The first time I saw The Leaving, it was in the midst of a whirlwind BG gorge fest – I watched the entire show (all 8 series) in about 6 weeks. So while the epi upset me the first time I saw it, I didn’t really have a chance to process it. Now that I’ve seen it again, I’m having a hard time getting it out of my mind.
In the recap, I say that Zandra died in the best possible way - laughing and surrounded by friends/family. But just as important, she died when she wasn’t strung out, or scheming for drugs, or missing her son, or pining for her boyfriend. She was the happiest and strongest she’d ever been, brain tumor notwithstanding. She was certainly at her peak. She faced her fear of an angry God and eventually made her peace. She found a bit of love with Dominick and kissed him, making "at least one of her dreams come true." So in a strange way, she really died in a state of grace. Not in the religious sense, of course, but in the sense of her world - the world of drugs, the streets, prison. She was as pure as she had ever been, maybe more than she would ever be - that seems like a state of grace to me.
When I was about 27 years old, I was on a plane heading back to NY. I’d been back in the outside world for a few years by then. I did another year upstate when I was 20 and I was still kind of wild, but by the time I was on that plane, life was pretty good. I loved my job, loved my girlfriend, and was settling into my life.
We were still about an hour from JFK when the plane hit a storm. And some really bad turbulence. I could see people getting nervous and as the wing of the plane dipped down, I looked out the window. I saw nothing but ocean, which was incredibly and strangely calming. I was struck with the sense that if the plane crashed right then, it would be alright with me. More than alright, in fact. That dying on that plane might actually be for the best. I realized that I might be at MY peak. I didn’t trust myself to stay out of trouble and I certainly didn't trust life to stay good. Not only did it seem like a good time to die, it seemed like it'd be a blessing. And that moment felt like a little bit of grace to me...
1 comment:
As I read this I keep thinking of Alanis's "Is't it ironic?". I would like to state, that I for one am glad (others here are too TRUST ME!) That you did indeed manage to land safely at JFK eventually. As for your wildness, I would say there is still that streak, you haven't lost it, it has manifested itself in many different ways,some part of you will always remain wild and dare I say with the admiration of the "weak & feeble" dangerous too lol. But that is only my humble opinion of course. As I sit and type this before leaving for more office drama, it is indeed a "blessing" to read all the effort and hard work that you put in here, sharing (quite bravely), snippets from your VERY interesting past and interwining them with BG, it is just as good, if not better than the AE version because it has more of your soul in it. There is alot of milage in you yet, no ,more talking of peaks being reached, this blog you have created shows us, that you are only just beginning. Take care and of course as I always say drink gallons of coffee and keep blogging dear :-) Ok so dear is a new one...
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