The Leaving, S2.9

The very saddest Bad Girls epi ever. Make yourselves comfortable and hold onto your hats - you're in for a bumpy ride. And you might wanna pour a drink. Or, ya know, just keep the bottle handy.


Julie S is in the kitchen drying dishes and talking dirty: “Oh yeah. Now I’m taking it off. Mmmm...I’m unhooking my bra...”

Now that's some solid multitasking there. Seems Babes Behind Bars is thriving.

And Shell’s back to serving food.

Here comes Barbara, scribbling in her journal. She's keeping a weekly journal of all the food to show to Karen: "I mean, look at it - high cholesterol, nothing fresh, hardly any fiber...”

So Shell slaps some pureed shit on her plate. “Wouldn’t wanna give ya a heart attack, would we?”


Oh, Shell is way more dangerous with a ladle than a razor! I don’t know how many meals she’s ruined for inmates by now.

The Julies protest but Shell ain’t feeling it: “She’s a smug bitch! She’s only been here 2 minutes and she thinks she owns the place! She needs takin' down a peg or two.”

Babs invites Zandra to sit with her, but Zan snarks, “sure you don’t mind? I might be catching." She sits down but doesn’t have an appetite. Noticing Barbara’s plate, she asks if she’s on a diet.

Barbara: “Yes. Enforced by Michelle Dockley.”


Hee! Zandra gives Babs her food. She protests, but Zan just shrugs.

Zan: "I’m gonna die soon. (notices other inmates staring at her) What are you staring at?!”
Barbara: "They’re just embarrassed. They don’t know what to say."
Zandra: And you do, do you? Oh yeah – you’re that mercy killer, aren’t you? Wanna do me, too, do you?" (drops her head)
Barbara: "It’s okay."
Zandra: "It’s just that no one talks about it. They all pretend that nothing’s happening. Apart from Crystal. And now they’ve gone and taken her away from me."
Barbara: "Well I’m here. Anytime you want."

And so is Dominick, apparently. He comes strolling up. "Hiya," he says to Zandra.



I am loving DomZan!

Shell's finally getting bumped back to Enhanced. As she makes her way upstairs, she tells Barbara, “don’t worry, I’ll keep in touch."

DomZan are walking in the yard.

Zandra: “I suppose you think I’m a sad case, don’t ya?”
Dom: “Why?”
Zandra: “Choosing to stay in here. I coulda got out.”
Dom: “No. I’m glad you did that.”

But Zan’s overcome with a headache so Dominick helps her inside. Where Crystal’s been let off the block. She gives Zan a big hug. "Love you, Crystal," Zandra tells her.

Shell’s on the phone with a john, doing her 'Olga the Screw' act. In a thick Russian accent: “Oh yes, we have a lot of naughty girls here. I have to keep them all in check, punish them if they’ve been really bad."


Denny tries to recruit Zandra to be a Babe Behind Bars.

Zandra: “I’ll have to think of a name.”
Denny: “I know – you can be ‘Hairy Mary.’”

Oh Gail Denny – I thought we established that making up porn names was not your forte.

Zandra (laughing): “I can be ‘Nelly with the Smelly’...” But she can’t get the rest of the words out (and I'm a little grateful for that). Her vision & hearing go all wonky, like weird acid trails, and she runs off to the dorm.

Babs: “Are you alright?”
Zandra: “Yeah. I’m just bleedin’ dying, that’s all.”



Crystal talks to Josh, but he’s pissed she just left him waiting. He gives her the ring he bought her. And he dumps her.

That nite in the dorm, Zandra calls to Crystal. She's scared and wants to get in bed with her. She's afraid of dying and worries that God'll be mad – she’s never been to church or prayed, but Crystal assures her that God understands.

Zandra recites the one prayer she learned as a child: “now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”


Her prayer recitation is a little heartbreaking.

The next morning, DomZan channel Nikki/Helen: Zandra watches from her cell as Dom comes to work. She gives him a little wave, which he returns.

Shell finds her way to Barbara’s cell. And her journal. And Shell’s got such big balls tubes, she doesn’t walk out with it. No, she pulls out Barbara’s chair and reads it right there in her cell.

Babs is on the lunch line when she realizes she forgot her notebook. Ya know, to record all that dietary information for Karen (since Karen used to be a nurse and all. I'm sure she'll look into this nutritional travesty immediately).

She goes back to her cell...and finds Shell.


Barbara's outraged and says Shell has no right to read her journal.

Shell thinks she has every right: “After all, some of it’s about me, innit?” She reads aloud: “’Shell Dockley is definitely a psychopath.’ (pronounced “psychopaf.” Hee.) Now that’s not very nice, is it, Babs?”

Barbara demands she give it back, but in true psychopafic fashion, Shell only baits her.

Shell: “I think we’ve forgotten our manners, ‘aven’t we? Whaddya say?”
Barbara: “Please.”
Shell: “’Fraid I can’t. Not till I’ve finished it.”
Barbara: “I’ll report you!”
Shell: “Who to? Hollamby? That ‘idle, good-for-nothing bigot?’”


She laughs as she leaves the cell with the notebook.

The dorm. Dom comes by to see Zan. He heard she was upset and says, “I think you’re coping really well, all things considered. I just wish I was more use.”

Zandra: “You are. You help me get through. Just like you helped me get off the smack. Sometimes I...”
Dominick: “What?”
Zandra: “Sometimes I daydream about what things could’ve been like, if I didn’t have this. I’d have got clean, I’d have finished my sentence, and then, when I got out, maybe...(looks at Dominick, who looks down at the floor). "Don’t suppose it would’ve worked, would it?”
Dominick: “Don’t suppose. (he looks at her). It might have.”


Zan's on the verge of tears, so Dom takes her chin in his hand. After a moment, Zandra leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek. He responds with a brief, chaste kiss on the mouth.


And then stands up. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
Zandra: “Don’t be. At least one of my dreams came true.”


Aww - too, too sweet.

Out in the yard, Crystal tells Babs and the Julies that she’s holding a prayer service in the chapel for Zandra. They promise to be there.

Shell: “Ah, forget it. I ain’t sitting around talking to a load of fresh air. Anyway, if there was a god, he wouldn’t have given her a bleedin’ brain tumor, would he? (to Babs) Unless of course he’s a psychopaf, like me!”


Hehehe! Have I said I'm happy that Shell’s back to her old self??

The Julies want to give Zan a party. Babs thinks it's a good idea.

Shell: “Oh, agree with these 2, are ya? I reckon you thought they were a bit backward?”

The Julies wanna know what she’s talking about, but Shell blows it off.

Babs walks away with Shell hot on her heels, needling her about the diary. Barbara runs right into Nikki, but doesn’t wanna tell her what’s happening. She says it’s “just one of Michelle’s little jokes, I suppose.”

Nikki spots Dominick in the yard and asks how he's doing. She says Zan appreciates everything Dom’s done for her.

Dom: "I don't know about that. I think it might be better if she had another personal officer. Someone who was... I dunno.”
Nikki: “Less involved?”


Dom: “If ya can’t step back from it, ya hand over to someone else. It’s a good rule.”
Nikki: “What’s more important, though? That someone whose had nothing but shit all her life finds a little bit of love at the last minute? Or that you have the satisfaction of knowing you haven’t broken any rules?”

Nikki walks into her cell to find Barbara just sitting there.

Nikki: "Come on, spit it out. It’s Dockley, isn’t it?"
Barbara: "She’s got my notebook."

Nikki says she would offer to "go and kick her face in” but she’s got her appeal coming up. And Shell would only come after Babs anyway, so Nikki tells her “you have to take her on yourself.”

But Babs isn’t having it. “Oh yeah, I can just see that. Me, a 50 yr old woman fighting Michelle Dockley!”


Cut to the gym. Babs is in training – skipping rope, doing crunches, hitting the bag. Strains of “Gonna Fly Now/Rocky's Theme” play in the background.

Ok, not really. But that would be funny.

Zandra's party in the dorm. Nikki, Crystal, Zandra, Denny and Shell are there as the Julies pass out mini bottles of booze, courtesy of Yvonne (and where the hell is Yvonne, by the way? She’s definitely someone I’d want at my going away party).

Zandra (grinning): "This is so nice of you."
Shell: "They thought a party would be a good idea, what with you dying and all."

They look at Shell like she just bit the head off a kitten.


But Zan just shrugs: "Well, she’s right. I am dying. ‘Bout time someone mentioned it. Doesn’t stop me from enjoying myself though while I’m here, does it? Cheers guys!”

Still, what a mood killer, yo.

Dominick walks in as they all hide the bottles. They tell him they’re cheering Zandra up. As he walks out, he spots the booze but decides to ignore it.

Dominick: "Ya got one hour. Max."
Zandra: "Thanks. (Pause). Dominick."


The women start to giggle but it’s really just sweet, the way Zan looks at him and the way he gets all flustered. "Cheers, Mr. McAllister! G'nite, sir!" they call out. You’re a good man, Dom.

Shell asks Barbara, “what’s it like sharing a cell with Wade, then?”

Oh Shell – you really don’t have ANY social skills, do you? You can’t even shut up and get drunk??

Shell: "It’s just that I thought lesbians give you the creeps. (to Nikki) Babs reckons if you could only meet a nice young man, then all your problems would be solved.”
Nikki: "Think you’ll find your information’s a bit out of date, innit Barbara?”


Nikki insists she tell everyone where she got the information.

So Shell tells them she took the diary. She doesn’t think it’s right Babs can “stand around makin’ notes on all of us without us having a right to see ‘em!”


But when Crystal protests the diary stealing, Shell says “oh, so it’s alright for her to sit here being all nice to Zan (turns to Zandra), when what she really thinks is you deserve to have your baby taken offa ya!”

Barbara: “How dare you use Zandra to get back at me like that?!"

But she confesses it’s true – she did write nasty stuff about them. But it was before she got to know them all.

Barbara looks at Shell. “The only person I haven’t changed my mind about is you. You are a psychopath. And you are cruel and you are spiteful!”


Shell: “You better get out of ‘ere now before I cut yer smug little face off!”

But Zandra jumps up. “She ain’t going nowhere. This is my party and I can die if I want to ask who I want. It’s you who can piss off, Shell.”


So Shell leaves, all huffy.

Then Julie S's phone goes off.

Julie S: "Ju, it's vibrating."
Nikki: "I'm gonna get one of them, yeah?"

HA! Nikki doesn't do funny very often, but when she does, it's good. Total throwaway line.

Julie S (on the phone): "Hiya darling. Yeah, Saucy Sonya, you wanna play?"

She whispers to Julie J, "bleedin' pervert! You'll never guess what he wants me to do!"
Julie J: "What?"
Julie S: "Baa!"
Julie J: "Baa?"
Julie S: "Baa! Like a sheep!"


Zandra dares her to 'baa' and I couldn't possibly do this scene justice. It's hysterically funny.

Out on the wing, the laughter irks Sylvia (natch), and she asks Dom what's going on. He tells her to leave them be.

By now, Denny's 'mooing' into the phone, Julie J's clucking, and the women are in stitches. But Crystal's watching Zandra, who takes a final drag from her cigarette and:






And...I don't even have words for how sad this is. I was truly tore up the first time I saw it, and will hold a grudge against Shed forever and ever. And when Dom rushes in and sees her on the floor, yes, I cry a little. Again :(

Crystal and Denny pack up Zandra's stuff. Crystal finds a letter from Zan. And her glasses. WAH!!

The only consolation is that Zan died while surrounded by friends - laughing, drinking, having a grand ol' time. And no longer afraid of death. I really can't think of a better way to go.


Cut to Intakes. There's a new inmate, Shaz Wiley, and she seems awfully excited. "Hiya!" she happily greets Di.


Shaz: "Hey, miss - are pets allowed to visit?"
Di: "Oh no, I'm sorry. That's against the rules."

(really?? There's an actual rule that says pets can't visit??)

Shaz: "D'ya have karaoke in here?"
Di (laughs): "Yeah, every Friday night."
Shaz: "Cool! And 'ave ya got a pool table? I'm good at that."
Di: "Hey, this is not some kind of holiday camp, ya know."

Shaz just grins wildly. And gets the 2nd Best Entrance Ever Made by an Inmate - Yvonne's, of course, was Number 1.

In the chapel, Barbara's getting ready for the memorial service. When she gets to the organ though, there's a message scrawled across the keys:




Leave it to Shell to put the "fun" in "funeral." But it would've been more threatening had she actually spelled funeral correctly. I'm just saying...

Karen, Jim, and Sylvia are getting ready to attend the service when Dominick walks in with Little Robbie. The chaplain gives a brief eulogy, then Crystal reads Zandra's letter:

"The good thing about knowing you're gonna die is that you get to say stuff you wouldn't get away with if you were still alive. I can just picture you all sitting there - my mates and all the screws. Old Bodybag, and Mr. Fenner eyeing up all the women when he thinks the Gov's not looking. I want to say thanks to all my special mates for sticking by me. Denny, who ain't the brightest person in the world, but who always made me laugh.


The 2 Julies, for being like a mum to me.


Mr. McAllister, I'm sure he won't mind me calling him Dominick. Dominick, you stuck by me and got me off the smack.



But most of all, Crystal, my best friend.


She helped me not to be afraid of dying. Love you, Crystal. I done a lot of bad things in my life that I ain't proud of. The best thing I ever did was have my baby, Robbie, but I even messed that up in the end. I'd like to hold him one last time, tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him, but I can't. I hope one day one of my mates can tell him instead. PS - I want you to sing ‘Kumbayah’ when you finish this. Not because I like it, but I remember how it used to drive old Bodybag mad when you sang it all the time."


And "Kumbayah" echoes through the halls of the prison one last time.


Di brings Shaz to the dorm where she rushes inside. "Cool! We share it!"


Shaz: "So what are they like? The ones I'm sharing with?"
Di: "Alright, yeah. Crystal's got religion and Denny's...(smile) well, Denny's got charm."

I repeat (from the "Looking for Love" recap) - Di's crushin' on Denny, just a little!

After the funeral, the women make their way back to the wing. And Shell makes her way back to Barbara, to taunt her about the message on the organ. Barbara's appalled she would do that in church and says what she did was "blasphemous."

Shell pushes past her, "I'm going to my cell now. See if I can remember where I hid that nice sharp razorblade."
Nikki (walking up behind them): "Dockley, do us all a favor - when you find it, use it on yourself."



Denny and Shell walk into the dorm and a very warm welcome.

"Hiya! I'm Shaz!"

Denny and Shell introduce themselves.


Shell: "So, Shaz, got any stash?
Shaz: "No. I got some rollers if you want one."
Shell: "I'd like to take your word for it, but I think we're gonna hafta do a little strip search. Shut the door, Den."
Denny: "You heard her, Shell. She said she ain't got none."


Way to step up, Den! Your long journey away from Shell has culminated in this very moment and as far as I'm concerned, you are 100% redeemed.

The wind taken out of her sails, Shell leaves. Shaz and Denny - new BFF.

Nighttime. Dr NoNo's walking thru the wing, apparently making house cell calls. He stops in the dorm where Crystal's lying in bed.

Dr. NoNo: "What's the problem?"
Crystal: "Headaches."
Dr NoNo (sneers): "Why do you people waste my time? Go and see the nurse and get a couple of aspirin."


Crystal: "Then you gonna give me an eye test? Then when the headaches get worse, you can put it down to me not wearing my glasses!
Dr. NoNo: "I beg your pardon?!"
Crystal: "And then when it gets really bad, and they find out it's a brain tumor..."


She moves towards Dr NoNo. Who practically falls over himself running out of the cell.

She follows him down the wing. "You didn't give a toss, did you? And you don't now, neither!"

The women start yelling at him as he storms past. Crystal actually throws herself onto NoNo (why oh WHY isn't there a screen cap for this??)

Dr. NoNo: "Get her off me!"

Di restrains Crystal.

Crystal: "The Lord knows though, don't he? He'll make sure you'll burn in hell!"

And THEN...wait for it, wait for it...she hocks a loogie right in his face!

"That's for Zandra."

I'm outta my chair and on my feet! Yay for you, Crystal! You've also redeemed yourself, WAY beyond my wildest expectations.

At the pool table, Denny watches Shaz play. And Shell burns with jealousy: "I don't know what you keep staring at her for. She ain't gonna be interested in you, is she?"

Uh, Shell? Have ya seen Shaz??

Shaz and Denny laugh and smile at each other. And start a new game of pool.

Shell: "So what're you in for? Nicking gobstoppers?"
Shaz (blithely): "Triple murder. (asks Denny) D'ya wanna break?"


Hee! Give it up already, Shell. You're like a two-time, three-time twelve-time loser today.

And she does give it up: "Going upstairs. It's boring here."

She pouts her way right past Nikki and Barbara.

Nikki: "Alright, now's your chance."
Barbara: "I can't."


Nikki tells her it's all bluff. "She's got shit for brains, you can outdo her anyday." And with that, Nikki practically shoves her up the stairs. "I'll be waiting outside, but you've gotta face her on your own."

Barbara walks into Shell's cell.


Shell: "Nice to see ya, Babs. What can I do ya for?"
Barbara (steels herself) "You can give me back my notebook."
Shell: "Go on, then. Finished it anyway."

She goes back to reading her magazine. Barbara looks unsure.

Shell: Well 'urry up. Before I change me mind."


But Barbara's too slow. And Shell changes her mind. As Babs reaches for the notebook, Shell pins her to the bed.

Barbara (screams): "Nikkiiii!"

But Nikki has to walk away. Time to wax on, wax off, Barbara.

Shell makes a mistake, however. She invokes the name of Peter, Barbara's husband who died from cancer. With seemingly superhuman strength, Babs throws Shell off her and right into the wall. Damn, way to wax on that ass, Babs!



Barbara: "Don't you DARE say his name! Do you hear? Not ever!"

Dominick's leaving work for the night - a long walk down the stairs and out the door, all the way to the gate. He stops to look up at Zan's window. A slight smile crosses his lips, as if he knows she's in a better place.


(sob)!


R.I.P. Zandra