Pay Back Time, S1.9

It's morning at the Stewart household. Helen throws out an empty bottle of Stoli, and drops some alka seltzer in a glass.

Aw, Helen - what’s worse than waking up hungover? Waking up hungover to a whinger like Sean. Blech....


Sean: "Takes the body 36 hours."
Helen: "To do what?"
Sean: "Get rid of the alcohol from a glass of wine."
Helen: "How long does it take to get rid of the shit from a day in my job?"

How long does it take to get rid of an annoying heterosexual appendage??

Sean natters on about their wedding.  Not only is Helen not interested, I’ve never seen anyone LESS interested in getting married.  She practically recoils when he tries to kiss her.  Oddly, he doesn’t sense her apathy, even tho it’s coming off my tv in waves.

Over in Larkhall, Denny brings the Julies an apple, on the heels of last week's wine making event.

They laugh about the wine, but Crystal doesn't see the humor.

Crystal:  "There’s enough drugs in 'ere already."
Denny: "You was drinking it and all, bitch."
Crystal: "It was a wake, I was doin’ it out of respect."
Julie S: "Oh, take the cork out your arse will you, Crystal?"

Or just put something IN her ass, Julie - like your foot?

Crystal: "If the papers knew what went on in ‘ere, there’d be a scandal."
Shell (nearby, calls out): "Yeah, I bloody well agree!"

The girls mock Crystal until she stomps away.  And a very pregnant Zandra makes her way over to Shell.


Zan says Lorna's back from holiday and "she better have something for us." But Shell says they should leave her alone now.

Screw's Lounge. Helen says Monica's been on bed watch since Spencer's death. She wants the screws to keep an eye on her, "get her talking, try and make her feel as if she’s got something to live for."


Sounds like a pretty tall order, if you ask me..

On the wing, Jim goes to Shell's cell.

Fenner: "You have me nervous when you’re quiet. What’s going on?"
Shell: "I’m thinking of changing me ways, if you wanna know."
Fenner: "Oh yeah?"
Shell: "Stay off the sweeties, be nice to people. Might even start goin’ to chapel."


Fenner: "Don’t overdo it, eh? They’re not stupid."
Shell: "I’m serious Jim. I’ve seen a lot of girls find comfort in religion."
Fenner: "The nearest to religion you’ll get’s the missionary position."


Hee. Not today, though. Shell rebuffs his advances, but Jim's still not buying it.

Fenner: "What are you up to?"
Shell: "I told ya. I wanna change. I'm not your old Shell anymore."


Oh, say it ain't so, Shell! I like you just the way you are!

Zandra finally tracks down Lorna Rose and asks about her holiday.  And then she asks if Lorna "brought them anything back."

Lorna Rose: "Like what?"
Zandra: "Like a stick of Blackpool twatting rock. What do you think I mean?"


But Lorna Rose says she can't get anymore pills.  Just then, Shell comes along.

Shell: "Why don’t you take a walk, Zandra?"
Zandra: "You don’t run this prison, you know."
Shell: "Before I start gettin’ angry. I mean it, girl. Now go on, piss off!"
Zandra: "You’re gonna get it one day, you twat."


Shell tells Lorna that she's found Jesus now (her threat to Zandra notwithstanding). Lorna Rose looks skeptical.

Shell: "You think I’m bullshittin’, don’t ya? Christ, what is it about this place? Can’t anyone change? I’m serious Miss, you watch."

The Library. Helen walks in looking for Monica, but finds Nikki there instead.

Helen: "Hi."
Nikki: "You look a bit pasty Helen, heavy night?"
Helen: "I’m looking for Monica."
Nikki: "I’ve not seen her all day. What’s wrong? Is it ‘cause I called you Helen? I thought you didn’t want us to be formal?"

Helen: "No, I don’t."
Nikki: "So what’s the problem? You wanna be informal, but you don’t wanna be called Helen? You can't have it both ways."
Helen: "This is difficult for me, as I think you know."
Nikki (getting all up in Helen's space): "So what do you want?"



Nikki: "Sorry, am I making you feel uncomfortable?"
Helen: "Look, if you see Monica, tell her that I’m looking for her."

And she leaves.

Nikki, Nikki, Nikki. What is the matter with you? I know you're all upset about the gorgeous Guv, but really... That is SO not the way to woo a woman.

There are a bunch of Nikki/Helen scenes where their dialog sounds... stilted or awkward, but this one takes the cake. I have no idea what's going on here. I mean, the subtext is more obvious, but the text itself?  Not so much.   

In the dorm, Zandra fans herself from the heat. She tries unsuccessfully to open the window. "Come on, you twatting twat! I said come on!"


Hee! "Twatting twat" is the funniest thing to come out of Zandra’s mouth thus far. How clever to use it as an adjective, Zan!  Who says drugs rot your brain?

Anyway, Zan's mad stressed that Shell stopped dealing.  Where's she supposed to get her dope from now?

And there’s a xerox of someone’s ass taped to the wall behind Zandra:


Nope, not important - just felt like pointing it out.

In the laundry room, Shell cons Crystal into believing she's done with drugs and bemoans their availibility in Larkhall.

Shell: "It’d help if you couldn’t get hold of ‘em so easy. They’re all over the place in here."
Crystal: "This is what I keep saying, but nobody listens though, innit?"
Shell: "If only it could get in the papers, they’d have to do something about it then."

So Shell convinces Crystal to write a letter to the papers.

Monica's on the phone, saying she "doesn't wish to continue." She doesn't care how far down the road they are.

Enter Helen, who overheard the call and guesses Monica wants to drop her appeal.


Helen tries to dissuade her but Monica sees no point in appealing. "There's nothing for me out there anymore."

In the dorm, Denny finds Crystal writing a letter. Shell reads it and offers a suggestion: it's more likely to cause a stir if Crystal mentions G-Wing and Helen's name.

Denny:  "Is this going to the papers?"
Shell:  "Keep your mouth shut, alright?"
Denny:  "Yeah, I swear.  Wicked!  So what's it about then?"
Shell (with a straight face):  "We've got to get rid of these drugs that are screwing up people's lives, 'aven't we?"

Denny:  "What, so like, we stop taking 'em?"
Shell:  "Well look what it's done to your bloody brain!"

Denny walks out but Crystal is clearly impressed. 

Crystal: "You got a lotta power round ‘ere, sister."
Shell: "Yeah, well, I try and use it for good."

Haa!!

And since one good turn deserves another, Crystal gives Shell a bible, saying, "you're gonna need the help of the Lord."

The look on Shell's face says it all!

The garden.  Helen approaches Nikki while she works.

Helen: "Nikki, can I have a word?"
Nikki: "You again?"
Helen: "Look, I need to ask a favor. It’s about Monica, now I know that I shouldn’t be telling you this but I’ve run out of ideas. She’s refusing to go through with her appeal."
Nikki: "What?"


Helen: "Well, she said that she doesn’t care anymore now that Spencer’s dead."
Nikki: "Have you talked to her?"
Helen: "Me, the solicitor, a couple of officers. She just doesn’t want to know."
Nikki: "And you want me to have a go?"
Helen: "Could you? I know that she respects you."
Nikki: "I’ll try."
Helen: "Thanks. And I haven’t said anything, okay?"
Nikki: "Sure, Helen. It’s okay."


Oh, I'm betting it's more than "okay!" Especially since Helen rests her hand on Nikki's arm for a long, long time (6 seconds, to be precise).

In Monica's cell, a nurse gives her her meds. Monica pretends to swallow them, but when the nurse is gone, she spits them out and hides them in the bottom of the toothpaste tube. Wow, you've really gotten the hang of this whole prison thing, haven't you, Mon? You even know the best stash spots!

In the chapel.  Crystal leads a prayer service with....Shell, Denny, and Dawn in attendance!

Crystal:  "Lord, we are sorry for all our sins and wickedness.  Help us turn away from evil and choose the good.  Blah blah blah....redemption, forgiveness, salvation....In the name of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, amen."

After a moment, the three stooges, Shell, Denny, and Dawn reply "amen."

Monica's counting her pills (again!) when Nikki stops in. She hides the pills in the sink and admits she's halted the appeal. Nikki tries to talk her out of it, but Mon ain't hearing it.


Until Nikki asks for a drink of water. Ya know, from the sink. Where the pills are. So Monica "changes her mind." She tells Nikki she'll rethink it all. Nikki gives her a hug and leaves.

On the wing.  At the pool table, the women wonder about Shell's conversion.

Julie S:  "Shell in the God Squad?"

Zandra:  "That's bollocks.  She's up to something."
Julie S: "I don't suppose you've found salvation as well, 'ave you Denny?"
Denny:  "I don't do everything Shell tells me, alright?"
Zandra (to the Julies):  "If Shell asks her to live in a barrel of shit she'd do it!"

The women laugh, Denny gets mad, and grabs a pool stick.  And shoves a very pregnant Zandra down on the pool table.

I guess it's safe to say that Denny *hasn't* found salvation!

In the screws lounge, they're also discussing Shell's conversion. 

Dominick:  "Ya heard about Shell's latest stunt?  Reckon she's found religion."
Fenner:  "Who's to say she hasn't?"
Dominick:  "Shell Dockley?  Come off it. She wants to get back on Enhanced.  It's just a con."

Even Dominick can see through Shell's scam!  But Fenner says Dom should encourage her, and he echoes Shell's earlier line: "Religion's done a lot for women in here.  Don't knock it."

Especially the missionary position, right Jim??

Cut to Nikki on the phone. 

...and cut to Helen's house. She's sitting on the couch drinking and looking incredibly somber (course that could just be because Sean's hanging all over her).

The phone rings.

Sean: "Hello?"
Nikki: "Is Helen there?"
Sean: "Hang on." (hands phone to Helen) "It's for you, some woman."
Helen (taking phone): "Hello?"

Nikki hangs up.

Helen's house - the next morning. She's leaving for work. "See you," she tells Sean.  Like how you'd say good-bye to a roommate. Or, your cat.

But Sean wants to talk about the guest list for their wedding. Are they inviting so-and-so? Sean thinks they have to.

Helen: "So what are you asking me for then?"
Sean: "Well, ‘cause bizarrely enough, you’ll be there that day and you might want to have a say in the matter."

Hahaha! Have I said I've never seen anyone less interested in getting married than Helen??

I have to give Sean credit, though.  He says Helen should tell him if she doesn't want to go through with it. 

Helen says again that she wants to get married. "I've just got a lot on my mind at the moment."

Screws Lounge.  Fenner reads Crystal's letter from the paper:

"Drugs are available on G-Wing like it was Piccadilly Circus and the temptation is too much. Even if you don’t touch the stuff, you get no reward. You still get strip searches and the rest, like the junkies. Governor Helen Stewart doesn’t seem able to do much about it."

Sylvia thinks they should have "closed visits." Her solution for controlling the inmates? "Keep them in their kennels all day, that’s what I say."

Out in the yard, Helen arrives at work. And Nikki runs up to her, presumably just to lay hands on the lovely Miss Stewart.


Nikki: "Can I have a word, Helen?"
Helen: "Oh, not now, Nikki. I’m sorry, but I’m late as it is."

And...she's gone. Nikki looks forlorn.

Helen walks into the Screws Lounge as they're still talking about the letter. Jim gives her the paper, but she barely has a chance to read it before she's summoned to Simon's office.

Nikki's reading Crystal's letter in the paper when Shell comes along to wind her up.


Shell: "In deep shit, your Miss Stewart."
Nikki: "Piss off, Dockley."

The Julies and Zandra have what all to say to Crystal about her letter. Crystal lies and says the letter was all her idea.

Julie S: "So only you to blame?"
Crystal: "For what?"
Julie S: "For when they put us on closed visits, you slack divvy!"
Julie J: "Yeah, you slack divvy!"
Zandra: " And no gear coming in!"


"Slack divvy!" I really must start a glossary of fab Brit slang.

Crystal storms off. Again. Shell and Denny just laugh. I laugh too when I see the sign behind Denny:


"Be a Victim," indeed.

In Simple Simon's office, Helen gets a dressing down from the pompous sack of shit himself.

Helen: "Well, if it sparks a debate about drugs in prison, perhaps it’s been for the good."

But Simon's worried that "this is a PR disaster for Larkhall." He asks if Crystal complained to Helen.


Helen admits she spoke to Crystal, but "what do you want me to do? Order closed visits and risk having a riot on our hands?"


Simon tells her to talk to Crystal again.

So Helen goes up to G3 looking for...

"Nikki."


Nikki: "Is it ok to talk now?"
Helen: "No worse than any other time."
Nikki: "I’m sorry about the letter."
Helen: "Doing the rounds is it? Well, only to be expected."
Nikki: "I phoned you last night."
Helen: "I thought it might be you. How did you get my number?"
Nikki: "Directory Inquiries. Out of order I know, I’m sorry. I just...wanted to tell you the good news."
Helen: "What good news?"
Nikki: "I think I’ve got Monica to reconsider."


Helen: "Oh, thank God something’s gone right today. Well done!"


Nikki: "I thought it’d cheer you up. And don’t worry about the letter."
Helen: "No?"
Nikki: "Hey, you’ve got lots of other things to look forward to. Like a wedding to plan."


But that just takes the smile right off Helen's face.

Helen: "That’s right. Anyway, well done about Monica. I’ll see you, Nikki."
Nikki: "See you, Helen."

Helen's office. She's bitching at Crystal for the letter.

Helen: "I told you, if you had any evidence at all..."
Crystal: "But you never do nothin'."


Helen: "Look, the way around this is for us to help one another. Not go behind each other’s back, like you did with this letter."
Crystal: "There’s no law against writing letters."

Helen tells her that all her letter's done is turn up the heat in Larkhall.

Crystal: "Then that's good."
Helen: "Well it’s not gonna solve anything. Life will get harder for a couple of days ‘til it blows over, then it’ll just go back to normal."

Hmm...whatever happened to "if it sparks debate in prison, it's good," Helen?

Out in the yard, Shell tracks down Lorna Rose to tell her she's off drugs. And to apologize.

Shell: "I’m just sorry I got heavy with ya them few times."
Lorna: "It’s all in the past now."
Shell: "So we can forget it ever happened?"


Apparently so, since Shell persuades her to smuggle in perfume.

Lorna Rose, why are you so gullible?? Seriously, if I were locked up with the likes of you and Crystal, I'd be living LARGE.

Monica's cell. She's playing with those damn pills again when Helen comes in. Monica says Nikki "talked some sense into her." Helen says she understands why Monica's depressed.

Helen: "When it’s uphill all the time, there doesn’t seem much point."
Monica: "You’ve been there?"
Helen: "Oh, I'm there right now." "No, but I’ve been in the prison service for two years. I’ve seen some women go through hell. Sometimes you’ve just got to get a grip of yourself."

Helen says Monica's appeal is "downhill all the way."

Lorna Rose's house. The mailman brings her a package. It's the perfume for Shell. Lorna Rose opens the package and sniffs it out.

Shell and Crystal are talking. Well, Crystal's talking, Shell's just playin' her. She says it's SO hard staying clean when officers are bringing in drugs. Crystal takes the bait and insists Shell tell Helen...

...who's understandably skeptical.


Shell: "I know you’re suspicious Miss, and I don’t blame you. But I wanna make up for what I done, all the mess I caused, dealin’ in drugs and everythin’. I was well out of order. And I’ve found God now. (Helen barely contains a smirk). I have."

Crystal: "It’s only God can bring people off drugs for good. And if you don’t mind my sayin’, it’s only God can sort the mess you got yourself into."


I'll bet Nikki can help Helen sort it! Also, Helen didn't get herself into this mess, Crystal - YOU did.

Finally, Crystal spits it out: "Miss Rose! It’s Lorna Rose who’s been doin’ it."

Helen: "And you can prove it?"
Shell: "Yeah."
Helen: "You better."

Helen's got Shell's cell under surveillance. And by "surveillance" I mean, she's watching from the landing.


It doesn't take long for Lorna Rose to go in and give Shell the perfume. And even less time for Helen to show up.

Helen: "I think I better take that, don't you?"


Shell just smiles at Lorna.

Jim, Helen, and Lorna Rose watch as a very scary screw searches the perfume bottle.

This scene is just priceless: scary screw finds a bag of white powder. And even tho she's got a CSI-like attaché case filled with tools/techno crap, how does she test the drug? Why, she tastes it! No fancy drug testing equipment for these folks - they’re strictly old school at Larkhall.


Lorna Rose - well and truly stitched up by Shell.

Next morning in the Screws Lounge, they're all talking about Lorna when Simon comes in. He wants to know what's going on. Jim says they don't know yet - there are "a lot of rumors flying around."

Fenner: "The wing’s having problems generally at the moment, Sir. I haven’t seen anything like it before."
Sylvia (chimes in): "No, nor me. And I’ve been in the service twelve years."
Simon: "Does anyone here know where Miss Stewart is?"

Cut to the wing. Where the women are watching the fallout from the Lorna Rose affair.

Denny: "I think you done brilliant, Shell."
Zandra: "Yeah, cutting a supplier off just like that. Amazing."
Crystal: "Yeah, that’s why she did it, innit?"


Julie S: "She could have picked on somebody else though, couldn’t she? Like Hollamby."
Julie J: "Hollamby, yeah. Miss Rose weren’t that bad, really."
Shell: "She was a screw, weren’t she? If I turned her into one of us, that can only be good."


Simon finds Helen and snipes at her for the Lorna Rose incident. And tells her he's ordered closed visits.

Helen's at home with what's-his-face. She looks miserable so he tells her "there's one bit of good news. We got the date that we want at the Registry Office."

Funny enough, that doesn't cheer Helen up!  She's got other things on her mind.

Helen:  "I don't think I can take another day in that place."

Sean: "Well, you can't give up now."

Helen:  "No?"
Sean:  "What and let Jim Fenner get your job?  You hang in there."

Ok, seriously, Sean??  That's the best you can do?

Back on G-Wing. Dominick puts up a poster announcing closed visits. The women, understandably, are upset. Zandra warns Dom,"you’re gonna have a riot on your hands if you’re not careful."

Nikki says it was Simon's decision, not Miss Stewart's. And, "if anyone’s to blame, it’s Dockley, for setting up Lorna Rose. That’s what’s done this."

Shell: "That’s bollocks."


Nikki: "Is it? I’d say it’s spot on, myself."

The 2 Julies and Zandra glare at Shell.

G2 landing. Fenner asks Helen if she'll be putting Shell back on Enhanced. She scoffs, "after what, setting up one of your fellow officers? I don’t think so."

So Jim goes to Shell's cell. She's mad when he tells her she'll be staying on Basic. Fenner says it's her own fault for setting up an officer:  "You’re gonna have to be bloody smart to get out of this one."

And Sylvia brings a new inmate onto the wing.  Who walks into the prison like she was walking onto a yacht (apologies to Carly Simon).


Sylvia's read about her in the papers. "You might be famous on the outside, but you won’t be in here."

New inmate: "Wanna bet?"

She strolls over to the women. "Are these my new neighbors?"


Shell: "Any objection?"
Yvonne: "None at all, sweetheart. The name's Yvonne. Hope you like a good party, girls." (walks away)
Zandra: "Who's that?"
Nikki: "That's Yvonne Atkins."
Julie S: "It's Charlie Atkins wife, innit?"
Nikki: "Someone tried to muscle in on him, she got a hitman to bump him off, the hitman grassed."
Denny: "What she get?"
Nikki: "4 years."
Denny (watches Yvonne walk away): "She can bump me off any day."


Heh. Denny, I laughed at that, even if Shell didn’t.

Yvonne - Best Entrance By an Inmate EVER.

Nikki's cell.  Helen comes in to find Nikki reading on her bed. When she sees the look on Helen's face, Nikki says, "don't let the buggers get you down."

With that, Helen closes the door and practically sits in Nikki’s lap.


Helen: "What are you reading?"
Nikki: “Little Dorrit.” It's a story about a terrible prison."
Helen: "Thank goodness we got rid of all of those."
Nikki: "You're doing your bit, Helen. Most of the girls in here know that, deep down."
Helen (near tears): "Yeah, but for how much longer?"
Nikki: "Hey, come here" (puts her arm around Helen).
Helen: "I'm just getting it from all sides Nikki, you know? From above and below. It just would be so much easier just to give in."
Nikki: "You mustn't think like that."
Helen: "No?"


Yes! Give in, dammit!!

And so she does....



They share their first kiss and Helen’s little moans reverberate in the cell. So. Very. Hot. Her Majesty’s Pleasure, indeed.

But after a minute, Helen pulls away.

Nikki: "Sorry! I shouldn't have done that!"
Helen (tears in her eyes): "No, you shouldn't!"

Helen walks out, dramatic music swelling in the background. Still swooning, she puts her fingers to her burning lips.


That's right, Helen, you’ve just been branded: Property of Nikki Wade®.