Them & Us, S1.1

The show opens with a thumping “Staying Alive” club cover.  One by one, a group of women come out and strut their stuff.

Oh, I'm hooked already! 

But while they shake their money makers, a woman somewhere cries out for help. 

Before you can say 'what the fu…?' the lights come up, the music stops, and a man yells, “ok girls, that’s it!  Time’s up!”

Oh right. We're in prison.

The women shout and protest - they want to finish rehearsing for the fashion show.  But the screw insists.  “Come on, don't get stroppy! Hang up your stuff and get back for lockup."

Meet Jim Fenner.  Principal Officer on G-Wing and all-around sleazebag.

On G2 heading back to their cells, Denny of the pink painted face says, “oi, Rachel.  Got a message for you from Shell.”

Rachel:  “What?”

Denny:  “She says she hopes you haven’t forgotten what you promised her.  She’d hate to have to remind you.”

On the wing below, a young screw named Dominick herds the two Julies into their cell, but not before making him squirm and blush a bit. 

While in Rachel’s cell…

Fenner:  “Did you enjoy yourself tonight, Rachel?”

Rachel:  “Alright.”

Fenner: “Only alright?”

Turns out Rachel misses her baby girl.  Denny wisecracks about it until Fenner tells her to shut it.

Out on the wing, another screw is yelling. “Right… now straight to your own rooms and no nonsense!  Some of us have got homes to get to!"

That would be Sylvia Hollamby - very sour, very lazy, and very disagreeable.

Just then, someone else comes up the stairs, resplendent in her red blouse.

Why, it's Nikki Wade, reluctant top dog of G-Wing.

Sylvia:  “Hold on, just a minute.  What are you doing here?”
Nikki: “Just going to check on Carol.  Didn’t see her this evening.”

Sylvia:  “You didn’t see her because she didn’t want to be seen.”

But Carol calls out from her cell:

Carol:  “Nikki!”

Nikki:  “Carol!”

Sylvia:  “Lorna!”

…who’s another screw.  Sylvia tells her to bring Nikki to her cell. 

Nikki:  “But I only want to see her.”

Sylvia: "So you’ll see her in the morning.  Now move. Or I'm putting you on report."

Nikki: "You'd gas us in our cells if they told you to, wouldn't you?"

Yes.  Yes, she would, Nikki. And then she'd strip your bodies of any jewelry and valuables (after her tea, of course).

Nikki passes another inmate on the stairs. Wait...is that? Yep, it's the hottie from the fashion show. Except she's blonde (well, sort of). Her name's Shell Dockley. And she's a semi-psychotic sociopath.

Shell: "Missed your goodnight kiss, did you? What a shame."

Ah, so you're a lesbian, Nikki - I knew there was something I liked about you!

Carol bangs on her cell door.  “Nikki!”

Sylvia peers thru the peephole.

Carol:  “I wanna see the doctor.”
Sylvia:   “What?”
Carol:    “I’m bleeding.”
Sylvia:   “Here we go…”
Carol:    “No, I’m not right, Miss. I know I’m not.”
Sylvia:   “Like you knew last time you had us fetching him out here?”
Carol:    “Honest miss, I’m telling ya.”

But Sylvia tells Carol to “stop dramatizing.”  If she needs the doctor, she can see him in the morning.

Lorna:  “Is she alright?”

Sylvia:  “Ignore her.  She’s just making herself special.”

They walk down the stairs and Sylvia says that her "Bobby's doing his braised meatballs tonight." She's been "salivering all day."

Eww….coming out of her gob, “salivering” is about the nastiest thing I’ve ever heard.  

While Sylvia salivers, Carol cries and bleeds.

Next day. New wing governor Helen Stewart drives to work, applying mascara at a traffic light.  Nice – I like a woman who can multitask!

G-Wing morning unlock.  Dominick opens Carol's cell to find her unconscious in her own blood.

Dominick (to Sylvia):  “We need a doctor!”

Sylvia:  “What?”

She checks Carol’s cell and tells Dom to lock the women up again. Sylvia radios for help and tries not to panic.

Wing Governor's office.  Helen's at her desk when Jim comes in with a "knock knock - morning, mum!"

Gah, I know that's a British thing - 'mum' - but I hate it. So does Helen and she tells him, "please, Jim. I'm not the bloody queen."

Oh, but you look like royalty, Helen!

They make small talk about last night’s rehearsal.  Fenner says, “the girls are loving it – bit of glamour, does them good.”

But he’s really there to talk about Rachel Hicks. She's a YO (youthful offender) in on a drug charge - "she's got victim written all over her." He wants to give her a coveted Red Band job cleaning the officer’s lounge.

Helen:  “You think she’s that stable?”

Fenner:  “I think she’d be an ordinary kid on her way to college given half a chance.”

Helen:  “So might most of the women out there.”

She agrees and asks Fenner to keep her posted.

Up on the 3s, Carol’s taken out on a stretcher. Sylvia frantically tells Dominick:  “Go and get me two cleaners. From the kitchen.  Quick!”

Dominick:  “Aren’t we gonna let the others out first?”

Sylvia:  “Look, why do you think I’ve got these pips on my shoulders?  To be cheeked by you?”

Dom rushes downstairs… 

….and past the servery where Rachel asks for eggs and sausage.

Shell: "You spoke to your friends yet? About what I asked ya?" 

But Rachel says she can't. So there'll be no breakfast for her - just a dollop of gruel.

Next in the queue is Denny.

Shell:  “Double for you, Den?”

Denny:  “Ta, Shell.”

Shell (nods at Rachel): “If she wants her serving, she’ll ‘ave to earn it. (to Denny) You want some real butter?”

Dominick rushes the two Julies up to the 3s where there’s crazy commotion.  The women yell about being banged up again as Sylvia takes the Julies to Carol’s cell.

Sylvia:  “Right you two, get in there!”

Julie J: “Oh my god almighty!”

Sylvia:  “Never mind comments!”

Julie S:  “Where’s Carol?”

Sylvia:  “Just get in there and clean it up!”

And she tries to shove them into the cell.  Seriously – she tries to shove them in the cell!

On the stairs below, Nikki calls up, “oi, Julies! What’s going on?”

Julie S:  “Nikki, something’s happened to Carol!”

Julie J:  “It’s horrible!”

Sylvia finally gets them in the cell, but not before they yell out that there’s blood all over.

Cut to Helen's office.  And Sylvia sniffling, “I’m sorry, mum.  I’ve had a lot of strain on me.  All these back to backs.”

Helen:  “Sylvia, a woman miscarried and nearly bled to death in her cell last night.  Now thanks to you involving the cleaners, most of G-wing will have heard the worst of it now. So I need to know from you exactly how it happened.”

Sylvia:  “Well, it must’ve just happened out of the blue, mum. I mean I’m shocked, cuz there wasn’t anything wrong with her at lock up.”
Helen (skeptical):  “Really.”

Sylvia:  “There wasn’t!  Well apart from, she said she was tired but nothing else or I’d have told night patrol wouldn’t I?”

Helen:  “Even though she asked to see the MO?”

Sylvia:  “Well, if every time they asked you that….especially her.  She’s always on the bells.”

Jim says that Carol has a reputation for “time wasting.”  And Sylvia says they'd all want "special treatment."

Helen:  “I’ve just come back from talking to Carol in hospital.  She insists she told you she was bleeding.”

Sylvia:  “No, she never!  Bleeding? She didn’t tell me that. She just said she wanted to see the doctor!”

Jim asks if Carol told night patrol she was bleeding. Helen says they checked on her, but got no response and assumed she was asleep.

Helen (yelling):  “Whereas now we can assume that she was barely conscious at that point!  Had Senior Officer Hollamby taken the trouble…!”

Jim:  “…but if she didn’t think there was any reason to…”

Sylvia:  “…well, I didn’t, mum.  I just thought she was doing her usual.”

Helen:  “So this is her own fault, is it?”

Helen (yells):  “WELL??!”

Jim:  “Helen, it's just a tragic set of circumstances."

Helen insists on calling a wing meeting so she can talk to the inmates. Fenner wants to wait until "feelings die down."

But Helen shant be dissuaded: "I think we should be seen to care right now."

Outside the wing. Sylvia complains that she doesn’t even have time now for a cup of tea. And that Helen could come across a bit “less of a po face.”

(yes, because nothing says "lighten up!" like having a prisoner miscarry and bleed out in her cell).

Fenner:  “What do you expect?  Typical graduate type trying to prove herself, innit she?”

Sylvia:  “Well, I’d just like to know whose side she thinks she’s on.  Cuz sounds like a bit too much of the prisoners’ friend. if you ask me.”

And speaking of “the prisoners’ friend,” Fenner finds his friend Rachel cleaning the screws lounge.  He starts chatting her up and she tells him her tale of woe: baby girl, dead baby daddy, 30 months in prison....

Jim: "Any problems, you come to me. Cuz from now on, I'm gonna keep a very special eye on you. And that's a promise."

Gah… I'd tell you to run, Rachel, but there's nowhere to go.

Back in Helen's office, her phone rings. We find out she has a boyfriend. An annoying, whinging boyfriend. Who’s calling because he needs a pencil sharpener (a pencil sharpener)?!

But Helen hasn’t time for him now - she has “a mini-crisis” on her hands and G-Wing needs her!

Servery. Fenner sends the women off to the wing meeting.  And tells Shell, “Come to the office after supper, okay?”  

G2 Landing.  The Julies tell Nikki how bad they feel about Carol.

Julie S:  “We never heard her yell out, did we?”

Julie J:  “No, but we did hear her tell Bodybag she wanted to see the doctor.”
Julie S:  “Hollamby must’ve seen how weak she was.”

Julie J (echoes):  “Must’ve.”

Nikki:  “Listen, if that shit parcel isn’t nicked for this, I’m gonna take it to the top.  Cuz they are not sitting on this one, no way.”

The Julies say the kitchen workers are ready to go out on strike if they have to.

Finally Helen makes her way to the wing where the inmates are waiting. 

Helen: "Thank you. Now, I'm sure you all know that last night, Carol Byatt suffered a miscarriage in her room which was not discovered until first unlock…”

(yelling goes up all around)

“Now, I know you must all be feeling very upset about this. I can assure you that I am too, and so are my officers!”

(more yelling from the inmates)

“I personally went to see Carol in hospital this morning, and I'm glad to say that she'll soon be well enough to back here with us. I also spoke to her about what happened, and I promised her that I would conduct a thorough investigation into why and how she was left unattended.”

(yep, they’re still yelling)

“I have since interviewed all the officers concerned (pauses, looks at Fenner), but I have to conclude that what happened here was a tragic set of circumstances!"

Now G-Wing explodes.

Nikki (shouts): "A what?! She nearly bled to death! You should all be sacked!"

Helen: "I'm sorry, but as far as I can conclude, there are no grounds for disciplinary action!"

That brings Nikki running down the stairs.

Helen:  “I promise you I’m going to make changes to procedure so that no more accidents like this can ever happen here again!”

Nikki: "What do you mean, accidents?"

The Julies: "She was calling for a doctor! We heard her!"
Nikki (points at Sylvia): "And so did that cow there! So how come she didn't lift a finger?"

Helen tries to quiet everyone but Nikki's not done.

Nikki: "Well what she's telling us is, we're none of us safe in here, isn't she? Cos even if we're bleeding to death, we don't get believed! Well I'm telling her from us - you lot can't run this prison unless we help you.”

“And if we don't get respect from your screws, then don't think we're gonna make you look good in front of your VIP visitors, 'cause we're not. So you can shove your stupid fashion show up your arse."

The inmates applaud and roar in approval. Helen just glowers. 

Helen: "Fine. Consider it cancelled. This wing will not be taking part!  You..."

"...are on Rule 43." (To Fenner) "Lock them up."

As Helen leaves the wing, Jim runs after her.  He says taking G-Wing out of the fashion show will have them kicking up even more.

Helen (angry):  “Do you think I believe all that shit from Sylvia? I had to face a near riot out there because of what she let happen, so don’t blame me for coming down heavy!”

Next, Fenner goes running after Shell who’s mad that the show got cancelled. And really, who can blame her? As fab as she looked in that dress?

Shell tells Fenner he'd better fix it "or else."

Down the block.  Nikki's dragged to seg where Sylvia says to put her in “the strips.”

Nikki:  “You what?”

Sylvia: “That’ll give you something to moan about.”

Nikki:  “You vicious old bitch, I’ll bloody…”

The screws punch her in the stomach before she can finish.

Helen’s office.  The Governing Governor, Simon Stubberfield calls and asks Helen to come to his office.  Then he hangs up and tells Fenner, standing at his desk, that he'll keep his name out of it.

Four Bed Dorm.  Aggie about being banged up, Denny kicks at the cell door.  “Key happy bastards!” (to Rachel)  Give us a burn, you.”

Rachel:  “I haven’t got any.”

Denny:  “Don’t bloody lie to me.”

So Rachel gives Denny a fag.  But Denny wants the whole pack.  Then she smacks Rachel in the head. “And you’d better soon get some blow brung in or you’ve had it.”

Guess Denny also sees "victim" written all over Rachel - in big bright neon letters.

Simon's office.

Helen:  ”…so I didn’t see that I had any alternative.  I hardly think you’d thank me if they started kicking off in front of your VIPs.”

But Simon, a silly, simple man, can’t understand why they’d do such a thing. 

Helen:  “Because they’re angry and I don’t blame them, frankly.”

Simon:  “Helen, there is no way G-wing can be absent from this event.”

He shows her the VIP list:  “the board of visitors, two women MP’s, the campaigners.  How do I explain to them I’ve got a whole wing banged up?”

Simple Simon tells her to fix this.  “There’s more at stake here than your personal pride.”

That’s right, Helen – there’s Simon’s personal pride at stake here.

She leaves his office, realizing Fenner had already talked to him.  She heads straight for….

…the Screws Lounge.  Where Sylvia sits reading a magazine, glad the fashion show was canceled cuz, ya know, less work.  Dominick says there wasn’t anything else Helen could’ve done.

Fenner:  “What the Governor needs, Dominick, is a bit more jail craft.

Sylvia:  “Quite.  And what I need is a cuppa.  Where’s that Lorna with that new tea girl?”

Just then, Jim notices Helen in the doorway and jumps to, while Sylvia hides the magazine.

Helen:  “Right then, who’s least busy?  Sylvia….”

Seems there's a new inmate, one of the regulars, "with a particularly difficult hygiene problem."

Sylvia: "Not Smelly Nelly Snape!"

Helen (delighted): "I thought you would know her. Anyway, once you've got her stripped off, if you could check her top and tail for parasites."

Sylvia: "Pardon?"

Helen: "Well, we certainly don't want an infestation, do we?"

Mere words cannot convey how delicious this scene is.

Once Sylvia leaves, Helen turns to Fenner.  "So, you thought you'd go over my head did you, Jim?  Man to man, the way the prison service loves best?"

Fenner pretends he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, until Helen asks Dominick to leave.

Helen:  “Look, I know you’ve got a problem with me, Jim.  It’s things I can’t do anything about. My age, my background, the fact that I’m a woman.”

Helen:  “Look, I just want to come into work and get on with it, and I don’t expect you to agree with me on everything but if you’ve got a problem with a decision I’ve made, then tell me to my face.  That way I can trust you. Don’t go sneaking behind my back. (pause) Well, say something for god’s sake!”

Jim reminds her that he did tell her what he thought - twice. Before the wing meeting and after. And that Helen still hasn't admitted she made a mistake.

As he walks out, he smugly suggests they discuss it over a drink sometime.

Grrr, only if you're drinking Drano, Jim...

He leaves Helen seething in the lounge. "Bastard," she mutters.

Julies’ cell. Julie J is crying about Carol and her baby. And she misses her own kids.

Julie S tries to cheer her up: "You don’t have to say ‘I’ anymore, do ya?  Because who are we, ey?"
Julie J (sobbing): "We're the 2 Julies."
Julie S: "And who can come between us?"
Julie J: "Nobody and nothing, never."

Aw, they’re kinda like Laverne and Shirley! Ya know, if Laverne and Shirley were hookers.  And in prison. I half expect them to link arms and skip down the wing singing “Schlemiel, Schlemazal.” Instead, they make up a package for Nikki and swing it out the window to Dawn.

Shell’s cell.  Fenner bursts in while she's on the toilet to say that the fashion show is back on. And reminds her of their “date” after supper.

Julies’ cell.  Fenner unlocks their cell for work.

Julie S:  “We’re not going to work anymore, Mr, Fenner.”

Julie J:  “We’re on strike.”

Fenner says that going on strike won’t bring Carol’s baby back.  It’ll just bring more pain to people, especially to him since he’ll have to put them on report: they'll lose their jobs, their money, their privileges, their visits...

Okay, strike's off! The Julies head to the kitchen.

Down the block. Shell and Dawn are bringing plates around and stop at Nikki’s cell.

Shell:  “Not wearin’ your dress then?”

Nikki:  “Just glad you won’t be wearing yours, Dockley.”

Shell:  “Well I will now, see, cuz it’s all back on again.  The fashion show.  Cuz I fixed it, didn’t I?”

Nikki:  “Yeah, in your dreams.”

Shell:  “No, for real.”

She slams the slot shut – no supper for Nikki. As she walks away, Dawn slips the swinger inside and Nikki finds some chocolate, some fags, a juice box….oh hell yeah, Julies - good lookin' out!

Helen's flat.  Where she looks fresh out of the shower. But did she wash that man right out of her hair?

Bah, no such luck!  Sean walks in and Helen kisses and hugs him. And says, "let's get pissed tonite." She grabs a bottle of vodka and 2 glasses.

Sean:  “So your mini crisis went maxi, did it?”

Helen:  “Sodding mafia. I think I played right into their hands.”

Ha, is she talking about the screws or the cons??

The Julies’ cell.  Where sharing a cell with someone called “Smelly Nelly” is exactly what you’d expect.

Back at Helen’s flat.  She relaxes with a glass of wine while Sean rubs her feet.  Well, at least he’s good for something.

Helen:  “Oh well, it’s only a sodding job, who cares? I want a job like yours - autonomous, low stress, high satisfaction.”

Sean says she’d miss the people contact, but Helen doubts that.

Helen:  “You’re so lucky.  You’ve got that fantastic feeling everyday of doing something really well that you totally believe in.”

Sean:  “I don’t have that every day.”

Helen:  “Yeah, you practically do.  Why can’t I have that?”

After a few minutes, he slides on top of her.

Sean: "Do you fancy a shag?"
Helen (teasing): "No."

Yes! I mean, no! I mean, get off her, Sean!! Grrr...

In the Screws Lounge, Shell and Fenner meet for their date. Which looks like this:

(really? Right there in the lounge where anyone can walk in)?

Fenner:  “Told ya I’d fix things for you, didn’t I, darling?”

But Shell wants to know why it hasn’t been announced yet.

Fenner:  “Cuz Stewart’s pissed off, that’s all.  So keep your trap shut until she gives it out.”

Shell: “Well, you just wait and see what I give out when I’m in that dress.”

...and she proceeds to give him a preview.

Back at Helen's, she and Sean are...in bed naked. Oh Helen, I'm very disappointed. Okay, I'll assume you got very drunk and aren't responsible for your actions.

Clearly, Sean ain't all that in the sack because Helen's still thinking about her job. “It’s gonna happen every bloody time.  Anything I do they don’t like."

Again I wonder, is she talking about the inmates or the screws?

Sean, sensitive soul that he is, says they’ll talk about it in the morning.

It’s morning.  And Sean's idea of talking about it means telling Helen she handled the situation wrong.

G-Wing.  Screws Lounge. 

Dominick:  “Hi Rachel.  How’re you doing?”

Rachel:  “Okay, thanks.”

Dominick says Jim did her a favor getting her that job.

Rachel:  “Yeah, he’s been really nice.”

Dominick:  “Yeah, same with me.  Cos it’s pretty scary for us and all, first time you come in to a women’s prison.  Hardly get any training for it.”

What’s that, Dom?  Hardly any training for prison officers??  Why, I never would’ve guessed…

Fenner comes in as Dominick leaves.  He asks Rachel how she is and she starts to cry.

Fenner:  “What is it, Rachel?  Has Denny Blood been threatening you again?”

Rachel:  “Please, Mr Fenner, don’t make me go back to that dorm tonight.  I’m scared!”

Fenner:  “Hey, come on.  I promised to look after you, didn’t I?”

Rachel suddenly tries to kiss him. Fenner backs off quickly, and looks around to see if anyone’s watching.  He tells her to calm down.

Down the Block. Helen goes to see Nikki and immediately yells at the screw, “What the hell is she doing in strips?? (no answer) Well, go and get her clothes here immediately!”

Helen:  “I’m sorry, this should not have happened.”

Nikki:  “Happens all the time, didn’t you know?”

Helen:  “Well, it won’t in future.”

Nikki:  “Why, you gonna let us lot out now and lock up your screws instead?”

Helen sits down on the bed.

And apparently "strips" are just “a blanket wrapped around your naked body.” And oh, Nikki wears it well.

Helen:   “Look, Nikki….I intend to make a lot of changes here but I need cooperation.”

Nikki (mockingly):  “Cooperation…”

Helen:  “You’re right. I can’t run things here without your help.”

Nikki: "Listen, darling. I don't even know how people like you can sleep at night if you believe in a system that locks up pregnant women."
Helen: "Well, you're just gonna have to trust me. I don't."

Julies’ cell.  Nelly’s going about her legal probs but the Julies don’t care – they want her gone.  They’ve got a straight up, one time only, take-it-or-leave-it deal for Nelly.

Shell’s cell.  She practices her dance routine for an adoring audience of one, till Denny pins her to the wall. "Can't wait to see you in that dress again, Shell."

You and me both, Den. This scene is a little hot and a little disturbing, so movin' right along...

On the wing. The Julies’ plan to rid Larkhall of Nelly involves dressing her up nicely for court. In Shell’s dress for the fashion show, which they’re altering for Nelly.

Back down the block.

Helen:  “It’s up to you.  Either we both climb down together and make something positive out of this…”

Nikki:   “Or?”

Helen:  “Or we all lose out to the old boys network.”

Well, at least they'll be color coordinated!

Back on the wing, Fenner tells Rachel to pack her things - she's moving up to G3.  Shell and Denny overhear and look none too pleased.

Just then, Nikki strolls onto the wing with Carol.

Fenner:  “What’s she doing out of seg already?”

Nikki (loudly): "Okay, can you give me a minute, please? I've got an important announcement to make. This unit is back in the fashion show tomorrow.”

A loud cheer goes up across the wing.

Nikki:  “Cuz seeing as how I helped get it canceled, I personally guaranteed to Miss Stewart that if they let us back in, G-Wing would give it our best, yeah?”

“So if that's okay with you babes, go out and strut your stuff!"

The women cheer and clap. Fenner watches Helen leave the wing.  “Canny bitch,” he mutters under his breath.

Denny:  “It’ll be you they’re clapping tomorrow night, Shell.”

Shell:  “Too right.  (to the Julies) “Oi, you two, I hope you kept my dress nice!”

Julie S: “Ey?”

Shell:  “My cossie, you better have looked after it.”

Julie S:  “Oh yeah.  It was looking lovely last time we saw it, weren’t it Ju?”

Julie J: “Yeah, lovely…”

Just then, Smelly Nelly strolls across the wing on her way to court.  In Shell's dress.  The Julies slink away.

Nelly:  “Goodbye, girls.  Wish me luck!”

Shell:  “Oi, that’s my dress!”

She runs after Nelly but it’s too late. 

Shell (screams): “MY DRESS!!”

Next night at the fashion show. Shell rocks out in gold lamé instead:

The show is a big hit and afterwards, Simon sees the visitors out.

Back on the wing, Helen runs after Nikki.

Helen: "Nikki? Listen, I just wanted to thank you again for helping me out."
Nikki: "Don't think I did anything for you, Miss."

And she goes upstairs, leaving Helen with a slightly baffled expression.

Rachel's now settled on Enhanced, safely away from Denny. Until she hears a voice from next door.

Shell: "Oi, Rachel! It's me, your new next door neighbor. I just want you to know, right, this really made my day, your moving up here.”

“And I mean that, right? Cuz deep down I've got a great big soft spot for you, Rachel. And I can't wait to gob it in your face."

Next door in her cell, Rachel hears the threats but has other things on her mind (and neck).

As another day at Larkhall ends, the nightcalls begin:

"I bloody love you, Trace!"
"I bloody love you too, Janey."
"Love you, Nikki!"
"Carol, you're gorgeous!"
"I'm gonna get you, Lil!"
"Good night, Nikki! Dream of me, will ya?"