Babes Behind Bars, S2.8

Ok, still no Helen and Nikki so snark factor is set to high.  Also, I rant a little.

Dominick’s back from vacation. He goes to see Zandra who, predictably, has a headache.

Zan says she’s been to hospital where they ran some tests, but the doctors didn’t tell her anything. Dominick’s happy she went though, and tells her, “yeah, they’ll soon have you sorted out."

Oh Dominick, ever the optimistic naïf. They better sort Zan out soon.

Karen’s Office. She’s talking to Shell, who says she’s gotta get her kids away from her mum.

Karen: “So you are worried about them, then?"

What the fuck? Are you even paying attention, Karen?? I know it was a whole 2 epis ago, but yes, she's worried about her kids! Remember? Shell, abused by mum and dad, mum's got her kids now...any of this ring a bell? Please try to keep up, Karen.

Shell wants her kids taken from her mum and put in foster care. Karen thinks she should talk to her mum and can arrange for her to come in.

Shell: "She won’t bring my kids though! And it’s them I got to save from her!"
Karen: "Talk to her about them. Tell her why you’re worried."

Oh, just smack her already, Shell. Yes, I’m sure her mum will be completely receptive to her worries, Karen. Bah! I demand some hot Helen and Nikki action! NOW!!

Shell berates herself for not getting her kids away from her mum sooner. “I could kill her for it now!”

Karen: "Can we not talk about killing people?"
Shell: "Yeah. Sorry, miss."

HA! Ok, that's better...

Shell makes Karen promise to not tell the other inmates what she’s told her. Karen says to “trust her.”

Yvonne’s cell.  She's reading about Charlie’s arrest in the paper, still sad from her botched escape attempt (shouldn’t she be down the block, btw)?  The phone sex ads in the back of the paper catch her eye.

The Garden. Nikki’s outside working when Barbara comes along. “Tomato plants,” Nikki says, by way of explaining a little pot patch she's apparently been harvesting.

Barbara: “Very unusual variety, isn’t it?”
(heh).
Nikki: “I think they’ve got a touch of THC blight, actually.”

Barbara (reaches in and grabs a budster): “They’ve certainly got a touch of something.”
Nikki ('fesses up): “I had a letter from Helen this morning. She told me I’d better be keeping my nose clean, so I reckon this little lot’s gonna have to be mulched.”

How did that letter get past the screws, I wonder? Did Helen write in code? Something like, “Dear Nikki – Mary Jane cannot stay in Larkhall. Must transfer out ASAP.”

And just as an aside, while I’m thrilled Nikki would do something as subversive as grow weed in there, why haven’t we ever seen anyone smoking? We know all about heroin and jellies and vallies. You’d think someone would’ve sparked a spliff by now.

Ok, fine. I'll do it. I pause the tv and, yep, I spark one up. Hey, someone has to.

Babs expounds on the medicinal wonders of marijuana. Turns out she used to grow it for her husband, Peter. She wants to give some to Zandra for the pain.

Oh Barbara – you’ve come a long way towards redeeming yourself since your extreme lesbophobia a few epis back. At this rate, you’ll be chasing women yourself (after smoking Nikki’s stash, of course).

Yvonne gets Denny to arrange another exchange between Lauren the moll and Josh.

Karen's office.  Dom talk about Zandra. She tells him about Zan’s brain tumor – blah blah blah. This show is at its worst when it gets all soap opera-y.

Babs goes to the servery for tea-bags. Then, all DL and shit, she hands Crystal a bag for Zandra: “It’s some cannabis.”

I’m sorry, Barbara, have you met Sister Christian?? She of the bible-thumping tribe? She of the drug letter-writing campaign? She of the "drugs is evil" line?

When Barbara leaves, Crystal tells Julie J, “Ya know about how the devil comes in many disguises? That ain’t no lie.”

Ah, well, stupid comes in many disguises too, Crystal.

She promptly dumps the pot in the trash.

Karen walks into Shell’s cell to find her staring at pics of her kids. She’s arranged for her mum to come in tomorrow, but Shell's not exactly ready for this.

Yvonne, Denny, and the Julies are sitting on the wing.

Julie S: “Telephone sex lines?"
Yvonne: "Just think of it – hot babes behind bars, desperate for it. We could forget about your bored housewives and yer naughty schoolgirls. We got the best pull, inn’t we?”

So they get 10 P a minute for every call they take, paid right into their spends.

Obviously ‘p’ stands for ‘pence,’ but what that is, I have no fucking clue. I assume it’s more than a penny (which is what I think of when I hear ‘pence.’ And yes, I’m that woefully parochial).

Yvonne explains that they'll all have their own mobile phones. The funniest part of this scene is Denny's goofy grin and inexplicable enthusiasm.

Denny: "You mean me as well, Yvonne?"
Yvonne: "Well, no. I didn't think you'd be capable interested."

But Denny wants down with the deal: "Oh please, Yvonne? Go on."
Yvonne: "Alright then, we'll give it a shot. But ya gotta ask the two Julies for some tips."

And, indeed, the Julies have some sound advice (I checked with the "Phone Sex for Dummies" manual and sure enough, basic tips include sucking your finger, moaning and groaning, and heavy breathing).

The Dorm. Dominick tells Zandra she has to have more tests done and he'll take her to hospital tomorrow. The doctors think something is wrong, but he doesn't tell her what.

Zan's just relieved that her fears have been confirmed - whatever's wrong with her, it's not just in her head (well, actually, it is, but ya know...).

Cut to Denny in the yard. And Yvonne pacing in her cell waiting. What follows is an elaborate plan to smuggle the cell phones in. Which includes a staged fight to distract the guards and Yvonne sending a swinger down to Denny.


Which makes absolutely no sense - all Denny had to do was walk inside with the package! The hard part was getting it into the yard – they’re not gonna search Denny when she goes back onto the wing. Still, I suppose it’s better than having the package just come flying over the wall, as packages at Larkhall are wont to do.

Cut to Shell's cell - she's so stressed about seeing her Mum she's throwing up. When Karen comes for her, Shell wants to call off the visit but Karen convinces her to go.

And brings her to a room where her mum is waiting. Shell’s mother looks like a $2 crack ho on 10th Ave. Seriously. Strung out, wrung out, and hung the fuck out:

Her mum is concerned about how Shell looks - she's wearing sweats and no makeup. She asks what Karen did to her daughter, but Shell explains, "I been on the hospital block, Mum. I went a bit funny."

Cut to the best scene in this whole epi - Yvonne handing out the mobiles to the girls. She tells them they have to look out for their own phone.

Denny: "What, crutch it?"

Hee! I'm thinking Denny's not really cut out for this.

Yvonne explains they can hide it in their bras and wear the ear piece like they're listening to music.

Denny thinks they should bring Shell into this: "She can act it brilliant, can't she? All that sexy talk stuff."

Yvonne ain't having any of that, though.

She warns Denny: "I don't want you saying one tiny word to her, d'ya hear me?"

The Julies have picked out names for themselves:

Julie J: "Whiplash and Saucy. I'm Whiplash Wanda."
Julie S: "And I'm Saucy Sonya. We thought we could do a one-on-one or a nympho sisters number."
Yvonne: "That's great!"
Denny: "I chose my name, too. I'm gonna be Gail!"

Hee!

And why?? Because she once "knew a girl called Gail."

This is just too funny. With some help from the pros, Denny's rechristened "Vickie the Virgin Bride."

Julie J: "What are you gonna call yourself, Yvonne."
Yvonne: "Oh, it's gotta be something with discipline for me, girls."

BWAHAHAA! Of course it does, Yvonne! Who does dom like you do dom, rockin’ that tight black leather??

Yvonne: "Call me Sylvia Hollamby, the stern screw that likes strictness and spanking! Disobedience will be severely dealt with!"

Oh, oh, my sides hurt from laughing! Hands down, the best scene of the whole epi.

In the visiting room, Shell's mum is still bitching about the screws but Shell is barely listening. And I'm still laughing.

Back on the wing,Yvonne recruits Babs to help her set up a website. Thus, "Babes Behind Bars" is born. (Babs says they need 25 keywords to describe the website, and if I cared more about this epi and had more time, I'd make up my own list.)

Dominick takes Zandra off for her scan.

Visiting room. Shell's mum is still babbling and Shell's still not listening. Her mum starts to leave, and pulls 2 out cigarettes for Shell. Why wouldn't she just slide the whole pack to Shell? Wait - so on top of being a sex abusing, crack smoking, $2 whore, she's cheap?? Oh, that's just too much for me.

In walks Karen. Shell's mum accuses her of turning Shell into "a zombie" full of drugs.

Shell's mum: "No wonder she asked to see me. Cos she needs me to tell you what a bunch of...."
Shell (jumps up yelling): "I don't need you for shit, Mum!"

And that finally wakes Shell up - old anger and resentments come pouring out. And then: "I've told 'em, Mum! I've told her! I said the words, what you and Dad done to me."

She says she's calling social services - she doesn't want her mum raising the girls.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot: Crystal’s supposed to be released in a few days, and Josh wants her to come stay with him, but she’s worried about Zandra, which worries Josh.

Back in Shell's cell, Karen assures her she'll contact social services.

Karen: You know you don't have to worry about them now. You've been really brave, Michelle. And I hope you feel a lot better about yourself because of it."

Shell: "Thanks a lot, Miss. You been real good to me."

When Karen leaves, Shell takes down the pics of her kids. She kisses each one and then tears up the pics. Her way of saying goodbye for good, which is both tender and sad.

Zandra comes back on the wing and is greeted by Crystal.

Crystal: "How did it go?
Zandra (all happy): "I'm high as a kite, thanks for asking!" "They gave me a fix of that stuff again. It's alright."


But Crystal meant how did the scan go. Zandra says she'll find out about it later.

And....it's later. Dominick sits with Zandra in Dr. NoNo's office. I'm not even gonna say what a total shitstain NoNo is (besides, I'm saving it for a later scene).

He tell Zandra that she has "a high-grade, brain stem glioma. That's a tumor."

Zandra: "A tumor?"
Dr NoNo: "A cancerous growth. Now unfortunately, it's located too close to a vital part of your brain to make surgery a viable option so...."
Zandra: "I have brain cancer?"
Dr. NoNo: "So what they're offering you is radiotherapy to reduce the size of the tumor, but there's no possibility that this will be cured."
Zandra (to Dom): "What? What is he saying?"

Arrggghh! He's saying "blahblahblah" as fast as he can. He doesn't even have the decency to let it sink in. Or explain it properly.

Fuck, I did say I wasn't gonna comment yet on his douchery, didn't I? Alright, the only thing they can do for Zan is give her steroids and painkillers. But then he says that "even here, managing the dose can be tricky."

Ok, I can't help it - that's bullshit. I'm not even a dr and I could figure out what meds to give her. Yeah, I'd have to look up the steroids part, but that's a common treatment. I'd think any 2nd year resident would know what the fuck to give her (and if my reaction to any of this seems odd, I refer you to the Exorcise Room for "Losing It").

When Zandra asks what will happen to her, Dr NoNo tells her she's got "months, rather than years" to live.

Back in the dorm, Zandra sits with Crystal and the Julies.

Crystal complains that "it's been terrible right from the start how she's been treated. Keep blaming it on the drugs."

Oh Crystal, I don't even have the energy to call you out on your hypocrisy - I need every ounce of strength for the vile Dr NoNo.

The nurse comes in with Zandra's pills, but she comes up short.

Zandra: "He's still at it, isn't he? He's still not giving me my proper dose!"

In Shell's cell, Denny watches as Shell gets all made up. She tells Denny that her girls will be adopted by a nice family.

Denny: "Yeah well, I'm glad you're getting all niced up again, anyway."

Yep, you and me both, Den.

Shell: "It's all down to that Miss Betts, what she done for me. Tell ya, she's alright. And anyone who thinks any different better watch their gob in front of me!"

Karen's Office. She's sitting with Dom and Dr. Mengele NoNo. Karen asks if there's any alternative therapies they can give Zandra.

Dr. NoNo: "Well, what'd you have in mind? Coffee enemas and such?"

Oh, forget enemas, Doc - what I have in mind is you getting buggered repeatedly with a 12 inch dildo and no fucking lube. By Sylvia. Until you're a broken, whimpering, quivering puddle of santorum on the floor.

Karen: "I don't know. Any dietary supplements we can give her to boost up her general health?
Dr. NoNo: "Not after all the years of abuse she's given it, no."

GAH! That's another fucking lie! Zandra's 20 years old! She's been getting high what, 5 years? That's not long enough to wreck anybody's system. And Karen, who never misses the opportunity to remind people she's a nurse, should know better.

Dominick (angry): "Those women are dead right about you! You really don't give a toss about 'em, do you?"

Dr NoNo gets up to leave, "I'm gonna try and overlook that," but Dominick grabs him. "Not this time!"

Go, Dom! Lay him the fuck OUT!

But Karen, the twatting twat, stops him. "Leave it!" So Dr NoNo lives to see another day. Grrrr.....

Karen: "I thought I asked you to just sit in on this."
Dominick: "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sick of listening to this shit! What are we talking about here? A dying kid! She's not even 20 years old! She's got to spend the last few months of her life locked up in prison with him as her doctor! We've already taken her baby off of her, for God's sake. It's bloody barbaric. What are we doing? Why don't we just let her out?"
Karen: "Oh, well why don't we open the gates and let them all out, in that case. Don't be stupid!"
Dominick: "She's dying!"
Karen: "She's still a convicted prisoner, Dominick. She's done wrong!"

I can't stand this. Karen sounds like Crystal right now. Yes, Zandra's a prisoner, but convicted on a drug charge, for fuck's sake. She's not a murderer. She didn't hurt anyone. And her sentence was only a year to begin with - surely she's halfway thru. So what are we talking, 6 months left on a petty drug rap?

I hate you now, Karen. Forever and ever. But Dominick? If I were straight, I'd marry you.

Karen says she wants to get Zandra released on temporary license and when she sees a doctor on the outside, they can arrange for her to stay on the outside.

Ok Karen, but that STILL doesn't mitigate your retardo speech on "opening the gates" and Zandra having "done wrong."

I'm gonna stop for a minute here and do some deep breathing. And go to my happy place. Guess I don't hafta post an exorcise room for this episode now, huh?

Ok. Moving right along...

Crystal's suffering guilt pangs for throwing out the weed, and she begs Barbara and Nikki for more.

Nikki: "You know what the joke is, Crystal? If she were being treated outside of here, they'd probably be giving her heroin now. Not what you would approve of, I'm sure."

Way to tell her, Nikki. I couldn't, as I'm still dizzy from the whole NoNo thing - I'm not back to full strength yet.

Nikki tells her there's nothing she can do, but her boyfriend, Josh, is the man to see. Which is news to Crystal.

Lunchtime. Shell sits down with Denny, and seeing the ear pieces, wants to know what everyone's listening to. She pulls it out of Denny's ear where she hears... absolutely nothing.

Shell: "You better tell me what's going on."

Karen tells Dom she's fixed it for Zandra to get a medical leave. He goes to give her the good news.

Meanwhile, as Yvonne walks past her table, Shell jumps up. "I know about Babes Behind Bars and I wanna be one."

Yvonne gives Denny a look that could melt steel. "For shit's sake, Denny!"
Denny: "I didn't tell her on purpose. She made me!"

Heh. And just like that, Shell's in.

Zandra's in bed, weeping from pain, when Dominick comes in. He tells her she can leave and go anywhere she wants. But the problem is, Zandra's got nowhere to go - all her friends are on G-Wing.

Crystal tells Josh he's gonna bring stuff in one more time to Larkhall, and gives him the name of a nurse she knows.

The Julies are pissed at Denny for letting Shell know about the phones. Julie J had to give her phone to Shell so the Julies are sharing one (which makes no sense - why wouldn't Yvonne just take Denny's phone away)?

Suddenly, Denny looks down at her chest. "Shit, it's wobbling!" They pop into a nearby cell.

Denny answers the phone. "Hello?"

Julie S (mouthing): "Be sexy. Sexy!"
Julie J (mouthing): "Vickie!"
Denny (gruff): "Yeah, this is Vickie. What you want? (pause) You what? Lick what off? You can get to... you're one seriously sick geezer, man!" And with that, she tears the ear piece off.

Ok, this is the 2nd funniest scene in the epi. The Julies are mortified that Denny would hang up, but luckily the john calls back.

Denny: "Hi, this is Vickie. (pause) You the same geezer I just spoke to? Yeah, well listen, mister. You're saying you want a bad mouth bitch? I ain't even started on you yet."

Thus begins Denny's (nearly) seamless transition into the hardcore world of phone sex.

Crystal sees Zan sitting by herself and sits down next to her.

Zandra: "Do you think I'm a really bad person? That I'm being punished for it?"

Crystal assures her she's not a bad person.

Zandra: "You think I'm going to hell, don't you?"

Crystal says she's not going to hell, Zandra cries that she's scared, and I curse Shed for this crappy storyline. In fact, this is the second of Shed's unpardonable sins (their original sin, of course, being Helen's painful and palpable absence from S2).

Later on, in the dorm, Crystal gives Zandra the painkillers that Josh smuggled in.

Cut to Crystal dumpster diving in the back of the kitchen.

In the Screws Lounge, a note is slipped under the door. Di reads it and tells Dom "Crystal Gordon keeps drugs in the servery." Neither of them believe it, but they go to investigate.

Sure enough, when they open the oven, there's all this weed laid on a tray.

In Karen's office, Crystal defends her actions, saying "I was doing it for Zandra, right? And I bet you'd done the same if it was your friend crying out in pain night after night."

Wow, now THAT'S what I call a jailhouse conversion! Fuck that Five Percenter shit!

Karen: "Crystal, there's a bottom line here. Doesn't matter how good your intentions were, you've committed an offense!"

Crystal: "Yeah, well it ain't nothin' like what you lot have done to Zandra. She's gonna die because of your shit doctor!"
Karen: "Well, let me tell you something, Crystal. I used to be a nurse myself, and I can assure you I am very well aware of the shortcomings of the prison health service. But that's one thing - bringing in drugs is another!"

Really, Karen? You used to be a nurse?? You don't say!

Crystal just smirks.

Ok, what the hell is going? It's like Karen and Crystal have switched bodies - Karen's been all kindsa self-righteous and annoying this epi, and Crystal's smuggling drugs and smirking! Are they pod people here or what??

Karen adds 30 days to her sentence, so Crystal's not getting out tomorrow after all.

Zandra comes into the dorm just as Crystal's packing. Di tells Zan that she's going down the block.

Crystal: "I was only trying to help Zandra."
Di: "Yeah, well you'll know now that smuggling cannabis in here is not the way."
Zandra: "You what?"

Zan breaks out laughing when she realizes Crystal did it so she could stay with her.

The next morning, Josh waits for Crystal outside the front of Larkhall. He's brought an engagement ring with him. He waits and waits. And then he waits some more.