If manna's anything like heroin, that is.
Anonymous con takes the package, and passes it to a con who passes it to a con and so on and so on and so on. Until it reaches Zandra, who trades some earrings for it. And there must've been motherfuckin' diamonds in those earrings cuz that is one. fat. package.
Zandra bangs a shot and by the time Monica walks in...
Monica's worried that Zandra's going to kill herself. Zan's reply? "So? What's it to you?"
Cut to Helen's house. Helen, fresh from the shower, looks delectable. Sean, naked in bed, looks repulsive. Helen has the day off and wants to do something. So Sean pulls her on the bed.
Helen thanks him for “being there” and listening to her work woes. They start kissing. Oh Helen – and you’re not even drunk this time.
I want to look away, but stare at the screen instead, psychically willing her towel to fall.
G-Wing Library. Nikki's reading when Fenner comes in for Rachel.
Nikki (looks at Fenner): "Jesus. You get around, don’t you?"
Fenner (leans over Nikki): "Listen to me, you interfering dyke. Just keep that snout of yours where it belongs, or you’re gonna end up shagging the end of my boot, okay?"
Nikki: "You really know how to talk to a woman, don’t you Fenner?"
Jim has no comeback so he slinks out of the library. He goes to Rachel's cell where he starts mackin’ on her. But he kisses like...a chicken pecking at grain. Disturbing visual, I know. And it only gets worse when he pushes her to her knees.
Post-bj, Jim gives Rachel a kiss and she gives him a love letter. Jim immediately tears it up and flushes it. "I told you we had to be careful. What if someone had seen that, ey?"
I can’t even be annoyed with Rachel for being so stupid – after all, she’s only 12 years old. And I just know she dots her i’s with little hearts.
Nikki runs into Monica, who's worried about Spencer's upcoming visit after what happened last time. Nikki urges her to stay focused on her appeal - "don't let it slip like I did."
Shell comes bounding down the stairs:
Shell: "Going for something a bit more upmarket are you Wade?"
Nikki: "Get lost, Dockley."
Shell: "What's she got the other girls ain't? Mink instead of beaver?"
Hee!
Nikki grabs her. "Any more of that and I'll wipe that filthy gob of yours right across your face!"
My god, I would love to see that. Like a pay-per-view event: “ShockBrawl from Larkhall!” “Beatdown on Basic!” “Savagery in the Servery!”
Ok, sorry about that. Just a bit excited from the scene.
Fenner saves Shell's ass by threatening to put Nikki on report. As Shell walks away, Nikki says, "you wanna watch it, Mr. Fenner. One of these days, that one will bite it off."
More must-see TV! It could air right after "Psycho Shell D. vs Wild, Wild Wade!"
Ok, no more, I swear...
Zandra's making a call, but it's taking too long for Denny who's waiting on line. She hangs up on Zan's call, but just as their exchange gets heated, a screw pops over. Then:
Zandra: "Den, have you got any gear? I need something, Den, and I need something really bad."
Denny: "You're asking me?"
Zandra: "Please Den, I don’t feel so good."
Yes, prison makes for strange alliances. But what happened to the hefty package Zan just got hit off with?? She gives Denny her phone card for more drugs.
Zandra sees Helen and asks about getting married, but Helen insists she make an appointment.
Visiting time. After his no-show last epi, Zan's beau, Robin, finally arrives. A big ol' tongue swap yields no dope for Zandra though, which doesn't make her happy.
Cut to the garden. Nikki sees Rachel on the bench and sits down beside her.
Nikki: "All right, Rachel. Thought I’d warned you about Fenner."
Rachel: "Look, I don’t wanna talk about it."
Nikki: "Listen, the man’s a pig. He’s got a wife you know, and children."
But Rachel's not trying to hear it. Nikki finally gives up. "Shit, it's your life."
Visiting room. Zandra's going on about their wedding, but Robin looks less than thrilled. Turns out he was in rehab and has been clean for three weeks. Now it's Zandra's turn to look less than thrilled.
Zandra: "So that’s why you didn’t bring me no skag. That’s great, I’m really pleased for you Robin."
Robin: "Look, if I can do it then I know you can too."
But she thinks it's impossible as long as she's locked up. She's upset and goes back to the wing.
...where she crawls into bed. Monica asks if she's "been using that stuff again." Zan says 'no,' but Monica keeps pressing.
Zandra: "Robin's off the smack."
Monica: "Well, that's excellent news. Aren't you pleased?"
By way of reply, Zandra bursts into tears and rolls over.
Dominick comes in and tells Monica she's moving to Enhanced - "Miss Stewart's instructions." You'd think she'd be happy to get out of the dorm, but Monica's not impressed.
Lunch line. Rachel asks for lasagna and chips. But Shell, the Jenny Craig of Larkhall, gives her a teeny weeny piece.
Shell: "Don't wanna spoil yer figure, do ya?" (pronounced 'figga,' which is just hilarious):
But Jim's watching her back so Rachel's all emboldened: "I think I can manage a bit more, all the same."
And here comes Helen, strolling through the atrium just as Nikki turns away from the servery. And bumps right into her:
Nikki (yells): "Watch what you're..."
Helen: "Whoops."
Nikki (realizes it's Helen): "Sorry."
Helen: "No, my fault." (notices Nikki’s book) "Oh, you finished “Middlemarch."
Nikki: "Something you want, Miss?"
Helen: "No, I don’t think so."
Nikki: "Then if you don’t mind, I’m hungry."
I know you're still pissy with her, Nikki, but really? You'd rather eat that crappy food than talk to Helen??
But Fenner yells at Nikki to show some respect. He tells Helen that Nikki's a "right hard case."
Helen: "A hard case?"
Fenner: "Well, you know. Just difficult for difficult's sake."
Helen: "Jim, I don’t need a bodyguard. I can handle the prisoners myself, thank you.
Their little exchange catches Nikki's attention.
That's better, Nikki. Get with the program here, yeah?
And back in the dorm, Zandra's yuking her guts up. Apparently, it's been going on for days. Denny's so tired of it that she offers her free dope, but Zan refuses.
On the landing, the Julies are talking to Zandra who seems...perfectly fine now. That there's a record for all-time speedy heroin withdrawal.
The Julies are trying to talk Zandra out of a Larkhall wedding. She reminds them, "it was all your bloody idea in the first place."
Zandra goes to Helen's office for permission to get married, but Helen's not inclined to approve her request:
Zandra: "What, you’ve got no reason not to."
Helen: "I’ve got every reason I need, Zandra! Drugs. You use them in here - it’s common knowledge that you walked into G-Wing with a stash inside of you. It’s the biggest problem that we’ve got at Larkhall, and you’re part of it. So do you honestly think that I owe you any favors?"
Uh....how does Helen know Zan came in crutching drugs??
Zandra: "Maybe that’s right. But look, I haven’t touched the stuff in days, four bleeding days. Look at me, will ya?"
Oh, I am, Zandra. But you don't look half bad for someone who's dope sick.
And Fenner's on his way to....yep, Rachel's cell. She asks if he's been shagging anyone else inside. He denies it and wants to know where she'd get an idea like that. She says, "Nikki Wade. To listen to her talk, anyone would think you were famous for it."
Yes, if by "famous" you mean "widely loathed and reviled."
Fenner tells her to watch out for Nikki: "She’s got the hots for you. And she’s jealous of me." Rachel's just dumb enough to believe it.
Helen's office. Zandra says that Robin's clean and she wants to kick as well. Helen will send her to detox: "I’m offering you a chance to prove yourself, Zandra. Don’t let either of us down."
Cut to Zandra in group therapy in detox. Seems she spent her childhood in different foster homes and starting using smack at 15. She says she's getting clean so she can marry Robin.
The servery. Shell's jealous that Jim's looking after Rachel, but he assures her he's only looking after her. They look very cozy there in the doorway...
But get peeped by a lovely pair of green eyes:
Out in the yard, Monica tells Helen she's pursuing her appeal after talking to some of the women... and gives a long, meaningful glance at Nikki. Helen follows her gaze, and also gives a long, meaningful glance at Nikki.
Bodybag's herding new inmates thru the yard, and brings Crystal Gordon to the dorm, where Denny's hanging out.
Sylvia: "Right, I’ll leave to get to know each other. (to Crystal) Just be careful the way you look at her."
Crystal: "Anybody better be careful how they look at me or I'll take their eye out."
Sylvia (nods): "Fine. Just as long as you clean up the mess afterwards."
Hee.
Bodybag leaves and Denny grabs Crystal's guitar.
Crystal (grabs it back): "That’s for the Lord’s music."
Denny: "Shut up."
Crystal: "Touch it again and you better wanna meet Him real soon."
Feh! I hate you already, Crystal.
In walks Shell. She introduces herself and asks if Crystal has any gear.
Crystal: "No. I don’t use it and I don’t need it."
Shell: "The cells are pretty cramped and the nights can go on forever. You gotta have something to pass the time."
Crystal: "I got the Lord."
Denny (laughs): "Oh, shit."
Shell: "No, that’s good. The rest of us have to make do with each other."
With one eye on Crystal, Shell pulls Denny close:
Shell: "Enjoy that, did you, Crys-taaaal?"
Who cares?? I enjoyed it! Looks like Denny might have, too.
Crystal: "Will you two be so hot for each other when you’re burning in Hell? You should ask God to forgive you."
Well, I've already asked Him to take you off this show but you're still here, Crystal.
Helen's in her office with Jim. She nonchalantly asks, "you get on well with Michelle Dockley, don't you?"
Jim: "I like to think I get on with most of the girls here."
Helen says that his "relationship with the women is pretty relaxed."
Fenner: "Well I’ve been in the job some 14 years. I’ve found it’s the best way to work. Encourages trust, not resentment. If, of course, based on your experience, you’d prefer me to stiffen up, get heavier, say the word. You are the boss."
Helen: "That’s right. I am. I know you don’t like it, but it’s a fact of life."
Fucking A-right, Helen.
Jim gets snippy: "if the Home Office decides it wants University graduates with virtually no experience running its prisons, then that’s their lookout."
Helen: "I see."
Fenner (gets up to leave): "Well, if that’s all....Miss."
Why, you slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging bastard...
Nikki's in her cell reading when Helen walks by. And is inexplicably drawn inside.
Helen (seeing the book): "More George Elliot. It’s good to see the women using the library."
Nikki: "People in here aren’t stupid, you know. They’re a lot brighter than your screws, anyway."
Helen: "My officers are trained professionals."
Which she actually says with a straight face.
But Nikki smiles: "Well, if Fenner’s anything to go by, you’d be better off training chimpanzees."
Helen (smirks a bit): "He reckons you’re a tough nut. 'Difficult for difficult’s sake,' he says."
The mention of Fenner's name turns Nikki a bit sour.
Nikki: "Yeah, well, I’m not in his fan club, am I?"
Helen: "What’s that supposed to mean?"
Nikki: "You work it out for yourself."
Helen: "If Mr Fenner’s conduct is less than professional, you better tell me, Nikki."
Nikki: "Look, I’m nobody’s narc. Especially not yours."
Somewhat chastened, Helen leaves the cell.
The Julies are making Zan's wedding gown, but I don't care about the wedding anymore.
Helen's house. Sean and Helen are potting plants in the living room. Helen finds it relaxing and can see why the inmates work in the garden.
Helen: “You should come and give a lecture sometime.”
Sean: “What, shut up with all those sex-starved women?”
Helen: “They’re not all that sex-starved.”
Heh. And Helen realizes she's hit upon a brilliant idea: “Maybe that’s the way in.”
Helen: “There’s this woman on the wing - she’d be a great ally amongst the inmates if I could get her on my side. Trouble is, I’ve tried everything. She’s not interested. But she’s into gardening.”
Sean: “Let me guess. Nikki Wade? I know the prisoners are important to you Helen, but that one’s becoming an obsession. Anyway, didn’t you say she was a lesbian?”
Helen: “Yeah, she is.”
So, she wants to send Sean into Larkhall to get Nikki for her?? Oh, that's brilliant, Helen!
The next day, in Helen's office, she's doing Crystal's induction. Turns out it's not Crystal's first shoplifting offense - she's been charged twice before, but this is her first trip to the big house.
Crystal knows she did wrong, and cites the 8th Commandment. But says she only stole from the big shops, since "they can afford it".
Oh, right - I forgot about that clause in the 8th Commandment: "Thou Shall Not Steal ...Unless it's From Big Shops."
Thankfully, Helen's not buying any of this and she urges Crystal to make the most of her time there - maybe take some classes, learn new skills.
Crystal: "I know - how to break into cars, pick pockets, tart, how to mix drugs with sugar."
See? You do need classes, Crystal - everyone knows you don't cut drugs with sugar! Powdered milk or baking soda is much more effective. And easily accessible in prison.
Crystal continues: "How comes you got so many drugs in here? Is this a prison or ain’t it?"
And I'm not the only one annoyed with her now:
Helen: "We were talking about you."
Crystal: "I was right. This ain’t a prison, it’s a circus. And you and your guards are the clowns."
And that effectively ends Crystal's induction.
In the dorm that night, Zandra's going on about her wedding. Which Crystal sees, natch, as "a corruption of God's law."
Crystal: "We're in here cuz we done wrong. And what do we get? Karaoke, TV, cookery, drugs, and weddings. That ain’t what I call punishment. No wonder people come back for more."
Denny: "Jesus, sister! You’re the first one I ever met who wanted to be here and wanted it worse."
Oh Denny, I don't like bullies but right now I'm begging you - tap your inner thug and Kick. Her. Ass.
Up on G-3, Monica shows Helen an item in the paper. Whatever it is, it's not good news.
Nikki and Monica are talking on the stairs when Shell and Denny walk past.
Shell: "What do you think it is with Wade and her hooray, Denny? She’s not exactly a looker, is she?"
Nikki: "You’re all worked up about my love life, Dockley, seems to me you’d be better off keeping an eye on your own."
Shell: "Oh yeah?"
Nikki: "From what I’ve seen, your friend Fenner’s trading you in for a younger model."
Shell: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Nikki: "R. For Rachel."
Shell: "Bullshit!" She stomps off.
Helen calls Zandra to the office and shows her the newspaper. Apparently, Robin's engaged to someone else. Zandra starts crying, and Helen offers to call Robin to see if he'll come talk to her.
On the wing, Denny tells Rachel that Jim wants to see her. As Rachel applies lipstick for her afternoon hummer, Shell strolls in. And accuses Rachel of having an affair with Jim.
She shoves Rachel against the wall. "Don’t piss me about. I know what’s goin’ on."
Rachel: "Look, what is it you want? ‘Ere," (takes off her bracelet and gives it to Shell), "take this. I can get more if you’ll keep quiet about it."
Shell takes the bracelet and puts it on. "Thanks very much."
Then she punches Rachel and knees her in the stomach. When Rachel falls to the ground, Shell smears her lipstick across her face:
Shell: "Listen to me, you bitch. You’re gonna be lookin’ over your shoulder every day goes by in 'ere. And you know what? I’m gonna be right there behind ya. And one day, I’m gonna have a blade in me hand to cut that cocksuckin’ mouth right out your face."
Yo, that's some harsh shit right there. But Rachel, it's not like you weren't warned...
Shell walks out and runs into Fenner, who asks what she's up to.
Shell: "Girl talk. Don't worry, everything you're interested in still's in working order."
Fenner helps Rachel up, then goes to Shell's cell.
Jim: "You mad, psycho bitch! What do you think you're doing?"
Shell: "You're screwin' her!"
Jim denies it. "What would I want with a kid like her, when I’ve got a woman like you, ey?"
But Shell wants "proof," which apparently is in Jim's pants. Ewww... haven't we had enough of his dick in this episode??
Mealtime. Rachel's waiting on line for food when she collapses. As Dominick escorts her to medical, Shell calls after her, "don't worry, Rachel. I'll come visit ya!"
Be afraid, Rachel. Be very, very afraid.
Helen's Office. Zandra confronts Robin about his engagement.
Robin: "Listen, Zandra. You’ve got to understand the position I was in. My mother’s really unwell. I’ve known Chloe for years, our families are old friends."
He admits they're getting married. So Zandra stabs him in the face with a pen. No, really. Oh, if ever I wanted a screencap...
Nighttime in the dorm. Zandra's crying in bed.
Denny "See, that's why I won't have nothin' to do with men. They're shit."
Oh, so not because you like pussy, Denny??
Crystal comforts Zandra:
Crystal: "It'll be alright. Just forget him."
Zandra (crying): "I can't."
Crystal: "Course you can."
Zandra: "No, not ever. I'm having his baby."
Nightcalls:
Some con: "Forget him Zandra! It’s his loss, not yours, love!"
Another con: "Who needs men when you can have IVF?"
Shell: "Denny! Hear about little Hicksy? Had an accident and she’s in hospital. I’m really lookin’ forward to when she comes out."
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