Family Plan, Epi 2.10

I thought I hit my snark stride in another recap, but I think I outdid myself today. My excuse is that there's no Helen and Nikki and I'm still in mourning over Zandra. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Morning in Larkhall. Shaz and Denny are alone in the dorm since Crystal's been down the block (for the well-deserved ass kicking of Dr NoNo).

Shaz washes up as Denny looks on. Cue sappy music. It’s pretty adorable, even if it is a bit cheesy - the smitten look on Denny’s face....


...cross-cut with shots of Shaz slooowly washing up, rubbing soapy water over her neck and arms.


Ah, young lust.... if I was Denny, I might try to keep Crystal permanently down the block.

Screws Lounge. Sylvia tells Dominick, "well, if you ask me, with one arm in a sling, Dockley should be half as much trouble."

Karen walks in and doesn't like what she's hearing.

Dominick: "She says she fell."
Karen: "And you believe that?"
Dominick: "No."
Sylvia: "Well, there must be a dozen women here who've got a score to settle with Dockley. Maybe now she'll think twice about throwing her weight around again."

But Karen doesn't care if Shell had it coming. "I want to know who attacked her!"

Over on G3:


Shell's arm is actually broken. Wow. Motherfuckin’ Babs, ey? It's always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for. Well, and the loud, crazy ones, too.

Speaking of Babs, Yvonne sneaks up behind her and grabs her shoulder. Teasing, she backs off with, “it’s alright, I don’t want no trouble. I seen what you can do.” Ha.


Babs: "It's not funny. I can't believe what I did."
Yvonne (laughs): "No, neither can the rest of us! But the fact is, ya did it. And Dockley deserved it."
Babs: "I acted like an animal."
Yvonne: "Well, that's nothing special in here, love. Welcome to the zoo."

Denny asks Shaz about the 3 murders she's in for. Basically, Shaz was mad at her boss at the fish market where she worked. To get back at her, Shaz served up the juice from bad oysters to their customers, thinking they'd get sick and her boss would get in trouble. Ah well, some of the customers died.

Shaz: "Anyway, all this talk about food's got me famished. What's the brecky like around 'ere?"

Heh.

Karen marches her way to the wing. And demands everyone's attention.


Karen: "Right. I know some of you think you're hard enough to sort out any problems you might have with a bit of agro. On the outside, that's your business. But there is no room for violence in Larkhall. I'm not having it. From any of you. Not on G-Wing. Now, someone's had a go at Shell Dockley and I want to know who."


Ha! Shell's just mortified. And actually buries her head in her hands (well, just the one hand since, ya know...).

Yvonne (whispers to Barbara): "Take it easy, Babs. No one's gonna grass on ya."


Which she says out the side of her mouth, barely moving her lips. It's totally hilarious. And makes Babs look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

But Barbara's tortured conscience won't let her stay silent. No, she simply must confess. She rises nobly from her chair. "I did it. I hit her."

Now Shell's really mortified. She jumps up. "The old cow's blimey! I just fell over - no one's laid a finger on me!"

Karen doesn't quite believe her, though.


Shell insists, "how's an old mare like that gonna take me??"

How, indeed Shell?

Karen realizes this isn't going anywhere, so she says something lame like, "tell your personal officer blah blah," and leaves. Sorry Karen, but you are no Helen Stewart. I'm just sayin....

Denny introduces Shaz to Yvonne, and tries to recruit her for Babes Behind Bars.

Denny: "She wants to get in with the phone lines."
Yvonne (to Shaz): "Why? D'ya wanna work a switchboard?"
Denny: "Nah, she can talk dirty."
Yvonne: "I'm sure that's very nice for you after lockup, but I'm not into that sort of thing, Denny."


Hee!

But Denny just keeps babbling until Yvonne shuts her down. "Look, I don't know what you're on about, alright Denny?"


And Yvonne walks away.

Julies' Cell. Julie J's on the phone with a john, "I'm takin' me pants off now..." Grabs tissue and blows her nose. "Yeah, can you hear 'em?"

Ha! Maybe you hafta see that to appreciate it. Or maybe I'm just overreaching in my efforts to amuse myself with this epi & recap.

Sigh.

Yvonne pops into their cell. "You two been mouthing off to anyone?"

The Julies insist they haven't, and Yvonne says, "well, Denny bleedin' is."

Julie J: "Oh what, again?"
Julie S: "Who's she told this time?"
Yvonne: "Who d'ya think? Her new little girlfriend."
Julies: "Oh, bloody hell."


Julie S: "If she's gonna go and tell every girl she fancies..."
JulieJ: "...the whole wing's gonna know!"
Yvonne: "All we need is for the screws to find out about one phone and we'll all be stuffed."

I hate to point out the obvious, Yvonne, but they blew up the spot already. Last week. When Shell did her Olga the Screw routine in front of countless, nameless cons:


The phone sex scam should stay quiet for about as long as it takes for Crystal to invoke the Lord’s name.

In the dorm, Denny shows Shaz one of her scars. There's a whole story behind it (isn't there always?) involving a nightclub, a woman, and a sharp object (doesn't it always?).

I love the chemistry between these 2 - their instant attraction, mutual adoration, youthful...exuberance. Ok, youthful insanity, but still, it's kinda cute.

Shaz says she can get them out of the cell for the night, but Denny looks doubtful.

Oh yeah - there's a ridiculous subplot about Julie J wanting to get pregnant. She and Julie S embark on a great wide sperm hunt that I simply cannot make myself recap. Painful plot points include Julie J's propositioning both Dominick and the prison chaplain.

Jesus god, bring back Helen & Nikki - I BEG of you....

In the laundry room, Shaz fills her pockets with soap powder tablets.

And Barbara goes to Shell's cell. Where she's filing the nails on her broken arm.


Shell: "What are you doing here?"
Babs: "To tell you the truth, I don't really know."


Shell: "Piss off, then."

But Babs wants to know why Shell lied to Karen earlier (really?? Isn't it glaringly obvious?) Shell says Babs should be grateful but she didn't do it for her. Whatev. Babs thanks her anyway.

Shell: "So a quits, yeah? Now you keep outta my way, and I'll keep outta yours. Deal?"


Barbara nods. Thus the Treaty of Versailles Larkhall is penned and signed.

Nighttime. The meatwagon (fishwagon?) pulls up to Larkhall with new inmates.

The first woman out of the wagon steps out...and just stops. And looks around.

Sylvia: "Come on, you! You'll have time to stand around and gawk later."

Meanwhile, the next woman down the steps bumps right into the first woman. Who kinda elbows her, growling, "use yer eyes, bitch!" Yeah, she's pretty fucking scary.

Julie J's on the phone with the same john from earlier. Turns out his name is John (no, really). Having failed to relieve both Dom and the chaplain of their sperm, Julie decides to send john John a VO.

Julie S thinks she's crazy and says john John is "a dirty old perv!" But Julie J will proceed as planned. Julie S worries "Yvonne'll go ballistic if she finds out."

The bitchy new inmate's being processed by Dominick: "Renee Williams, sentenced to 18 months."

She turns around and fixes Dominick with an icy look. "Congratulations, you've won a car."


Really?? That's all the bang she's got? Even with that killer stare, that line's just lame.

Dominick: "Any medical problems?"
Renee: "Why don't you examine me to find out...darling?"
Dominick (repeats): "Any medical problems?"
Renee: "No."

Dominick starts to go through her things, and Renee tells him, "ya better make sure no one gets their friggin' thievin' fingers on that stuff!"
Dominick: "Don't worry, we keep all the thieves under lock and key."


OMG, did Dom just make a joke?!

When he tells her she has to spend the weekend in the dorm, she gets all pissy. "Dorm? I'm not sleeping in any dorm!"

Dominick: "Yes you are. (tells the other screw) She's all yours."

But when they try to move her, she starts yelling.

Dominick: "Hey! You got a problem? Cuz you are really starting to piss me off!"

Seriously, you know you've gone too far when you've pissed off Dominick. Though he actually proves pretty damn butch this epi. Also, Renee - I know you weren't here, but Karen specifically said she didn't want any agro on G-Wing. Just lettin' ya know...

The screw takes Renee into the next room, where she slips a razor blade out from her mouth.

Wait - so she just had that whole long chatty conversation with Dom with a razor blade in her mouth?? That's beyond ANY suspension of disbelief I can muster. At least without the aid of hallucinogens.

(But it does remind me of that really bad joke about the farmer's daughter. The farmer stuck a razor blade up his daughter's snatch since overnight travelers had a bad habit of... well, fucking his daughter. Every morning when the travelers came downstairs, the farmer made them whip out their dicks. And every time, the traveler's dick was bloody and mangled. One morning, a traveler comes downstairs, but when he whips it out, his dick is perfectly fine. Farmer: "thank you for being a gentleman and not taking advantage of my daughter. Traveler: "mmmpphhhh," since his tongue's been cut to ribbons. Ok, it doesn't really translate well online. Anyhoo.... oh yeah, I'm supposed to be recapping. Sorry - if it's not obvious, I'm bored with this epi. I'll delete this joke later).

Shaz and Denny prepare for their big night out by stuffing toilet paper in the door thingy, so the cell can't be properly locked.

Later, they sneak out with much excitement and anticipation.

Denny: "They'll kill us if they find out."
Shaz: "Who's gonna see us to tell 'em?"

In the bathroom, they slip the laundry cakes in the toilet tanks.


And fill condoms with water.

In the Julies' cell, Julie J's decided that john John should be her baby daddy. Julie S tries to talk her out of it, but Julie J is sure he's the one.

Shaz and Denny run back to their cell, breathless with the excitement of their night.


Denny: "Wicked night, Shaz."
Shaz: "We're gonna have a top notch time, you and I, Denny."

Morning in Larkhall. The women are in the bathroom, and as Julie S flushes the toilet, yep, soap suds come bubbling up out of the bowl.

Shell's cell. She wakes up, swings her legs out of bed, and puts her feet on the floor. It's flooded with water.

But in the bathroom, in the very last stall, Julie J finds the pièce de résistance:




In Karen's office, she demands an explanation from the officers. But they don't have one.

Karen: "Well, let's suppose we're not dealing with poltergeists or gremlins."


Dammit! I would love to see the officers break into ghostbuster mode.

Naturally, Sylvia passes the buck, saying it was night staff's responsibility. But Karen's not hearing it. "Locking up prisoners is your responsibility. And clearly, last night somebody wasn't locked up!"

Dominick: "I don't see how that's possible."
Karen: "Oh, so we're back to the Phantom of Larkhall."

Yes! Please? Oh, pretty please, Karen?? Send the screws out to look for phantoms and gremlins!

Karen: "You were the Senior Office on lockup last night, Sylvia. Did you make sure every cell was secure?"


Sylvia insists that she knows how to do her job.

Back on the wing, Shaz asks if Denny's up for another night out. But Denny's worried the screws will be extra watchful.

Denny: "And besides..." (pulls Shaz close).



Sylvia's bitching to Dom as they walk onto the wing. "It's always the same old broken record, isn't it? Sylvia's fault, Sylvia's fault, Sylvia's fault":


Oops, wrong screen cap. Eh, fuck it - not like you can really tell the difference.

Sylvia sees Shaz and Denny canoodling. "And you two, you can put a stop to that!"
Denny: "To what?"
Sylvia: "Handling each other! It's disgusting."
Shaz: "You're just jealous."
Sylvia: "That's enough of your lip. You won't be Miss Touchy-Feely banged up on the block, will ya?"

Well, she might be, but it's definitely not as much fun, being Miss Touchy-Feely all by yourself.

Shell's been listening to this all. She tells Shaz and Denny not to listen to old Bodybag. "Trouble with Hollamby is, she ain't gettin' any!"


Shell: "So, ya coming up to see me after lunchtime lockup, Den? I got some ciggies."

Denny: "I'd love to, Shell, but me and Shaz have got art."
Shell: "Art?"
Denny: "Yeah, we're doing art classes."
Shell: "Fair enough. No big deal."

But Shell actually looks sad. She really needs a new BFF. Maybe Yvonne can loan her that copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Dominick lets Renee out of the holding cell/dorm to take her to G-Wing. As soon as he opens the door, she starts bitching. Looking pointedly at the other (nonwhite) women in the cell, she complains she needs a shower. "Smells like a jungle in 'ere."


Dominick: "You make one more remark like that, and I'll have you on report."

He brings Renee onto the wing. Where she's immediately clocked by Yvonne.


Renee: "Well, well. Small bloody world, ain't it? I'd wondered where they'd shoved you."
Yvonne: "So now ya know."
Renee: "Yeah, I do, don't I? You'll be dead close."


Now Yvonne needs that other Dale Carnegie book, "How to Lose Enemies and Inter People."

Dom brings Renee into the dorm, but she's all "screw this, I want somewhere on me own."
Dominick: "Tough. You're in here."

Seriously, Renee - you are one annoying, whiny ass bitch. Let's hope you get what's coming to you.

And right now, what's coming to her is....Denny and Shaz, strolling back to their crib. They freeze in their tracks when they see Renee:


I half expect them to turn to stone just from gazing upon her visage.

Dinnertime. Yvonne and Renee meet up in the middle of the atrium.

Yvonne: "What they got you in for, then? Tartin' on street corners?"


Renee: "Love, darling. I'm doin' this for my fellow, aren't I? Sorta like you, I suppose."
Yvonne (smiles): "Still breathin', then?"
Renee: "Oh yeah. He'll live forever. Got a charmed life, he has. What about you? Ya got a charmed life? Cuz you're gonna need one, now that I'm 'ere."



Renee makes her way to the servery and asks Shell what's in the food. Shell doesn't know and she doesn't fucking care.

Renee: "How'd you like your tits dipped in the chip pan, darling?"

And that just scares Shell, who gives Renee whatever the hell she wants.

But what's with all the "dipping of tits" in food products on G-Wing? This is like the 3rd reference to cooking boobies in curry/chips/god knows what else.

Yvonne's eating with Babs and gives her the scoop. Turns out that Renee's husband and Charlie are rival gangsters.


Yvonne: "It was her old man fixin' it to try and bump my Charlie off. That's how I landed in here. It was Renee Williams' husband I took a contract out on to kill."

Ah, it's all becoming clear now.

In the dorm, Renee watches as Shaz and Denny quietly share a snack. Apparently, their very chewing disturbs her.

Renee: "D'ya hafta eat like that?"
Denny (offering the bag): "Want one?"

Renee takes the bag and dumps it in the loo.

"Shit. Bitch!" Denny jumps up and goes after her. But Renee pushes her against the door and pulls the razor out her ass from.... somewhere.


Renee: "Which bitch is shitting now, ey?"
Shaz: "Hey, come on. Leave 'er alone."
Renee: "Let's just get a couple things sorted, alright? Alright, sweetheart?!"
Denny: "Yeah!"
Renee: "I don't like you. Or your little boyfriend (looks at Shaz). And if I have to share a room with you 2 monkeys, get one thing clear: This. Is. Renee's. Room. Ok?"


Damn! Ok, bitch, we got it. It's your cell, no prob. But remember - even you have to sleep at some point...

Julie S is getting Julie J all made up for john John's visit. The plan is to jerk off john John so Julie J can.... somehow inseminate herself. All in all, a brilliant plan.

Julie J (holds up yogurt container): "You sure this is gonna work? Doesn't seem very scientific to me."
Julie S: "Science has got nothin' to do with it. Believe me, it'll work."


This from the woman who wanted to "hug" the wine they were brewing to keep it warm.

Yvonne's walking outside when out of nowhere comes Renee. Holding her razor blade. Just then, Dominick and Sylvia come walking by so Yvonne slides off behind them.

Damn, Yvonne. Time to make yourself a shank. For real, for real.

Visiting Room. John John shows up and says it's a real pleasure to meet "Whiplash Wanda."


I don't know whether to laugh or jump in a shower.

Shaz and Denny are roaming Larkhall, and pop into a cleaner's closet. Sylvia's walking by when she hears them giggling. She pulls the door open to find.... Denny and Shaz with mops on their heads.

Sylvia: "Got you! Out, now!"
Denny: "We weren't doin' nothin'"
Sylvia: "Well whatever you were doing, I hope you made the most of it. Because you two are getting split up. For good!"



In the visiting room, john John's upset that they don't have any privacy. Julie tells him it'll be "just like over the phone. Only I'll be here to give you a hand."

Indeed, she does. She slips her hand under the table and we hear the sound of his fly unzipping. His fingernails claw the table a bit.


Oh that settles it - a shower it is.

Karen's Office.

Sylvia: "...unnatural activities."
Karen: "Such as?"
Sylvia: "Denny Blood and that new girl are all over each other like bed boils. It's sickening. And it's a bad influence."


Karen's not receptive to Sylvia's complaint, though. And Dominick can barely refrain from laughing.

Sylvia: "I beg your pardon. Perhaps I should remind you, Mum, that lesbian activities are against prison rules."
Karen: "Just how difficult do you want your job to be?"
Sylvia: "I'm sorry. I don't follow you."
Karen: "Some rules, not many - but one or two — are best turned a blind eye to if we want to have any chance at all of running an orderly prison."
Sylvia: "But it's disgusting."
Karen: "Then don't watch 'em when they're at it!"


HAHA! Good on you, Karen! Now, if you can just amend that induction handbook and officially declare lesbianism an "In Cell Hobby," right under guitar playing...

Back in the visiting room, john John's getting suspicious, and then Julie drops the yogurt container. So that's the end of that.

In Karen's office, however, the Julies haven't exactly worked out their story. Karen wants to know who else was in on "this little scam" of theirs.


The Julies swear no one else was involved, but Karen doubts they came up with it on their own. Considering they basically share just the one brain.

Cut to G-Wing where, yep, it's bang up time.

Sylvia "Come on, you lot! I want everyone in their cells. There's been a serious breach of security!"

Yvonne (turns to Denny and Shell): "Shit, it's the phones! It's gotta be! They found out about the bloody phones."



Sylvia (yelling): "Every cell on the wing's gonna have a spin!"

Way to give them a heads up, Sylvia. Quick everyone, flush your stashes!

Sure enough...

Yvonne: "'Ere, take this, Denny (shoves her phone in her hand). Shell, gimme yours. Then go and get yours and dump 'em."

Sylvia's still screaming at inmates, screws are running into cells, turning over mattresses, emptying shelves. Madness and mayhem ensue.

In the bathroom, Denny flushes the phones.



After a thorough search of the wing, the screws come up empty handed. No phones, no nothing. Dominick's not convinced - he doesn't think the Julies came up with the scam on their own.

In the dorm, Shaz is worried.

Shaz: D'ya think that screw means it?
Denny: "Hollamby? Splitting us up? Yeah, she means it."
Shaz: "Wish I had a bag of old oysters."
Hee.
Denny: "Love you, Shaz."


Sylvia suddenly appears in the doorway. "I thought you'd want to know that the powers that be have decided to turn a blind eye to your activities. But don't think I will. What you two do to each other is unnatural and disgusting. And if the only way to stop it is finding some way to get you split up, then I'll do it. One way or the other."

Denny (under her breath): "Not if we get to you first, you won't."

Right on, Denny. Pass those oysters.

Out on the wing, Yvonne glares at the Julies as they're being taken down the block. She storms over to Shell and Babs. "What the bloody hell did they think they were doing?"

Babs: "Well, look on the positive side - at least the screws didn't find your phones."
Yvonne: "Yeah, but if we haven't got the phones, we can't carry on with the business, can we?"
Babs: "Yeah, but you're not in trouble either, are you?"

Babs, you're just not getting this prison business thing, are you? S'alright, Yvonne - I feel you. Good help is SO hard to find.

Yvonne shushes them as Renee comes over. She tells Yvonne that she knows Charlie's banged up.

Renee: "At least you know Charlie ain't poking any other women."
Yvonne: "Don't judge my Charlie by what your old man gets up to."
Renee: "Oh, I'm not, love. I'm speaking from experience. Oh, don't tell me he never 'fessed up about me and 'im? (pause) Whoops."


Yvonne: "In your dreams. He wouldn't touch you with a barge pole."
Renee: "Nah, you're right. It wasn't a barge pole he used. It was kinda unusual, if I remember. That nasty little scar he's got just over it. Couple of inches lower and he wouldn't have had one to shag me with."



Yvonne is truly gutted. Shell and Babs watch as she walks off back to her cell. She takes down Charlie's picture and stares at it. And starts to cry.

While I really hate to see you cry, Yvonne, I can't get that broken up over your Charlie. I do, however, feel horrible that Babes Behind Bars went bust. That right there was one lucrative biz.



Ok, I'm ready for the return of Helen and Nikki. In fact, I'm SO ready, I'm just gonna sit right here. Until they come back.

Yep. Gonna sit right here.


Until they come back.




(drums fingernails on desk....)



(...whistles....)



(...picks lint out of navel....)