and Zandra, who's itchy and twitchy:
In Reception, Lorna Rose is doing the intakes. She recognizes Zandra and says that there's karaoke tonite. "So don’t give me no agro and I’ll get you thru on time, alright?”
I guess Lorna Rose is like the Larkhall cruise director. So would the karaoke be on the Promenade or the Lido deck?
Servery. The women are talking about the evening's event.
Dawn (to Nikki) “Are you going to the karaoke tonite?”
Nikki: “No, don’t wanna see Dockley singing her tits off.”
Oh I do! (raises hand) I wanna see Dockley singing her tits off!
But here comes Rachel. Shell's still hassling her about drugs, and gives her some vegan shit on a plate.
Nikki, watching from her table, jumps in. “What are you playing at now, Dockley?” Shell backs down and gives Rachel some nonvegan shit on a plate.
Nikki walks her to a table, offering some sage advice:
Nikki: “Rachel, listen, if you wanna help yourself, just make sure you don’t get too friendly with that bastard screwdriver, Fenner.”
Rachel: “Don’t know what you mean.”
Nikki: “I mean, Dockley’s doing life for what she did to a girl she got jealous of. So just be smart. Don’t give her any cause, yeah?”
But Rachel doesn’t seem smart, so Nikki walks away.
Helen’s Office. Good morning, Miss Stewart! Seems she received some mail this morning - an anonymous complaint about the drug testing at Larkhall.
The letter accuses staff of deliberately choosing women who are clean to be piss tested. This way, G-Wing keeps the stats and paperwork on drugs/addicts down. Helen wants to implement some changes, which doesn’t go over well with Jim or Sylvia.
Sylvia complains about having to supervise the urine tests. But Fenner’s more practical. And political. He doesn’t see anything wrong with skewing the tests. Besides, ALL the prisons are doing it nowadays.
Helen: “Well, I want it clear from now on that the only people that you will specifically target for a hard time are suspected users, ok?”
Jim breaks it down in simple terms: “Prison makes them feel bad, drugs make them feel good. They’ll get hold of ‘em, no matter what we do.”
Oh christ – what does it mean when I actually agree with Fenner on something?? I’m not saying they should dispense heroin with the meds, but he has a point. Of course they'll find a way to get high. Locked up in prison? Who wouldn’t?
Sylvia's suggestion is to implement “100% closed visits.” Meaning no face to face contact between inmates and visitors.
Even Jim groans at that, realizing the backlash that would provoke. And since he's got nothing but love for the inmates, he says it wouldn't be fair to the nonusers. Especially the ones with little babies! Why must they suffer as well??
Sylvia: “Because suffer they must.”
Ah. That makes perfect sense. If you’re a fucking SADIST.
Helen’s had enough of all this: "We are going to reach out to women like this and bloody well show them that we're on their side."
Back in Reception, Monica and Zandra are getting acquainted. Sort of. They’re both frustrated - Monica needs a phone and Zandra needs...well, to get out of Reception. Zandra borrows Monica’s pen and fiti’s a Drug Helpline sign:
Which I think means "fuck you" in Yankee-speak.
Lorna Rose: “Tea time soon, girls. The trolley’s just come down.”
That’s just precious. So far, Larkhall ain’t looking half bad - fashion shows, karaoke, tea & crumpets. Sucks that the crumpets come in between strip searches, but hey, nothing’s perfect!
Jim sneaks off in search of jail bait. In Rachel’s cell. This just creeps me out. Mostly because she really does look 12 years old. Jim pretends like he’s ashamed of what he did, and apologizes for taking advantage of her.
Blegh. Rachel – you are too, too gullible.
Back in Reception, Zandra asks why Monica’s there. Monica explains that it’s all a mistake: “I shouldn’t be here.” And Zandra echoes inmates across the world when she affirms, “we’re all innocent, Monica.”
Can I get a witness??
Just then, Sylvia pops in. Monica again asks to use a phone, but Sylvia recognizes her as “that fraud woman" from the papers. As she leaves, she tells Monica, "it's 'Miss' or 'Mrs. Hollamby' when you speak to me in future."
But once she's gone, Zandra reveals Sylvia's true Christian name: 'Old Bodybag.'
Shell strolls down the wing and notices the new “DRUGS” signs. She seems pleased and tells Dominick, “those junkie girls can make our lives a misery.”
Dom explains how easy it is to report someone confidentially, so that even the screws don’t know about it. Just call the Dedicated Search Team! That's DST, in prison parlance. Since they’re especially, you know, dedicated.
Helen grabs Nikki just as she’s coming out of the shower. Well, not just coming out of the shower – that’d be entirely too delicious. Nikki’s coming out of the shower room, though Helen does, literally, grab her by the arm:
Helen: “I wanted to talk to you about Carol Byatt.”
Nikki: “Did you, Miss?”
Helen: “I didn't have her shipped out. It went over my head. And if you think it was to stop her from suing us for negligence, then I'm absolutely sure you're right.”
Alas poor Carol, we hardly knew you!
Nikki (not impressed): “Great. Even more amazing to me you can stick your job, Miss” (starts to walk away).
Helen: “So you still don't think you can do any good then?”
Nikki: “No (looks at new 'DRUGS' sign). I think you do a really great poster. Very eye-catching. Totally pointless.”
They ARE eye-catching. Eye-fucking-seizing, in fact. But Helen doesn't appreciate the hatin' on her signs, and explains she’s only trying to protect their “civil liberties.”
Nikki (amused): “My what?”
Helen: “Because that is what I’m trying to do here, Nikki. For all of you nondrug users.”
I don't know how Nikki keeps from busting out laughing.
Nikki: “Are you trying to wind me up?”
Helen: “You’re not telling me you take drugs, are you?”
Nikki: “No. I’m not telling you anything.”
And with that, Nikki's gone.
Cut to...
...Shell! Whose ready to
Yes, I enjoyed that WAY too much.
She walks into Rachel’s cell, “Not coming to the karaoke then, Rachel?”
She slides up right behind poor Rachel and says, “you’re just gonna have to learn to stick up for yourself. Cause otherwise, let’s face it,” she brushes Rachel’s hair back from her face, “your life’s not gonna be worth living, is it?”
Oh Shell – you move me between pure lust, sheer hilarity, and severe distress.
But this is the second bit of good advice Rachel’s gotten today - "stick up for yourself" and "stay away from Fenner." I hope Rachel’s smart enough to heed at least one of them.
Shell wants her to write a letter to the DST, warning them of drugs on the wing. And she wants Rachel to “name names.” No, not Shell's name - that just gets Rachel a smack in the head. Shell has someone else in mind.
Zandra’s finally been processed, but en route to her cell, she has a bathroom emergency. And by “emergency,” I mean she simply MUST get high. That was a long wait in Reception!
In the bathroom, she pulls out the dope she crutched (and a spoon and needle). And now I get why she was so aggie - it could not have been comfortable sitting with that shit up in her, especially that spoon.
She comes out a few minutes later, considerably more....relaxed.
Monica finally gets her phone call and tries to make arrangements for her son, but it doesn’t go very well.
In the meantime, everyone’s pumped for karaoke. Shell is happy to get a pair of earrings from Denny. Denny is happy to just kiss Shell’s cheek.
And Nikki tries to call her girlfriend, who doesn’t answer. I don’t like this woman already. Why isn’t she at Nikki’s beck and call, goddammit??
Lorna Rose brings Monica to a temporary holding cell which is...just rank and putrid. Still, she's all over that Cruise Director thing, and bids them cheerio: “right, girls! Don’t do anything me and the queen wouldn’t do! See you Monday! Good night.”
Monica looks shellshocked. Zandra, barely coherent on the next cot, mumbles, “gotta shut that all out, Monica. Go into yourself. Stay safe.”
Very zen, Zan! The whole “go into yourself” thing is easier with all that heroin pumping thru you, ey?
Dominick brings Julie S a letter from her son David, who's 15 and in some private school.
Julie S’s dilemma: she needs to call his friend’s posh parents to give David permission to travel, but she's afraid her accent will make her seem déclassé.
And they’re transferring the new inmates. Zandra, who's already spotted Denny, freaks when she realizes she’s headed for G-Wing. "Please, miss! There's people there that's out to get me," and she begs to transfer elsewhere. But her pleas fall on Bodybag’s deaf, sadistic ears.
Not only does Zandra go to G-Wing, she goes right into the dorm with Denny. Who seems pleasantly surprised to see her: "You was in here on remand last year."
Denny insists she still owes them smack. Zan doesn’t even get to unpack her plastic bag before Denny grabs her. And throws her down. And chokes her.
Monica panics, calling for help. But this is prison, so there is no ‘help’ coming.
She pulls herself together: “For God’s sake, I said ‘stop it!’”
Denny: “And who do you think you are to tell me what to do, bitch?”
She’s motherfucking Monica! And to prove it, she goes all ghetto on that ass and slaps her. No, really - she actually slaps Denny!
Denny is so stunned, she can only gape at Monica. I'm all agape myself. Damn, Mon! Ain't there a hot minute and already kicking ass. Maybe you can teach Rachel a thing or two.
Monica: “I think you should go and calm down, don’t you?”
Denny leaves, but not before telling Zandra "just wait until Shell finds out you're back."
Nikki, having heard the commotion, comes into the dorm. “You alright?” she asks. But no, Zan’s not alright. She goes running for the can where she starts yuking. And Monica looks ready to hurl as well.
Cut to DST planning a raid. They're breaking out the big guns: pepper spray, night sticks, handcuffs, little mirrors, pliers, electric drills. Are they gonna toss cells or renovate them??
Monica looks a bit better after Nikki takes her around, explaining what’s what at Larkhall: the commissary (canteen), their spends, the “incentives and earned privileges scheme."
Helen's office. She's doing Monica'a induction but Helen's still distracted from her chat with Nikki.
Helen: “The purpose of this interview blah blah blah basic prison procedure. Ask me blah blah questions...”
Monica is outraged: “If someone had told me what goes on in here, I would never have believed them! Strip searching, sharing an open toilet, uniformed men peering at you in your bed!”
Helen: “Yes, I know. Coming to prison for the first time must be a great shock, but what we have to do now is help you deal with it.”
I wish I could convey Helen's utter boredom here - it's like she yawned out those last lines.
Monica tho, is fairly shrieking now: "Deal with it?! I can’t deal with this!”
Obviously Monica's upset, but Helen just ain't feelin' it. In fact, she's getting annoyed. When Monica complains about being there for 5 years, Helen says only, “I’m sorry, Monica. I can’t comment on your actual sentence.” Hee. Bitchy Helen's kinda hot...
And it gets better:
Monica: "I have a son, Spencer to look after."
Helen: "A son?"
Monica: "Yes, he absolutely relies on me. He hasn't spent a night apart from me in his whole life. He won't be able to cope."
Helen asks how old he is, and Monica says he’s 30.
Helen: “Thirty? Well, don’t you think it’s about time he grew up, Monica?”
(in all fairness to Helen, I had the exact same response).
Monica: “My son has Down Syndrome.”
Oops! Helen's embarrassed (in all fairness, I had the exact same response). She apologizes to Monica.
As they leave the office, Helen suggests getting Monica on medication, but Monica refuses. She doesn't want to dull the pain - since Spencer can't, neither will she.
Denny, at Shell’s behest, is searching Zan’s things for her stash. She’s frustrated at first, until it hits her: “she’s crutched it all.”
And the DST is off and running. To Nikki Wade’s cell, compliments of Shell/Rachel's letter.
They burst in on Nikki:
DST: "Stand up, Wade!"
Nikki (stands): "Yes, sir."
DST: "Have you got anything in this room or on your person you shouldn't have?"
Nikki: "No, sir."
DST: "Are you trying to be disrespectful to me?"
Nikki: "Disrespectful sir? Sorry, I thought you were a man. Sorry, miss."
The screw, an Officer But Not a Gentleman, doesn’t like being mocked. "Strip!"
Then she makes Nikki squat over a mirror. Despite the humiliation, Nikki stays calm, almost defiantly so. She finally says, “God, it must drive you wild not being allowed to touch me.”
Helen learns about the DST and Nikki from Fenner, of all people:
By the time she gets to Nikki’s cell, which is now trashed, Nikki's plenty pissed:
Nikki: "Nice work."
Helen: "I'm going to make a complaint, Nikki. They are not allowed to do this."
Nikki: "They're allowed to make me squat over a mirror."
Helen: "Nikki, they had good reason to suspect that you were dealing in drugs."
Nikki: "Why? Because you told them?"
Helen: "No I didn't, actually."
Nikki: "You liar."
But this is all part of Helen's big plan to protect the inmates “civil liberties.” And even though they didn't find drugs on Nikki, Helen knows they'll find them on other women. And all the women who don’t use drugs will thank her one day.
Nikki: “Well, fantastic! I’m really glad you’re convinced you’re doing the right thing. Now why don’t you just piss off out of my space!”
She flings her cup across the cell. Helen stands there for a minute, surveying the scene. She finally leaves, saying, “you really let yourself down, Nikki.”
Oh, what the fuck?? Exactly how has Nikki “let herself down?” Arrghh... that's just annoying, Helen.
And thus begins my very long love/hate relationship with Helen Stewart...
As Helen shuts the door behind her, she stands outside for a long moment. Alone in her cell, Nikki starts to cry.
And if the last 10 minutes weren’t harsh enough, they kick it up a notch with a harrowing scene in the showers: Shell wants her dope from Zandra and she wants it NOW. Zan’s restrained by a couple of inmates as Denny mushes her rubber-gloved hands in a tub of margarine. I can barely type a "GAH" here.
They hold Zandra down and Denny takes the drugs. ‘Nuff said.
Well, except just how fucking evil Shell is.
Ok Shell – I’m over you now. Yep, just like that. All it takes is one little decrutching and I. Am. Gone.
Rachel is still clueless and goes to Jim for help with Shell. She tells him that Shell's threatening her and made her stitch up Nikki. But Fenner, ya know, doesn’t give a shit.
Back in the dorm:
Monica goes to get Nikki, who's a little preoccupied what with the DST drama and all, but she goes to check on Zan:
Nikki: "Zandra? What have they done?"
Zandra: "What do you think? I asked for it, didn’t I?"
Nikki realizes what happened and offers to get salts so Zan can soak in a bath. And volunteers Monica to go with her.
Nikki: “What are you gonna do for your next fix?”
Zandra: “It’ll be okay tomorrow. A visit.”
The 2 Julies get Monica to call David’s mother and pretend to be Julie S to give permission for David’s trip.
Fenner grabs Shell and tells her to knock it off with Rachel. He tells her he knows about the letter. “I’m warning you for your own good, she’s trouble. And I can’t go on protecting you if you act stupid.”
Visiting time. Zandra waits for her fiancée. And the smack he’s bringing her. Monica's son, Spencer, arrives.
And Nikki’s girlfriend Trish shows up.
Yeah, that pic's strictly gratuitous.
And despite the big baby blues from Trish, it's clear there’s distance growing between them.
The nun who brings Spencer explains to Monica that he knows she's in Larkhall doing a "special job for the queen."
Helen pops in for...some reason and talks to a heretofore unknown guard.
Nikki sees Helen and tells Trish, "that's our new commandant, over there by the desk."
Trish (looks over her shoulder): "Is that her? You never said she was a babe."
When it’s clear Zan’s man’s ain't coming, Lorna Rose tries to escort her out but Zandra kicks up a fuss. Bodybag comes over and Zan just shrieks, "I want to see my fiancé!"
Hee! I like when Zandra comes unhinged. That Sylvia doesn't bat an eye is priceless.
Shell has taken Jim’s advice to heart, about leaving Rachel alone. If by “to heart” you mean “completely ignore.” Shell’s helped herself to one of Rachel’s shirts, which she’s now wearing. And which Rachel doesn't appreciate.
Shell: "Well, that's alright, innit Rachel? We're friends now, aren't we?"
Apparently not, since Rachel runs to her cell to see what else Shell's taken. Shell follows her inside: "Well? Aren't ya gonna tell me I look nice?"
DST has been watching the visitors, and as one inmate pulls the old french-kiss-pass-the-drugs trick, they hit the alarm. And an Officer Not a Gentleman flies across the room, grabs this dude, and just throws him to the ground. Like. A. Fucking. Rag. Doll. Too bad I can't find screencaps because that shit is hilarious.
And the DST?? It's like Shed called Central Casting and said, "give us the scariest looking mofos you got. The bigger, the badder, the butcher, the better."
With the violence and the blaring alarm, Spencer starts freaking out. He pleads with Monica to "make it stop," but of course Monica can't do anything. So he just starts howling in the middle of the room.
It takes Julie J to start applauding (and everyone else joining in) in order to calm him down. How Julie J knows this is beyond me. Just a trick from her hooker's...bag of many tricks, I suppose.
In the officer's lounge, Fenner says the inmates can't have association time since the DST has them all riled up. Sylvia's grateful, Jim's annoyed, and Lorna Rose wants to be DST.
Enter Helen: "Look everyone, I'm sorry you had to take the backlash out there. What happened in Visiting was a total nightmare."
Jim starts with, "well, that's the DST for you, Helen. Which is why, if you ask me..."
But she didn't. So she shuts him down. "Look, if you would give me half a chance, Jim..."
Helen decides that from now on, all letters to the DST have to go through her first. Lorna Rose is just plain confused: "Are we coming down hard on drugs or not?"
Jim: "What we're saying, Lorna, is that prisons aren't black or white places. Right, Helen?"
But Helen's even more confused than Lorna Rose: "I think we have to have a rethink about strategy. That's all I'm saying for now."
And they're not the only ones confused: I now hate Shell and agree with Fenner. What the fuck is going on??
Nighttime at Larkhall. They wheel a HUGE bin of drugs to Monica's cell (compliments of Helen), but she refuses them. Above her, Zan tosses in bed, getting down with the sickness...
Nightcalls:
Shell: "Oi, Wade! Did you have a good time with the squat squad?"
Nikki: "Yeah, fantastic! Well, I did with the good-looking one."
The Julies: "We love you, Monica! (no answer) Are you there, Monica?"
Zandra: "Well, she's not going nowhere, is she? Not for five years, anyway."
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