Shit Happens, S2.2

We open right where we left off last week:  with Shell's harassment campaign against Marilyn Fenner. 

She calls Fenner's wife from her cell, "he gives Shell Dockley a seeing to, ya know. You can hear him groaning all down the wing."

 

Are we we supposed to feel bad for Marilyn?  I mean, she married Jim Bloody Fenner. Worse, she spawned not one, but two Fenner rugrats. Go, Shell!

Outside Larkhall. Here comes Helen, and....there she goes.  Right. Past. Nikki.

No, "Good Morning?" No, "Hiya, Nikki?" No, "Fancy a shag in the potting shed?"

Nope, none of the above!  After her emotional return to Larkhall, her rooftop rescue of Zan & son, and Nikki's swooning declaration of love, Helen seems determined to keep her at bay. 

It's a cold front, indeed, that's descended on Larkhall this morn.

In the Screw's Lounge, Bodybag holds flowers delivered for Yvonne - “the gangster’s moll,” as she calls her. (I seriously love the word “moll” btw. There's a word you never get to use often enough).

Sylvia drops Yvonne's flowers on the radiator. "I'll just leave them there for a few hours. Let them dry out."

Down the block, Dom goes to see Zandra. Who looks damn good, all things considered.

He asks how she's feeling, and he's glad she's safe.

Dominick: "You weren't really gonna jump, were ya?"
Zandra: "What's it to you? Shoulda let me do it - I'm not worth saving."
Dominick: "That's half your trouble. You think you're worth nothing."

He says Helen's letting her back on the wing because Zandra needs help and support, not punishment.

Zandra: "I never did anything wrong."
Dominick: "You nearly killed your baby!"
Zandra: "Well if you're gonna get technical about it...." 
Dominick:  "Didn't sleep a wink last night, thinkin' about you on the edge of that roof. Does that surprise you?"

Zandra (quietly): "Yeah. I suppose it does."
Dominick:  "Well, I already had to cope with Rachel Hicks dying on me. Don't want another, ok?"

In Shell's cell, she and Fenner are talking about Marilyn's anonymous caller. "It's GOT to be Nikki Wade," she says.
Fenner: "That's what I thought. But how could she get to a phone at that time of night?"

Shell suggests that Nikki got her hands on a mobile - Fenner's doubtful, but he'll give Nikki's cell a spin anyway.

He slides his sleazy ass out of Shell's cell and runs right into Karen. After 5 seconds, he's compelled to mention their one-night stand.

Fenner: "That was quite a night at that conference. Must’ve been, what? Four years ago?"
Karen: "So long ago I’d forgotten all about it."
I like you already, Ms Betts!

He's all, "how's the hubby and kid?" but Karen's not up for small talk. She just wants to get on with her job.

Commissary. Denny wants to buy a card for her mum's birthday but Sylvia says she doesn't have enough money.

Yvonne and the Julies tell her to give Denny the card anyway, but that would require Sylvia to, ya know, actually have a heart.  Yvonne makes a uniquely British joke involving Sylvia and a Mars bar (it doesn't translate well into 'Merican, but here's a pic of them laughing at Bodybag):

Screws lounge.  Karen and Dom are getting acquainted. She says she's worked in a men's prison but doesn't have much experience in a women’s nick.

Karen: "They say women are more difficult than men."
Dominick: "Well, they’re not easy."

Oh, Dominick - truer words have never been spoken. 

In come Sylvia and Fenner.  Sylvia's still bitching about Yvonne. "Bloody woman! Cheekin' me off in front of the riff raff! Who does she think she is?"

She's the gangster's moll, bitch!  With more money than you'll ever have, Sylv - "22 pairs of shoes and a shelf load of Chanel," remember?

Fenner tells her to show Karen around the wing. And to take Yvonne her flowers - they're starting to go off.

Yvonne’s cell. She's all chilly willy eating bonbons when Bodybag strolls in.

Sylvia: "A present for you."

Yvonne (brightly): "Oh, thanks miss! Can you get me a vase?"
Sylvia: "I'll arrange them, if you like. And come in each day and spray 'em for you."

She throws the flowers to the floor. Yvonne sees they're from her Charlie and they're half dead.  To Sylvia, "you did this deliberately."

And thus, the battle lines are drawn - Sylvia armed with her spite, Yvonne, with the evil eye.

Sylvia: spite!

Yvonne: glare!

Sylvia: SPITE!

 Yvonne: GLARE!
It’s a draw. Finally, Yvonne says, “I think you better go, miss." before I stomp your arse.

Nikki's cell. She's reading on her bed when Fenner bursts in.

Fenner: "Come on, hand it over."
Nikki: "Just what is your problem, Mr. Fenner?"
Fenner: "Listen, doll - we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Where is it?"
Nikki: "I suppose an explanation's out of the question, is it?"
Oh Nikki, of course it is!

Fenner tears the sheets off her cot, pulling off the mattress. Then he dumps everything out of her nightstand. Nikki watches, getting increasingly agitated. "I'm warning you, Fenner!"

And then he spots her books.

Nikki: "Don't even think about it."
Fenner: "So that's where it is."
Nikki:  "What??"

He starts groping at her books with his meaty fucking paws.

Fenner: "Amongst all this crap that you read. Thrown it out the window, have we?"
Nikki (angrily): "You're a total bastard!"

Fenner starts throwing her books on the floor as Dominick walks in. He puts his hand on her shoulder, "hey, come on, Nikki."

Nikki whirls around. "Don't you touch me! You're as bad as he is!" And....she slaps him.

Sigh...

Bye, Nikki - see you down the block.

While Nikki's hauled to seg, Fenner frantically searches her cell for the phone.

Out in the yard.  Yvonne asks Denny about her mum and Den tells the whole sad tale: her mum's a brokedown drunk who left her as a kid, and their last reunion was in Larkhall when Jessie was banged up for a minute.

 Yvonne is sympathetic, and muses about her own daughter.

Denny: "How old is she?"
Yvonne: "Lauren? She's 21."
Denny (smiles): "Same age as me."

Down the block, Nikki's thrown into seg. Fenner sends Dom to tell Helen what happened.

As soon as Dominick leaves, Fenner tries to cajole Nikki: "I could still let you off the hook. Just tell me where it is!"

Nikki: "it's in your dreams, Fenner, that's where it is!"

Outside, Denny offers Josh the maintenance man 50 quid to bring in a package (for Yvonne via Denny).  He assumes its drugs but Den says it's not.

Denny:  "You can open it and check. It's just underwear - fancy bras, knickers."

They haggle a bit over price - Josh wants twice as much. Denny balks, but Josh the Economist explains, "that's market forces."

If only Denny had cited Smith's theory on the invisible hand of the free market, she could've haggled a much better price.

In Helen's office, Dominick tells her what happened with Nikki..

Helen: "A tip off? From whom?"

Dominick: "Well, it was Jim who knew, but he wouldn't say."
Helen (disbelief): "Nikki Wade, taking drugs?"
Dominick: "I thought it was a bit out of character. But then she got all defensive and she hit me."
Helen: "But you didn't find anything?"

Of course they didn't.  Helen thanks Dom - she'll "look into this straightaway."

Mealtime. The two Julies give Denny a card they made for her to give Jessie. Which is actually really sweet.

As they're gushing over the card, Shell comes over.

Shell: "Ya gonna come sit with me, Den?"
Denny: "Uhh... yeah. Yeah, ok."
Shell: "Don't want ya going astray now, do we?"

Ha!!  Btw, Shell looks fantastically trashy today (well, trash-ier).  Like an evil, demented Jessica Rabbit.

Outside Helen's office, she runs into Fenner.

Helen: "I gather you had a problem with Nikki Wade?"
Fenner: "I think that's putting it mildy."
Helen: "You searched her cell without another officer present."

Fenner: "She's up to something. I had to move quick."
Helen (skeptical): "Really."
Fenner: "Listen, just trust me, will ya?"

He starts to walk away but Helen's not finished.

Helen: "I don't think I like this unorthodox approach of yours, Jim."
Fenner: "Well. I know you have a special interest in Nikki Wade."
Helen: Is it that obvious?
Fenner (smirks): "I'll call you everytime I have dealings with her in future, shall I?"

(grrr...go fuck yourself in future, Fenner)

Helen: "Did you find anything?"

Alas, he didn't.  But she slapped Dominick so she must have something to hide.

Helen: "Okay. I just want to make the most informed decision I can."
Fenner: "I've seen prisoners shipped out for less."
Helen (angrily): "Let me be the judge of what happens, alright?!"

Well, I'd like to trust you on this Helen, really I would. But I'm afraid you'll go and do something silly....

Laundry Room. Denny tells Josh to meet a young woman outside the gates on Monday; she'll give him a package and some money.

Down the Block, aka the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.  Nikki paces in her cell.  Helen comes in and she is peeved.

“Ok, Nikki, this is it. I have given you every chance to make things better for yourself in here.”

Nikki: "They're lucky they're still alive."
Helen: "Oh, that's really intelligent talk."
Nikki: "Do you honestly think I've got drugs in my cell?"
Helen (yells): "If an officer suspects..."
Nikki: "Don't give me that! Fenner's as bent as they come and you know it!"

Helen: "I will not have allegations of that kind made against my staff! You're already on the block for a week. You'll lose your Enhanced over this. Don't make things any worse for yourself!"

Nikki: "Well, the bastard was chucking my books around!"
Helen: "You only have those books because of me! Any more of this crap and I will take them away!"
Nikki: "What?"
(Me: What??)
Helen: "You heard!"

Nikki: "You're only behaving like this because you can't handle it! So why don't you give in, miss, and stick your tongue down my throat?"

Helen storms towards the door, but stops and turns around. "You just don't get it, do you, Nikki?"

SLAM! 

Oh, I think she totally gets it, Helen.  But what the fucking fuck? You’ll “take away her books" if she doesn’t behave?? That's just wrong on so many levels.

(besides Nikki DID offer to let you stick your tongue down her throat...I mean, call me old-fashioned, but that should count for something).

Fenner Manor. The phone rings and Marilyn reluctantly picks it up.

Marilyn: "Hello?"
Shell: "Jim not back yet?"
Marilyn: "Now look here...."
Shell: "Must be puttin' in a bit of overtime. Question is, who's he puttin' it into?"

Marilyn wants proof of Jim's scumbaggery. No problem!  Shell will gladly oblige.

Yvonne's cell. Denny comes in.

Yvonne: "You all set for your mum?"
Denny: "Yeah, I can't wait!"

Yvonne: "Ya got any makeup?"
Denny (embarrassed): "No. Shut up."
Yvonne: "Come on. You got a lovely face. Should smarten yourself up for her."
Denny: "She wouldn't even notice if I had a head transplant."

Aw, poor Denny. And it's about to get worse. Yvonne insists on giving her a makeover.

Outside Larkhall. Josh meets Lauren Atkins, moll-in-training.

Clearly, there’s a genetic predisposition for leather in the Atkins bloodline.  Just like the old saying, "the family that wears leather, stays together!"

Lauren the baby-moll, gives Josh his money and the package.

Back in the officer's lounge, there's another awkward scene between Fenner and Betts. He wants to go for drinks; Karen, not so much.

Blah blah - this has gone from annoying subtext to annoying blatant text.

Outside the prison, Lauren finds Jessie. Lauren explains she's "a friend" of Denny's, but Jessie looks scared out of her wits.

Lauren pulls out an envelope. "This is for you. Happy birthday."

But Jessie just stares, so Lauren stuffs it in her purse and smiles. "You take care now."  When she leaves, Jessie opens the envelope and finds a wad of cash.

Back on the wing, Jim tells Shell that they got a bunch more calls at Fenner Manor and it's driving his wife crazy. Shell wants a quick shag but Fenner wants to wait til things are sorted.

Shell: "That could take forever. You gonna deprive me all that time?"
"I'm desperate for it, Jim. I've been thinkin' about ya all weekend."  

Shell couldn't possibly sound more bored if she tried.  Fenner says he'll come to her cell at lockup.

Visitors Room. Lauren the-baby-moll tells Yvonne that her Charlie's still in Spain, but he sends his love.

Yvonne (glances at Sylvia): "That old cow is getting right on my tits."
Lauren: "So that's Bodybag.  She looks a right bitch. I wonder what Dad would do if he knew about the flowers."
Yvonne: "Oh, no. I'm gonna have some fun with her first."

Yay, fun with the Atkins gang! I love these wholesome family visits.

Speaking of wholesome families....Denny gives Jessie a hug and wishes her 'happy birthday.'

Jessie's worried about the money she got from Lauren, but Denny says it's a birthday present.  She and Yvonne exchange smiles but Jessie asks if she's in trouble.

Denny: "No, no! She's been really kind, that's all. She wants to help me. And she wants us to have a nice birthday together. And we're having it, innit we?"

Jessie doesn't look so sure.

Back on the wing. Zandra's standing by the gate as Dominick comes by.

Dominick: "No visitors?"
Zandra: "For a change."
Dominick: "Look, if you ever wanna talk about things, then I'm always here. And if you don't, well, that's fine too."

Dom is seriously just a sweetie.

As he walks away, Zan calls out. "Mr. McAllister! I just wanted to say, thanks for what you did for me on the roof."

I love these shots with the bars between them.  Reminds me of the Nikki/Helen scene last epi, when Nikki - draped across the bars - says she's totally in love with Helen.  Rawrr, that was hot...

Visitor's Room. Jessie says she can't keep the money since she's been such a crappy mother. 

Denny: "Look, that's all over now, mum. We're a family again now, and that's how it'll be when I get out. We'll look after each other."
Jessie (near tears): "Oh, I don't deserve you!"

She promises to stay off the booze, and she and Denny clasp hands across the table.

Until abruptly interrupted by Bodybag: "Alright! That's enough kissing and cuddling! Time's up!"

Down the Block/Boulevard of Broken Dreams.  Nikki's been leaning on the bell, and Karen Betts comes in.

Karen: "Well?"
Nikki: "Is that an interjection? Or an inquiry after my health?"
Karen: "Oh, don't get smart with me, Nikki."
Nikki: "Who are you, anyway? It's Helen Stewart I wanna see."

Karen: "Is it now? Well, I better warn you - I'm not the kind of officer who runs errands for prisoners."
Nikki: "Well, as long as you piss off when I ask you to, frankly, I couldn't give a toss."

Here comes Helen. "Everything alright?"

Karen: "The prisoner's been demanding to see you. In language of an insulting nature. I'm putting her on report."

Well, she's already down the block, Karen - putting her on report is rather redundant, no? Like kicking her in the shin when her leg's already broken.

Helen: "So, no improvement in your behavior. (no response). Is that a ‘no?’"
Nikki: "It’s a “piss off,” like I just gave that other tart!"
Helen: "Why are you being like this? Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?"
Nikki: "And what about what you’re doing to me?"

(you tell her, Nikki!!)

Helen: "Don’t make this any harder for me!"
Nikki: "Yeah, it must be hard – getting angry with someone you’ve snogged."
Helen: "Oh please, Nikki. Be serrrious."
Nikki: "I want to make love to you all night long. Is that serious enough?"

Well, it is for me! And maybe it is for Helen too, since she looks like Nikki just bit her. Or, ya know, clamped her hand on her tit or something:

Nikki: “I know I knock Fenner. At least when he fancies a con, he’s got the courage to give her one!”

And....bye Helen!  She storms out of the cell.  Again. 

Laundry Room.  Josh is giving Denny the bras and knickers for Yvonne.  I want to care about this storyline, I really really do (lingerie smuggled into a woman's prison, are you kidding?) but it just never goes anywhere.   Besides....Helen!  Nikki!  High drama!

Back on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.  A couple of screws step into Nikki's cell. 

Nikki:  "What's going on?"

Karen:  "Get up, Nikki.  We're moving you out."

This scene is so seriously disturbing. The way the screws loom over Nikki, who looks so small on the floor, their shadows stretched across the confines of the cramped little cell...  shiver....

Yvonne's cell.  She and Denny bond over....smuggled knickers and Den's mum. 

Outside.  With Larkhall luggage in hand, Nikki is escorted to the meat wagon.  And to a waiting and stone-faced Helen Stewart.

Nikki:  "At least tell me where I'm going." 

But Helen doesn't tell her.  In fact, she says absolutely nothing.

Ok, you were chilly this morning, Helen, but now you’re a fucking ice queen. Gah! Can I just say, “NO FAIR!”

Back in Shell's cell, she calls Marilyn then slips the phone between the sheets.  When Fenner comes in, she starts playing it up.

Shell (in a really loud voice): "am I a filthy slut, Mr Fenner?"

They start to go at it really loudly. And it turns out you *can* hear Fenner groaning all down the wing!  Through the phone lines too, where Marilyn gets an earful.

Cut to Helen in her office.  She closes a file, sips some tea, and grabs another file...which, as it happens, belongs to one Ms Nicola Wade. 



Helen sighs, and wistfully caresses Nikki’s mug shot.

Oh Miss Stewart, you’re a hard, hard woman. 

(btw, I've always thought Nikki looked a little crazy in that picture - I think it's the hair.  I'm not judging at all, I'm just sayin.  I mean, I've got 2 mug shots myself and probably don't look the pic of sanity in either).

Back on the wing, Dominick tells Jim that his wife's there to see him (wow, that was quick!).  Fenner goes out to the parking lot where Marilyn slaps him, throws his clothes at him and yells at him. In that order. 

Marilyn:  "I've just heard you at it, Jim! She planted a phone in the cell! So you think of her when it matters, do you? I knew something was going on!"

She gets back into the car.  "You're shirts aren't ironed!" and drives away.

Haa!!

Back on G-Wing, Fenner runs into Helen.

Helen: "I suppose you should be the first to know.  Shipped out Nikki Wade this morning."

Fenner (stunned):  "This morning?"
Helen: "Before lunch.  Happy now?"

I don't think "happy" adequately describes the look on Fenner's face.  More like "shell shocked."  Plus, his shirts aren't ironed.

Cut to Nikki in the back of the meat wagon.  "Hello? Hello?? I need the loo!  Can you hear me?"

She bangs on the door but the screws just laugh.

Nikki: "they move cattle in better conditions than this! Where are you taking me?!"

Shell's cell.  Now it's Fenner's turn to play her.

Fenner:  "You're not going to believe this...that bloody Nikki Wade only stood outside while we were having our way!"

Shell:  "No! How do ya know?"
Fenner: "Because she phoned it into my wife!  I'm in big trouble, Shell."

Fenner really pours it on, wondering how Nikki managed such a feat.  Maybe Wade planted the phone in Shell's cell?  Shell insists there's no way.

He starts searching Shell's bed, going through her nightstand, and feigning exasperation.  "Oh, she's a clever one," he says.

Shell calls Nikki a sodding bitch and says she'd like to "cut her till she bleeds."

Fenner:  "What, like this you mean?"

And he suddenly backhands Shell right across her mouth.  And sloowwly runs his hands over her body, searching and squeezing every inch of  her.

Shell:  "What ya doing?"
Fenner:  "Nikki Wade was shipped out this morning. It couldn't have been her."
Shell:  Well it wasn't me, I swear!...."

...oops!  Fenner finds the phone she hid in her bra (really? in your bra, Shell??)

...and proceeds to kick the shit out of her, literally.  He gets in a few punches, too and leaves her crying on the floor. Wiping blood from his knuckles, Fenner walks out of her cell and straight into Karen.

Karen: "What's happened to you?"
Fenner:  "I think you better go in.  I told you she was trouble."

Betts finds Shell bloodied and bawling in her cell.  When she asks what happened, Shell says she fell.

But Karen demands the truth.

In the Servery.  Jim takes the cell phone and buries it deep in a garbage bin.

Helen's office.

Helen:  "Shell, you better not be making this up."

Shell (crying):  "It's true. Miss. He thought..."
Helen:  "He thought what?"
Shell:  "He thought I was ringing his wife.  Someone's told her I was having an affair with him."
Helen:  "And were you?"
Shell:  "Yes Miss.  He's been forcing me to."
Helen: "How long's this been going on?"

Shell says it's been going on for years.  And that he threatened to kill her if she told anyone.  And he did the same to Rachel Hicks.

Shell:  "At first he thought it was Nikki Wade ringing her.  That's why he gave her cell a spin.  He wound her up so she'd do something stupid, get herself shipped out."

Helen: "What?!  Nikki?  What?!"
Shell says that when Fenner realized it wasn't Nikki, he turned on her.

Helen tells Karen to bring Shell to Medical.  They're barely out of her office before she grabs the phone.

“Put me through to Allocations. Bring my girl back NOW!” (ok, maybe not that last line).

Simple Simon's office.  He's sitting with Helen when Fenner comes in.

Simon:  I suppose you know what this is about?
Fenner:  "Shell Dockley, by any chance?"

Simon says these are "serious allegations."  But Jim has his own tale: he caught Shell with a mobile in her cell.  When he tried to take it, she went beserk and started banging her head on the floor.

Helen:  That was 2 hours ago.  Why didn't you report it?"

Fenner (drops file on Simon's desk). "That's exactly what I have done.  It's all there, chapter and verse."

Helen asks if Marilyn's been getting anonymous calls (Jim says "nope!"); does he know where the phone is? (nope!)  Is he having an affair with Shell (nope!)

Fenner:  "Do you think I'd risk my career and my marriage for that?  She is deranged."

Helen says there'll be a police inquiry, which Jim looks forward to.  They'll want to talk to his wife; that's fine with Jim!

Fenner:  "Right.  Unless there's anything else?"
Simple Simon: "No, I think that'll be all for now, Jim."
Helen:  "Excuse me, sir, but these are extremely serious allegations! Until they're proved or otherwise, Mr. Fenner's position here is untenable!"

She wants Fenner suspended until after the inquiry.

Simon: "I think that's a little extreme, don't you?" 
Helen: "I'd say it was standard procedure, myself."

Simon's all, let's not be hasty. "Unfounded allegations based on dubious provenance?"

Helen (explodes):  "Look, either he goes or I go!"

"If you don't care what goes on in this prison, I'll take it up with Area Management!"

Jim and Simon exchange glances.  That's it settled then - bye, Jim!

Outside Larkhall.  The meat wagon pulls up and a very confused Nikki is being escorted back inside  "What's going on?  I thought I was being shipped out!"

Back in Simple Simon's office.

Simon's not happy about Fenner's suspension, but says he can stay out while they have "some sort of inquiry."  He doesn't see him being out very long.

Helen:  "So it'll be the usual whitewash job."
Simon: "Jim Fenner's one of our best officers."
Helen:  "Hold on a minute, Simon. That man has just beaten up one of our inmates!"

Simple Simon:  "that's her story!"
Helen (yells):  And it's one that I believe! I also believe he was having an affair with her, I've suspected it for a long time."

She mentions Rachel Hicks but Simon says it's all conjecture.

Helen (raises her voice):  "We've been here before!  Which is why we need a full investigation! Why else are you suspending him if not for that?" 

Well, Simon has to at least *pretend* to investigate Jim and Helen calls him on it.

Simon: "Can I remind you that I am in charge at Larkhall, whether you like it or not?"
Helen (explodes): "Well, I DON’T like it! I don’t like it one bit!"

Ok, Helen, I’m loving you again! Yes, I’m that easy (and don’t any of you judge me).

On the wing.  Fenner's leaving Larkhall, per his suspension, but he gets an earful from the women who start kicking up as he leaves.

Nikki’s cell (finally!). Helen walks in.


Helen: "Nikki, I want to apologize. You told me you were provoked by Fenner. I have reason to believe you now."
Nikki: "Oh, well bloody marvelous. I’m shipped around the country in a cattle truck while you work out the obvious."
Helen: "I said I’m sorry."
Nikki: "So what’s brought this on then?"

Helen: "Fenner’s just been suspended. Over a suspected relationship with an inmate."
Nikki (drily): "Not Shell Dockley, by any chance?"
Helen: "Listen Nikki, about what happened today. I let my emotions cloud my professional judgement. I thought I could fight them, I was stupid."

Nikki: "What are you saying?"
Helen: "I won’t be looking after your case anymore."
Nikki: "What?"

Helen: "I’ve resigned."
Nikki: "Helen, you can’t do this to me, this isn’t fair."
Helen: "Listen, I’ve just suspended Jim Fenner when I’m guilty of the same offense. In thought, if not in deed."
Nikki: "So, what now?"
Helen: "Well, I’m not your jailer anymore..."

Helen: "Which means I can do this."



But Nikki breaks off the kiss.

Helen: "What?"
Nikki: "Say you’ll visit me? Please say you’ll visit me."
Helen: "Nikki, it’s too difficult."
Nikki: "Helen, you can’t leave me like this. This is shit."

And Helen breaks hearts on both sides of the pond when she replies, "shit happens."

She gets up, walks out, and leaves Nikki crying in her cell.

WAAHH! Go on, take another little piece of her heart now, Helen!

Nikki, don't cry - I’m baking you a cake with a file in it!