Visiting Time, S2.3

The curtain opens on Larkhall to find Nikki up on the landing. Sulking. Like seriously sulking. Like my 4 yr old nephew kind of sulking:


Now that's just unattractive. I’ll let you get away with it this time, Nikki, only because you’re still mooning over Helen. As we all are.

But it’s Dominick to the rescue! He’s on mail call, and brings word of the fair Miss Stewart! Which he brings hither. I mean, yon. Oh, wherever.

Nikki opens the letter: “Recognize this? - H” is written on the back of a card. On the front is a pic of George Eliot. Nikki’s frown turns upside down, and yay! She’s all gushy and grinn-y:


Your hair looks good like that, Nikki - please don't cut your bangs!

There's trouble in Fenner Manor: Marilyn’s pissed that Jim fucked Shell. Jim’s pissed that he was suspended. I’m pissed that I recapped this scene.

Back at Larkhall, Simon tells Karen that Helen resigned “because she didn’t have the support of those below her.” He offers her the Wing Guv slot:

Simon: Perhaps now that certain personalities have gone, things should quiet down a little on the wing.
Karen: You mean Jim?
Simon: Well, actually I was referring to Helen Stewart.

Why, you bloated sack of self-important shit. Did I also mention you're an incompetent fuckwit, Simon? Karen agrees:



Julie J learns that her ex father-in-law, Eddie “the Drill” Dawson, has just died.

Julie J: Does it say how he died? Slowly, I hope. And in as much pain as possible.
Denny: Why was he called “Eddie the Drill?”
Yvonne: Because he was a big DIY enthusiast.


Hee. With no Helen/Nikki this epi, all my hopes are riding on Yvonne.

And there’s a new officer on G-Wing – Di Barker. Thank christ they finally got a nice, normal screw in there, and not someone who’s batshit crazy.

Anyhoo, I’ve mentioned the ubiquitous “DRUGS” signs before, and since this is a slow epi, the countdown's on: 4 signs so far.

The Julies scheme to get Julie J to the funeral to see her kids. They try making her cry so she can tearfully appeal to Dom for a special release. But smelling onions doesn't work, so Julie S squirts her in the eyes with lemon juice.

(Julie J: next time, just rub your fingers on the onion, then touch your eyes. That'll make you cry. Also, if you need to fake a seizure, put alka seltzer in your mouth – when it starts to foam up, commence flailing).

Julie J's appeal to Dominick doesn't go well. She hides against the wall, trying to squeeze tears from her eyes. And she doesn't look bereft so much as crazy and undead. Or just terminally ill:


..her request is denied.

SIGH. These recaps aren’t half as much fun without Nikki and Helen. I’m just saying...

Lunchtime. Julie J is upset that she can’t see her kids. “Bloody rubbish place. I just wanna see me kids for a half an hour.”

Shell can relate: “Tell me about it. I wanted to go have me belly button pierced. They wouldn’t have it.”

Prison can be fucking medieval, I tell ya. How DARE they deny Shell the right to pierce??

Julie S: Shut your face, you heartless bitch!
Shell: Well, why should she get special treatment? She’s no different than anyone else.
Julie S: Well, you got plenty of special treatment off of Jim Fenner. Till you went and blew it. Cut off your bleedin’ nose off to spite your face there, didn’t ya?
Shell (wielding deadly plastic knife): I’ll cut your bleedin’ nose off in a minute.
Yvonne (sitting down): Yeah? Just try it.

Glare factor set to 'stun':


Julie S chimes back in, "No one's scared of you no more, Dockley. Not now loverboy's gone. You're just one of us now."

...and that's it for Shell. She storms off in a huff.

Back at Fenner Manor, Jim schemes to get Shell to drop the charges. He enlists his ridiculously naïve wife, Marilyn, to draft a letter. YAWN.

On G-Wing, the Julies are mopping the floor. Julie J is crushed that she can’t see her kids. Bodybag bitches about the floor, but Julie J gives her the hairy eyeball (on loan from Yvonne).

As she walks away, Bodybag does a slip slide on the wet floor.

Julie J (under her breath): Serves you bloody right.
Bodybag: What did you say, madam?
Julie S: She didn’t say nothin’, miss.
Julie J: I said, it serves you bloody right. (screams) You dried up old bag!!

With that, she kicks over the bucket and flings down her mop.

Bodybag hauls her to her cell and locks her inside, where Julie J starts sobbing. You know, without any onions or lemon juice.

...and we’re up to 9 “DRUGS” signs.

Shell is beside herself after getting Marilyn’s letter and she reads it to Denny:



Shell: “Dear Ms. Dockley. I’m writing because I want you to know the true extent of the pain and misery you have caused me.”
Denny: Millions of people could’ve wrote that, Shell.

Ah. Ha. HA!!!

I know I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: I. LOVE. Shell. Crazy, psychopathic, torturous Shell. I can’t help myself. She’s too fucking funny. Plus she’s got a body that just won’t quit. Go, Shell!!

She tells Denny the letter's from Marilyn. who says Jim left her, and that Shell is the only woman he loves.

Shell: Ya hear that? He’s in love with me!
Denny: Yeah, right.

As dense as she is, even Denny can spot a scam in the making.

Yvonne enlists her daughter, Lauren the moll, to help Julie J get a visit with her kids. No easy feat, as her ex has an order of protection against Julie J.

And yes, I’ll be using the word “moll” as often as possible.

As Yvonne explains the plan to Julie S, Nikki appears for all of 20 seconds – long enough to make a wise crack (you can see she’s cracking wise by her sassy pose):


and then...POOF! she's gone. Boo! Hiss!

Shady Fenner Scheme, Part 2: Jim gets Sylvia to bring Shell a letter from him...

...and Shell reads it to Denny: “Dear Shell, I know I’m taking a big risk doing this, but I had to write and say how much I’m missing you. I love you, Shell, and I can’t bear being apart from you.”

Denny translates: “he wants you to get him his job back. It’s obvious.”


Shell? For christ sake, even Denny sees the writing on the cell wall! But Shell is sure that Jim loves her, and goes to Simon to retract her statement.

And it's a smug and smarmy Fenner we next see, slithering his way back into Larkhall.

...now it's 14 “DRUGS” signs. That's it. I get up, pause the tv and go smoke a joint. Yes, I’m that impressionable.

Lauren the moll brings Julie J’s kid to visit, while she sits with Yvonne. The meeting with Julie and her kids is just...well, painful.

Denny waits anxiously for her mum, but when Jessie’s late, Bodybag tells her to wait on the bench.

Denny: Sod off! I am not sitting with those sad gits. She’ll be here in a minute, alright?


Di Barker to the rescue. “Come on, Denny. Walk back to the wing with me. Come on.” She coaxes Denny out of her chair. Have I said how cool it is to have a nice, normal screw around?

Not content with just ruining Denny's visit, Bodybag moves on to Julie J when she realizes who the kids are. Knowing about the court order, she tries to get them to leave.

Yvonne and Lauren let Bodybag have it:

Yvonne: Leave them alone, you fat cow!
Lauren: Leave it, will you? What harm’s it doing?

I love these 2 together! What a great mother/daughter team (except for, ya know, the whole 'being in prison' thing).

So the kids are led out of the room as Julie J is restrained, screaming “I want to say goodbye to them!” Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever hated Bodybag more than I do right now. Except maybe when she made Jessie pick her food up from the floor.

Nikki comes down the steps and walks right into Fenner, who gets ALL up in her face:


Fenner: Hello Nikki.
Nikki: How the hell did you wangle your way back in?
Fenner: Did you miss me?
Nikki: Oh, I get it. There’s been a cover-up. I might have known.
Fenner: Shut it, Wade. You’re not the teacher’s pet anymore, now your little Miss Stewart’s gone. So you better keep that (he actually touches her nose!) nice and clean, hmm?

Eww. Just...ewww. The thought of Fenner touching any part of me is unbearable. And people say Nikki has no self-control?? Bah, I say! That she didn't spit on him is testament to her restraint. Or just testament that she has more restraint than me.

Nikki, Yvonne, Julie S and Zan are sitting around bitching about the screws:


Nikki (looking at Fenner) He's an evil bastard.
Yvonne: Yeah, what with him and what with Hollamby.
Julie S: Oh, she did that out of spite. No other reason.
Zandra: Fat slag.

Hee! I love you, Zan - where ya been??

Yvonne: Didja see the smile on her face? She loved every minute of it.
Julie S: Evil, she is. Bleedin’ evil.
Nikki: Yeah, now that Fenner’s back they’re untouchable, the lot of ‘em.
Yvonne: Well, I don’t know about that. There are ways and means to get back at ‘em.


Oh tell me more, Yvonne. I’m intrigued!

In Shell’s cell, Jim plays her, well, like a cheap violin. A cheap whore of a violin. He claims he loves her, and cons Shell into giving him back the letters. Then he kicks her to the curb and runs her the fuck over.

Isn't this like the 3rd week in a row where he's given her a beatdown? Well, today's is more mental/emotional than physical, but still.


Slimyasspieceofshitmotherfuckingbastard...

As he’s leaving her cell, he runs smack into Karen. Who wants to see him in her office:

Karen: You think you can get away with anything, don’t you? I know you hit Dockley. And somehow, I don’t know how, you got to her.
Jim: My union yadda yadda yadda
Karen: If I were you, I’d consider applying for a transfer.
Jim: Would you now?
Karen: I don’t want you on my wing! I don’t trust you.
Jim: That’s a shame. Cuz I’m staying put.
Karen: In that case, you better hang on tight. You’re in for a rough ride.



Denny goes to Shell’s cell where Shell is...tearing the hair from her head. No, really. She's pulling out clumps of hair:

Shell (in geniune shock): He conned me, Denny. The evil bastard conned me.

Oh, I much prefer you evil and scheming, Shell, than crazy and self-mutilating.

Nikki, Yvonne, Zandra and Crystal (Crystal??) are standing on the G2 landing, watching the Julies polish the top step. Or at least, that’s what it looks like they’re doing.

Yvonne: Put more polish on it. Make it thicker!

Bodybag (walks up the steps, snapping at the Julies): Taking your time, aren’t you?

She reaches the top of the landing, and nearly slips on the polish, but Nikki grabs her. Cries of “careful!” go up all around, but Sylvia insists she’s “perfectly alright.”

Yes, as 'alright' as a three-legged gazelle being chased by cheetahs. The women close in around her, nattering and griping and generally bitching.


And with a final all-out, balls to the wall heave ho, Yvonne and Nikki shove Bodybag backwards down the stairs.

Bodybag go BOOM!


...and splat.

Karen and Dominick come rushing over. Karen looks up:


Oh yeah, it's ON! "Bad Girls Gone Wild!" "The Good, the Bad, and the Fugly!" "When Bad Girls Go...Badder!"

Sigh. I know, I'm sorry. What can I say? I got nothing left here. This is what happens without my weekly dose of Nikki & Helen.

But here's my wish list for next week's epi:

Helen comes back - she and Nikki fuck like bunnies in the potting shed. Or the library. Or ANYWHERE they want. We find out that Helen’s tongue is double-jointed.

A freak laundry room accident shrinks the rest of Shell's clothes.

Josh gets electrocuted while changing a light bulb, but survives. Crystal, standing in a puddle of water and holding the ladder for him, does not. They have her funeral in the chapel where Shell sings "Nearer My God To Thee."

Yvonne has a whole new leather wardrobe smuggled in - including leather knickers and bras.

Sylvia comes back on restricted duty, but suffers neurological damage from her head injury. Which causes her to periodically burst into song, belting out tunes from "The Sound of Music."