Exorcise Room - Oh, What a Night

This epi obviously brings to mind the first time that E and I finally had sex. How could it not?? Two, long, sexually frustrating yet entirely delicious and titillating years. And I could write about that, but I’m not the kind to kiss and tell (besides, that's what internet porn is for).

But imagine this: spending 2 long years working with someone - every day, 5 days a week, month after month after month. Wanting her like you’ve never wanted anyone. And just knowing, all the while, in every cell of your body, that she wants you just as badly. And finally getting that chance when one Saturday night, she tells you that her kids are gone for the weekend and invites you over to see a movie. And she lives an hour away, outside of the city....

Two. Long. Years.....


Yeah. Exactly....



When I sat down to write this for the S2 finale, I found myself, inexplicably, coming back to the 'Rough Justice' epi. And what seems a pure throwaway line by Nikki. Right after the first lifer’s group, Helen asks Nikki if she’s still in touch with Trisha – she’s going to need her support:

Nikki: "She still runs our club, so we keep in touch."
Helen: "Good."
Nikki: "Hard to believe I'm a businesswoman, innit?"
Helen: "Sometimes."
Nikki: "We're doing well, apparently (pause). I'm gonna show you a good time when I get out."
Helen: "I hope so."

And they look ready to kiss when Dom interrupts.

It’s Nikki’s “hard to believe I’m a businesswoman” line that strikes me. It's a fairly offhand remark, but it's a way of reminding Helen that she's someone else outside of Larkhall. She wants Helen to see her not as "inmate Nikki Wade," but as "businesswoman Nikki Wade."

Helen’s reaction just underscores it all, and the idea really resonates – the theme, beautifully manifest in Nikki’s character, of a dual identity. In prison, she can totally pass as the tough, street inmate. On the outside, she can totally pass as the respectable businesswoman. It’s very much a chameleon quality, one that I liken to having a "foot-in-two-worlds."

I’m sure my interest in this is down to narcissism, as I’m also very much of a chameleon. And I walked in two worlds for years, passing equally well in both.


I’ve said that my 20s were pretty wild. That’s a little understated, but I’m content to leave it at that. I was raised in a middle-class, educated household, at least until my teens. There were my few years upstate, a few years running the streets, a few years in college, a few years running the streets - working all the while. Back and forth, between two worlds.

Because I'm smart and hardworking (and good-looking, I don’t mind saying), I was always able to get decent jobs. I clean up nicely. I’m articulate and can talk to anybody about anything, if I have to. And I enjoy working, so I've had some good opportunities.

But having your feet in two worlds means living a strange, disconnected sort of life. And maintaining a crazy balancing act. There were days I’d be running the streets in ripped jeans and doc martens, doing stuff I had no business doing. I’d get called to a meeting, maybe on Wall St or at a radio station – quickly change into a suit, jewelry, some makeup, and jump in a cab.

And I lived like that for quite awhile. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Exhausting, for sure. But exciting? Absolutely. The problem is, after awhile, you’re not sure where you belong. You can mix on the street, but there's not a lot of...brain stimulation (plus, the whole "don't get busted or killed" thing is a real drag). You fit in at the office, where you have all the brain stimulation and work you need, but none of the excitement you crave. A foot in each world, you belong to neither.

Now I realize this isn’t Nikki’s predicament – her main obstacle is Larkhall itself. But remember, she was some 15 yrs older than me when she went inside. She’d had the time to establish a career and a straight life (so to speak). She only needs to get out of prison.

But when you walk in worlds so diametrically opposed, eventually those worlds collide. They have to. I'm sure it's a law of physics or something. Legit by day/shady by night is hard to maintain for long, and at some point, you have to make a choice.

And just because you choose one world doesn’t mean it welcomes you into its arms. Or that the other world just lets you go. You might stop walking in a world yet find it’s not so easy to just pull your foot out. But still, you have to make a choice. Or else a choice gets made for you.


To tie this back to my relationship with E: for me, it wasn’t about trying to get her to see me as 'a professional.' Yes, she was my boss, but I'd proven myself in the workplace long before our relationship began.

While she didn't know about my past for those first 2 years, she knew I could be...a little impulsive. Quick to react and open my mouth. Certainly more emotional and instinctive than she. And some of those qualities are precisely what made me so good at my job. In contrast, she was much more measured and practical and by-the-book. So always, always, that personality clash between us. And that seriously mad crazy lust.