Mistaken Identity, S2.5

This exciting epi brings the arrival of one “Mad” Tessa Spall - the mention of whose very name strikes fear and dread in the hearts of the screws. Jim only knows her by reputation, but tells Di and Sylvia she hacked her own sister up into pieces. And chewed the ear off a screw. And she’s HIV-positive.


Then he sends them off to Reception to process her.

Outside in the meat wagon, a woman locked in back screams, “please let me out! I can’t breathe in here!” over and over. Seems her paperwork’s gone missing though, and Sylvia warns the other screws to be careful - Spall is “infected.”

Shell’s lying on her bed, still sad from last week cuz, ya know, no one likes her. Dominick stops by and tries to coax her out of her cell but Shell can't be bothered:


Dominick: “Look, Miss Betts just told us that group therapy starts tomorrow. Why don’t you give it a try? You might get something out of it.”
Shell: “Yeah, well, I’d rather stuff envelopes and get paid for it.”

But Dom says that therapy is her best shot at getting back on Enhanced, as it would prove that she really wants to change.

In Reception, Mad Tessa is dragged thru the halls screaming. Meanwhile, Bodybag processes another new inmate, Barbara Hunt. Who seems awfully nice and well-mannered. Sylvia says, “we like new prisoners who don’t create problems for us.”


And I just can't see this inmate creating problems for anyone.

Spall, still screaming, is held down on the floor of her cell while the doctor gives her an injection: “That’ll shut her up for the rest of the night.”

Atkins/Fenner Scheme, Phase I: During breakfast, Fenner pulls Yvonne to the side and gives her the details of their plan: they’ll pretend Charlie has liver cancer. And next visiting day, he’ll get them a private room.

Yvonne: "Nice."
Jim: "Just make sure I get mine."
Yvonne: "Oh, don’t worry. I’ll ring Charlie and tell him. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship, Mr. Fenner."
Jim: "Act a bit smarter, then. Don’t keep stirring it with old Bodybag. Smooch her up a bit, get her off your back."


Ugh. I’m not sure which is worse: a beautiful friendship with Fenner or smooching it up with Sylvia. I’d rather be Tessa Spall right now – passed out on the floor of a cell.

Dominick sees Zandra still rubbing her head, and asks what’s wrong. She complains that she needs a decent doctor - the one at Larkhall won’t give her anything. When Dom asks why not, Zan says, “why do you think he’s called Dr NoNo?”

Ok, so NOT because his first name’s Nanette?

Denny asks Shell if she’s going to group therapy but Shell’s not interested. Until Denny says it “could be a laugh.” Suddenly, Shell's interested.



Dominick tracks down Mad Tessa's cell and peers in on her. She’s still wasted off her ass. He asks Dr. NoNo when she can come onto the wing. The doctor says maybe after lunch.

Dom: "I wanted to ask you about another inmate. Zandra Plackett."
Dr. NoNo: "Oh, no."
Dom: "She’s still complaining about headaches."
Dr. NoNo: "Good."
Dom: "Sorry?"
Dr. NoNo: "When it starts to be more of a pain than a pleasure, she might do something about changing her drug habits."
Dom: "But she has changed, I thought."
Dr. NoNo: "So why did she refuse a blood test when she last came to see me?"

Hmm...that is an intriguing question.

Atkins/Fenner Scheme, Phase II: Jim makes a show of pulling Yvonne away from work for a “phone call.”

Zandra Plackett Scheme, Phase MXVII: Zan tries getting some jellies from Shell:

Shell: "I thought you was off all that stuff?"
Zandra: "Yeah, I need something for my head."
Shell: "Yeah, well too bad, cuz deals is not what I do no more. Cuz I’m learning to love myself, right?"
Zandra: "What?"
Shell: "So I’m going to this therapy group, innit?"

Then she laughs rather maniacally. Which just makes me laugh (but nonmaniacally).


I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that whatever Shell needs is FAR beyond the scope of group therapy.

Dominick stops Sylvia in the hallway about Mad Tessa: “I’m gonna see if I can talk to her after lunch, when she’s come around a bit.”
Sylvia: “Am I the only one fond of my 2 ears in this place? Let’s leave her there, Dominick, until we can ship her back out.”

Karen comes walking thru, but she’s busy, busy, busy with those budget meetings. Sylvia starts bitching about the new inmate that was pawned off on them, but Karen can’t be bothered. Until Sylvia says the magic word - 'Spall.’

Karen (worried): “Spall?”


Sylvia: “See? We all know that name, Dominick. (to Karen) Well, I suppose you must’ve been working there, weren’t you, when the actual ear was bitten off?”
(Hee).
Karen: “So we’ve got Tessa Spall on the wing?”
Dominick: “Well, actually, she’s down the block, doped up. I’m gonna move her as soon she’s ready.”
Karen (looking even more worried): “We’ll have to talk about this later.”

Yvonne comes back in the room. When the other women ask what happened, she explains about Charlie's liver cancer. Then breaks down in tears.



Di Barker takes Barbara to her cell, who then asks when she'll see the Governor. Di tells her the Guv's busy and might not see her today. Barbara asks if Karen Betts is the Governor.

And since Barbara just looks all kindsa disturbed, Di tries to comfort her: “you’ve not been in prison before, have you Barbara?
Barbara shakes her head, “no, miss.”
Di: “I’ll give you some advice – be very careful who you trust around here. Some people might seem very nice, but most of them...they’ll just be trying to get around ya.”


Good advice, Di. Yes, some people there do seem very nice.

Atkins/Fenner Scheme, Phase III: Lunchtime. Fenner tells Yvonne that Charlie will be visiting later.

Yvonne tells him she needs his address to get him the money, but Jim’s not having it – he’ll say where and when they exchange money. And no third parties, otherwise the deal’s off.

Shell’s watching them: “How come everyone’s all over Atkins all of a sudden?”
Denny: “You know why, Shell.”
Shell: “I didn’t get no sympathy when my Charlie died.”
Denny: “He was a canary.”
Shell: So?"

So you were the one who broke his neck, Shell.

But Shell’s obviously feeling better than she was this morning – when she sees Barbara, she tells Denny, “let’s go and say hello to the new girl. Cheer her up.”

Thankfully, Denny has to go to probation.

And, is that... Nikki? Yes, it is! She peeps Dockley following Barbara to her cell.



Shell wants to know what Barbara’s in prison for.

Barbara: "That’s private, isn’t it?"
Shell: "Not if I ask you, Babs. It means you’ll tell me, right?"
Barbara: "I don’t wanna get in trouble with the officers."
Shell: "I don’t think you’re understanding me. I’m the Governor on this wing. What I want, I get. So, let’s try again (walks right up to her). What are you in here for?"
Barbara: "Look, I just want to eat my lunch."
Shell: "You’re really pissing me off now (kicks door shut). You want me to teach you some manners? I said, Oi!"

And with that, Barbara jumps up and pushes Shell against the door, her lunch tray up against her throat.

Barbara: "I don’t like people who don’t listen to me!"


Apparently not!

Cut to Nikki walking down towards the cell where she hears Shell’s voice.

Nikki: “What are you doing in there, Dockley?”
Barbara: "It's okay! We just had an accident."

Nikki walks in to find...Shell on the floor cleaning up the food!

Nikki (to Barbara): "You alright?"
Barbara: "Yes, thank you. Just went and dropped my dinner."

...while Shell scrapes the food up with her spork. “I better get a cloth!” she sputters and runs off.

Nikki’s confused and looks at Barbara:



Who kinda shrugs:


“Whoops-a-daisy.”

Nikki leaves and walks straight into Dominick. Who has a letter for her.

Dom: "Thought I recognized the handwriting."
Nikki: "You read it?"
Dom (offended): "I don’t, do I?"

He says he hasn’t heard from Helen, and "it'd be nice to know if she's okay."
Nikki: "Would it?"

He walks off. When she sees Helen’s card, she softens a bit. “Dominick?” she calls after him. “Don’t worry. She’s fine.”

Helen’s card: “Have V.O. Will C.U. soon.”

Oh, not soon enough, Helen. We wait with bated breath.



Karen’s Office. She’s meeting with the therapist and tells her “the real hard nut’s the lifer, Shell Dockley.”

Karen explains, “she’s a raving nympho. Men mostly, but she’s been carrying on something with her little sidekick here, Daniella Blood.”

(and is it me or is this the first time Shell & Denny’s relationship is ever referenced)?

Karen goes on about Shell’s allegations against Fenner – she wants the shrink to see if she can get Shell to talk about it, but not in front of the other women, if possible. Which will be difficult to do.

Karen wants to try and help Shell, lest she become another Tessa Spall. Karen has a history with the shrink, who also knows Tessa. She warns Karen to be careful.

Sylvia comes to take Yvonne for her visit. Yvonne's taken Jim's words to heart, and starts schmoozing Bodybag. She tells her she knows a good lawyer that could help her collect on her neck injury. You know, the one Yvonne caused by shoving her down the stairs.

Atkins/Fenner Scheme, Phase IV: Charlie's visit – Yvonne's afternoon delight.



The group therapy gets off to a rocking start, with Shell’s hilarious story about an old boyfriend. But it quickly turns serious when she claims that the screws need therapy more than the cons.

The shrink tries to move the group along - Zandra’s still upset that she can’t get painkillers for her head. Denny says they’re treated like scum. And that brings Shell around to all the shit the screws get away with.

But the shrink says the group is for them to talk about themselves and their own actions. If they have complaints about the screws, they should go to the Board of Visitors - she can’t help them with that.

Shell: "Might as well sod off then."
Shrink: "Sorry, Michelle?"
Shell: "Well, this is our lives, innit? Us and them. So what are you on about?"


Wow, Shell speaking truth to power! Maybe this group therapy thing's working after all.

Dom and Dr. NoNo go to check on Tessa Spall.

Tessa: "Get away from me! Don’t touch me!"



Dr. NoNo looks disgusted, and tells Dom, “I think you’re wasting your time.” He leaves.

Dom just wants to talk to her - he says they’re only keeping her there because of the way she’s behaving. She’s appalled: “what? you treat me like an animal! You hold me down and inject me with drugs!”

Dominick: "Look, we all know you’ve had a lot of problems, Tessa."
Tessa: "What are you talking about? You don’t know anything about me, you don’t even know my bloody name!"

What? What’s that you say, Tessa?

Tessa dissolves in tears on the floor. Dominick walks out.

Yvonne and Charlie in post-coital convo – she tells him Fenner's trying to call all the shots. Also, no third-parties as far as payment. Charlie thinks Jim needs to be put in his place.

Just then, Di comes in – visiting time’s over.

Cut to group therapy. Some anonymous con is crying, so clearly this is going the way it should. The shrink asks if anyone else wants to talk about “when they’ve let men take advantage of them.”

Why, Shell does! But since it’s about a screw, she’s warned to not use names. She goes on about how he hit her and forced her to have sex.

Shrink: "Did you ever enjoy having sex with him?"
Shell: "What, you trying to make me feel guilty or something?"
Shrink: "Do you feel guilty about it?"
Denny: "This is bollocks, man. Better off stuffing envelopes. C’mon, let’s go."

Denny and Shell get up.


Shrink: "So you’re going to give up just when it starts to feel uncomfortable, are you Michelle? Well, it’s up to you. Only don’t pretend to yourself you’re leaving because you’re bored."
Shell: "How do you know what I’m thinking?"
Shrink: "Why do you feel guilty about sex, Michelle?"


Denny wants Shell to leave but she says, "started now, didn't I?" and sits back down.



Out in the yard. Di calls Barbara's name a few times, but Barbara doesn’t respond. Di starts walking with her and Barbara again asks about her appointment with Karen. Apparently, it's not happening soon enough for her.

Barbara: "So what do I have to do, then? Write to my MP?"
Di: "You soon picked a bit of an attitude, haven’t you? Look, leave it with me, Barbara, and I’ll see if I can put a word in."

Wow, I've never seen someone so anxious for their induction!

Barbara approaches Nikki, who’s busy gardening.

Barbara: "I want a word with you. So you think you’re a big sister, do ya?"
Nikki: "‘Scuse me?"
Barbara: "Sticking your nose in. Doing the screws job for them. Lick their arses for ‘em too, do ya?"
Nikki: "Look, I’m busy."
Barbara: "I’ll tell you what you are, you piece of snot. You’re a narc, inn’t ya?"
Nikki: "Look, I don’t know what you’re problem is, I’m not interested. So why don’t you save your breath and run around the playground instead?"


But then Nikki makes a terrible mistake – she turns her back on Barbara. That shit's like Prison 101 – you NEVER turn your back on someone who’s crazy. Or giving you a hard time. That should be in their Induction Handbooks.

So Barbara proceeds to stomp on the back of Nikki’s leg. And Nikki proceeds to tackle and choke her. Dom and Jim run over and break it up, but no one saw what happened. Barbara claims that Nikki just attacked her and tried to kill her.

Nikki: "You lying shit! (to the screws) You don’t believe that!"
Dominick: "I didn’t see it."
Nikki: "It’s bollocks! She’s a head case!"
Fenner: "And you’re back on Basic, darling. Move!"

And he takes Nikki away:


Hmmm...shouldn't she go down the block for fighting and not just back to Basic?

Karen meets with the screws. Dom says when he spoke to Tessa, she seemed more frightened than anything else. But Karen warns him he doesn’t know how clever she can be.

Di says that Barbara’s been bugging her to see Karen, but is surprised that Nikki gave her "a slapping.” Fenner insists it was unprovoked and that Nikki was just throwing her weight around. Karen agrees to meet with Barbara after lunch.

As long as Nikki's back down on Basic, Jim suggests moving Yvonne up to Enhanced.

Nikki's moving her things when Dom comes into the cell. He asks why Nikki doesn’t talk to Betts if the fight wasn’t her fault:

Nikki: "Look, I’m not interested. If you lot wanna believe a total head case, that’s your problem. I just wish I hadn’t saved Dockley from her."
Dominick: "What?"
Nikki: "She was gonna do her over."

Finally, a teeny weeny light bulb goes off in Dom’s teeny weeny (albeit sweet) brain, and he rushes off.



Fenner brings Yvonne up to her new digs. Now that she’s on Enhanced, she gets more spends and extra visits. He wants his money today, and says he’ll ring Charlie to tell him when and where.

Jim: "I hope you’ll encourage him to be generous."
Yvonne: "Oh, don’t worry. We always look after our friends."

I’m reminded of that old poem: “come in to my parlor, said the spider to the fly...”

Di goes to get Barbara for her induction with the Guv, but Barbara needs to go get her induction handbook first. Which apparently looks like this:


No, she's not shooting up - she's drawing blood.

Karen's Office. Barbara's let into the office, and when Karen looks up, Barbara says, "hello Miss Betts. Remember me?"


Karen: "Tessa!"


Tessa: "There's seems to have been a bit of a mix up."
Karen (trying to stay calm): "Yes, why don't you sit down?"

Wait, so Barbara's really Tessa?? Oh, NOW I get it.

As Karen reaches for the phone, Tessa pulls out her blood-filled spike: "get your finger off there, right now! Or you're gonna be HIV-positive!"

Karen (pulls her hand back): "Okay."
Tessa: "Told you I'd get you back one day, didn't I?"

Meanwhile, Dom goes into fake Tessa's cell and says, "Look, I just need to ask you one question: what is your full name?"
Barbara: "How many times do I have to tell you people? I am Barbara Ann Hunt!"


Dominick rushes back to the screw's lounge and tells Jim and Di what's happened. Jim heads to Karen's office.

Back in Karen's office, Karen tries to reason with Tessa.
Tessa: "Shut your gob. There ain't no words for me, Miss Bloody Betts. You did that. Cuz you took away the one lovely thing in my whole shitting life, didn't you? My Debbie. You took her away. You turned her against me, you bitch."

Turns out Karen was her personal officer in whatever prison they were at before. Karen explains there were extenuating circumstances. She wasn't trying to hurt Tessa.

Tessa: "You knew what would happen to me. You knew my head would go 'pop.' You just didn't give a toss!"


Karen says that what happened with Debbie was "complicated," but Tessa freaks out and tells Karen that she knows what happened.

Karen: "Alright. I'll tell you what really happened. But you won't like it. The fact is, I split you and Debbie up because she asked me to. That's the honest reason. She wanted to get away from you."

Jim's now made his way to Karen's office and is standing outside.

Karen: "Tessa, you asked me for the truth, that's it. Debbie told me she was frightened of you. She said she'd wake up in the middle of the night and find you there by her bed, staring at her. She said you didn't like her talking to anybody else."
Tessa: "'Cause I had to look after her. Cause she was too smiley with people, I told her that. She kept on getting the wrong kind of attention."

Karen says that it was Tessa's attention that scared Debbie, but Tessa thinks she's lying.

Jim bursts into the office and Tessa grabs Karen:


Karen gets Jim to stand down, but Tessa takes Karen hostage and heads for the parking lot - she wants Betts to drive them out of the prison.

Tessa makes Jim and Dominick open the gates for them and start scrambling once she's out of sight.

As Tessa and Karen make their way to the gate, Jim and Dominick jump out. "TESSSSAAA!" Jim yells, and turns a power hose on her which sends her flying. They pull Karen to safety.

Back on G-Wing, Nikki goes to her cell to find....someone else's things there. They're putting Barbara in with her. Seems she suffers from claustrophobia and they think she'll fare better sharing a cell. Nikki's not happy.

Over in the dorm, Zandra's crying from the headaches. Denny offers to score her something later, but it's too late for that. Zandra falls out on the floor:


Denny gets Dominick, who comes in and cradles Zandra.

Denny: "She's getting worse every day. You gotta get a doctor to give her something."
Dom: "Go to the office. Tell Ms. Barker to call an M.O. (to Zandra) Why do you keep taking this stuff?"

Atkins Scheme, Phase I: And Fenner's back on the links. But this time, he's there to meet Charlie. While Jim's putting, Charlie slips the money in his golf bag. All the while, off in the bushes, another man is snapping pics of the entire exchange.