...she responds by flirting shamelessly.
Cut to Monica playing with those goddamn pills again. OMFG, how do you spell "OCD??!"
Helen's house. Sean blathers on about friends who want to use their flat.
Helen snaps, "what did you say?"
Sean: "Well, I said fine. That's not a problem, is it?"
Helen sighs, "whatever you say."
Sean: "well, hang on...."
Helen: "I'm late."
And she turns and leaves. Methinks her lips are still a-tingle from last night's rendezvous on the 3s.
Back on G-Wing, Julie S circulates a petition to end the closed visits. And tears Crystal a new asshole in the process:
Julie S: "You better keep out of my way 'cuz I could smack your face for what you said to that newspaper!"
Crystal: "Drugs is evil! I was doing God's work!"
Crystal Gordon - God's Emissary on Earth.
Julie S calls her a "stupid cow" and Crystal leaves in a huff.
You know, I didn’t said much about you last epi, Crystal. I tolerated your letter writing campaign ONLY as a plot device to drive Helen into Nikki's arms. And lips. But you’re just self-righteous and annoying. Also, no one likes a tattletale, Crystal - snitches get stitches.
Julie S has gotten loads of sigs for the petition. She tells the others that Nikki will bring it to Helen.
Julie S: "You think she’s really on our side, don’t you, Nik?"
Nikki: I wouldn't count on it. I don't think Helen Stewart's on anyone's side except her own."
Julie S: "But I thought you really liked her?"
Nikki: "Yeah? Well, think again."
Julie S: "But what about the petition? Me and Ju was counting on you to get her to take it to the top."
Nikki: "Well coming from me, all she'd do is rip it up."
Well, let's be fair, Nikki - she might kiss you first!Helen's Office. She walks in to find a letter that just makes her sigh. A very sexy Scottish sigh.
Mealtime. As Shell and Denny sit down with their plates, the Julies register their objection: "suddenly there’s a rotten smell around her." And they walk away.
Shell: "I’m sick of this! I should be getting cheers off this lot for what I done to that screw, not blamed for everything else!"
Denny: "Maybe you just picked on the wrong screw, Shell."
Too right, Denny. Lorna was an easy target, but she was also one of the nicer screws. And since nice screws are in short supply at Larkhall, they really shoulda kept that one around.
Crystal: "You wanna come and pray with me after breakfast, Shell?"
Shell: "No, I don’t, nutter."
Crystal: "Ey?"
Shell: "I’m giving up all your God bollocks, Crystal, ‘cause it don’t change nothin’."
Crystal: "Gonna change where you go when you die, two-faced bitch."
Shell: "Yeah, like I’m really gonna miss a heaven full of bible-bashers, ain’t I?"
Hee.
While Yvonne signs Julie's petition, Zandra asks for a cigarette. Yvonne tells her to help herself. Then she glances over at Denny.
Yvonne: "How about you, Denny love? You want a few for later?"
Denny: "What, for real?"
Yvonne: "Yeah, they’re there for the takin’."
Julie S: "Does that go for us all then?"
Yvonne: "Help yourselves, girls."
At long last, Nikki is summoned to Helen's office. The letter that made Helen sigh is for Nikki.
Helen: "Take a seat. It's about your exam. Now, I'll arrange for an invigilator to come in."
Nikki: "Thought you'd given up in taking an interest in me, Miss?"Helen: "Oh look..."
Nikki: "Why have you been avoiding me then?"
Helen: "You know what I’ve been avoiding."
Nikki: "Why don't you tell me?"
Helen: "Oh, for goodness sake Nikki! All I’ve been trying to do is to help you do yourself some good because I don't want you to waste your potential. (pause) You had no right taking advantage of me."
Nikki (gets up): "Well, put me down the block then! Go on (walks behind Helen's desk), Rule 47 subsection 16, being disrespectful to the Wing Governor (bends over Helen), by kissing her. Or do you expect me to apologize?"
That's...just...all kindsa special, right there. But Nikki, you already apologized, remember? Right after that totally hot kiss? It's ok, though - you leaning over Helen like that, breathing down her neck, makes it all better (at least for me).
As Nikki walks towards the door, Helen gets up. "Nikki, stop." And purposefully strides across the office.
The first time I saw this, I thought Helen was gonna push Nikki up against that door and just ravage her with a full-on body press. Sadly, she does not.
Instead, Helen warns her that one of them will have to leave Larkhall if Nikki keeps....ya know, kissing her and stuff.
Back on the wing, Yvonne's surrounded by cons all smoking her fags. Bodybag objects to such generosity and tells Yvonne, "it’s against the rules to give away your property."
Yvonne: "Oh, and is it against the rules to show some Christian charity, Miss?"
Sylvia: "I’m warning you. If I catch you again, you’re going straight on report. So think twice."
Yvonne: "I’ll do that, Miss....twice."
In the dorm, Crystal rocks out to.... Kumbayah! And since music is also anathema to old Bodybag, she comes stomping in the dorm to quash it.
Sylvia: "Can’t you save that for chapel?"
Crystal: "Why? Not breaking any rules, am I?"
Just then, Yvonne comes in. Like a felonious Pied Piper, with her gaggle of cons in tow.
Yvonne: "But we all like a nice, happy-clappy tune...(looks at Sylvia’s name tag) Sylvia. Don’t we, girls?"
Sylvia (all huffy): "Miss!"
Yvonne: "See, it’s good for us, Miss. It helps us cope with being on closed visits."
Sylvia: "You better learn something, Atkins - while I’m on duty, I tell you what’s good for you. Now get to your own rooms. Move it!"
The women burst out laughing as Sylvia storms out of the dorm...
...and into the Screws Lounge where she starts ranting: "That Atkins woman! I knew she was trouble as soon as I saw her!"
Dominick: "How’s that?"
Sylvia: "Too much money. Too much having life her own sweet way."
Sylvia: "I tell you, when she was on remand, did you know this? Twenty-two pairs of shoes they found in her cell."
Helen walks in. "...twenty-two pairs of shoes and a shelf load of Chanel, according to her file." She asks Sylvia to book Yvonne's induction for later.
G-Wing. The Julies are practicing a dance routine with their mops (seriously) when Yvonne interrupts.
Yvonne: "Julies. Listen, how’d you fancy being in the Larkhall Tabernacle Gospel Choir?"
Julies: "You what?"
Yvonne: "Well, it’s like I was saying to the other girls. If we can’t have our open visits, then we gotta let our tension somewhere, ain’t we?"
Yvonne: "And if the screws don’t like it, then they’ll have to sign our petition, won’t they?"
Julie S: "Ah, nice."
Julie J: "Oh, yeah. (Yvonne walks away) Clever, ain’t she?"
Julie S: "Yeah."
Outside Nikki's cell, she glumly smokes her cigarette. Monica walks by and asks if she's ok.
Nikki: "You're so lucky, knowing you're gonna get out of this shithole. San Francisco, that's where I'd be headed. Start a whole new life."
Nikki: "What, lesbian cop killer? Yeah, very tabloid-friendly, that..."
Helen's office. Yvonne's induction.
Helen: "Yvonne, every prisoner serving over twelve months is allocated a Personal Officer."
Yvonne: "What, you mean like I get one for meself?"
Helen: "Well, the idea is that you have a particular officer looking out for your interests. And to help you make the best use of your time in custody."
Yvonne: "Oh, really? Oh, well can I have that Mr McAllister then, please?"
Helen (gives a little laugh): "Strangely enough, you don’t get to choose."
Yvonne: "Ey?"
Helen: “Well, on the basis of availability, I’ve allocated you...Senior Officer Hollamby.”
Yvonne (her face falling): "Hollamby?"
Helen (still smirking): "Is that a problem?"
Yvonne: "Well, it’s lucky I get all the help I need from my husband and kids."
Helen: "Well, I’m glad you’ve got a supportive of family, Yvonne."
Yvonne: "Oh, I’ve got the best, love. Don’t worry about me."
Helen says her family's money doesn't matter in Larkhall. She'll start with the same piddling spends as the other
This scene is just brilliant – the way they feel each other out and test each other's boundaries is simply too delicious for words.
In the Screw's Lounge, Shell's pouting cuz she's still on Basic. She wants to know what she has to do to get put back on Enhanced.
But her feminine wiles won't work on Dom and he throws her out of the office.
Back in Helen's office, she directs Yvonne to the “Possession Of Property” section in her induction handout (aka, "Prison for Dummies" guide).
Yvonne: "Does this really mean that every prisoner can have a guitar?"
Helen: "It means exactly what it says."
Just then, her phone rings. It's what's-his-name. And he wants to talk NOW.
Yvonne's induction abruptly ends and she leaves Helen's office.
Helen (on the phone): "Sean, do you mind not doing this to me at work?"
Sean: "Well if you talked to me at home, I wouldn’t have to, would I?"
Canteen. Yvonne wants her commissary.
Sylvia: "Two pounds fifty - what do you want?"
Yvonne: "Emm...I’ll have a bottle of bolly and a ten-inch vibrator please, Miss."
Sylvia is not amused, but the other inmates are.
Yvonne tells the women: "Everybody who’s signed up for the Larkhall Tabernacle Gospel Choir, check the office board for details of our first practice!" To Sylvia, "You’ll have to come along and listen to us, Miss."
Monica steps up to the window and orders 12 pounds worth of phone cards and "strong mints."
Why would Monica possibly need “strong breath mints?” If she’s going to kill herself, does she really need minty fresh breath?
Outside Larkhall. There's a delivery for the prison.
...and in the chapel, Dominick reads the invoice: "one dozen guitars, for the Larkhall Tabernacle Gospel Choir."
The chaplain doesn't know anything about the guitars. Dominick asks who organized the choir.
Chaplain: "One of your new girls. Yvonne Atkins."
Dominick: "Oh, no."
(heh)
Chaplain: "She seems very enthusiastic."
Just then Sylvia storms in. "Where are they?" Then she spots the guitars.
Dominick: "Courtesy of Yvonne Atkins."
Sylvia: "Atkins?! Over my dead body!"
Cut to....
Monica's cell. She puts the phone cards in a towel and carefully folds it up. Then walks to the showers where she switches towels with another inmate.
Hmmm... Monica. What are you up to now?
Back in her cell, she opens the towel.
Ok, Monica was fucking MADE for prison. In just a few short epis, she slapped Denny around, found the best stash spots, and mastered the prison barter system. In a way, it's too bad she's gonna top herself - she'd do well in Larkhall!
On the wing, Yvonne sets up for the first Larkhall Tabernacle Gospel Choir rehearsal. The Julies are disappointed to find out they'll be singing "Kumbayah."
(they're not the only ones).
Shell (to Denny): "Uh, what you doin’?"
Denny: "Puttin’ chairs out for guitar practice. (Shell gets huffy) Oh, it’s only a bit of fun, Shell."
Shell looks at Yvonne: "Do you fancy her or somethin’?"
Denny: "No."
Yvonne (comes over): "Anything the matter, Denny?"
Shell: "She’s too busy for this bollocks."
Yvonne: "Bloody hell, the kid can talk for herself, can’t she?"
Shell: "Tell her, Denny my darlin’."
Denny: "Leave it out, Shell."
Rock, meet hard place. Denny walks away.
Shell: "You wanna be scared of me, Atkins."
Yvonne: "I don’t do scared."
But she does do really scary looks, so they settle on a stare-off.
But Yvonne's the Queen of the Evil Eye and after a minute, Shell folds. The Queen is dead, long live the Queen!
Shell's cell. She asks Fenner why he's been ignoring her.
Fenner: "You’re bloody lucky I’ve been ignoring you. I could beat you black and blue, the way you’ve pissed me about."
Shell: "Why? What have I done to ya?"
Fenner: "Only made me look a total arse hole."
Shell: "It’s like everyone’s ganging up on me. Even Denny’s bein’ horrible to me now."
But Jim's fed up so Shell tries seduction. Which means she clamps his hand to her tit. For a change, Jim's not interested but Shell doesn't take rejection well.
Shell: "What, you really think you could dump me?"
Fenner: "Easy."
Shell (angry): "Well you better think again, Mr Fenner. ‘Cause I fixed Lorna Rose and I can fix you 'n all."
With that, Jim turns up the radio, smiles at Shell, and...
Fenner: "Just think what’d happen if I didn’t protect you. Someone could take a razor to your face, and there wouldn’t be an officer anywhere near."
Monica's cell. Nikki stops in to see her.
Nikki: "All packed up for tomorrow then?"
Monica: "Yes."
Nikki (looking around): "You really are, aren’t you? Even your toothbrush."
Monica: "Nice and normal."
Except her eyes are half shut. Nikki sees Monica's clothes in the plastic bag.
Nikki: "What about your suit? You’re not going to court like that, are you?"
Monica: "No, no, I was going to...ummm."
Nikki: "Monica, you are going through with this appeal, aren’t you?"
Monica mumbles in the affirmative.
Nikki: "You’re lying. Why do I know you’re lying to me, Monica?"
Monica: "I’m not lying."
Nikki: "Then why’s your suit in the bottom of that bag? You’re not planning on wearing it at all, are you? So what are you planning on tomorrow? Tell me. Monica?"
By now, Monica's head's lolling around. "You’re too late, Nikki."
Splat.
Cut to...
Nikki: "Listen, you selfish, bloody bitch, you’re gonna drink this water. Then you’re gonna wake up and start walking."
On the wing, the choir's still at it. Crystal's walking around, showing everyone the chords. She stops when she comes to Zandra.
Crystal: "What chord do you think that is then?"
Zandra: "Chord zed?
Crystal: "There ain’t no chord zed."
Zandra: "Well, sounds like there are loads to me."
Heh. Oh, Zandra, I feel an overwhelming urge to tell you just how much I love you. *sniff*
Monica's cell:
They
Julie J: "Surely she should have been sick after two glasses."
Julie S: "We need to get help, Nikki."
Julie J: "Or we’re gonna lose her."
They pour more coffee down her throat.
Monica: "Why don’t you let me die?"
Nikki: "Because we love you, you stupid cow. Now, for christ's sake, drink!"
They pull her to her feet again.
Nikki: "Now walk!"
Shell's cell. She's at the sink, cleaning the blood off her face when Denny pops in. She wants Shell to come to guitar practice, but Shell's not interested. She tells Den to "piss off back to her new girlfriend."
Monica's cell.
Julie J: "Oh, this isn’t good."
Julie S: "I’m really worried now, Nik."
Nikki: "Ok, ok."
Nikki starts to go for help just as Monica starts heaving, and they drag her to the john. Where she makes a sacrifice to the mighty porcelain, umm...stainless steel god.
The Julies hug it out. Nikki's relieved. And Monica's undoubtedly glad for those "strong mints."
Back on the wing, the women are singing and playing (well, strumming fake chords and warbling offkey).
...while Sylvia looks ready to stroke out.
Screw's Lounge. Jim's sitting with a magazine when he gets a call and has to leave. Dawn, conveniently in the office, takes the magazine cover conveniently left behind by Fenner, which conveniently has his address on it.
On the wing, Bodybag's had enough and breaks up the rehearsal.
Sylvia: "Right, that’s it, stop it. Stop it right now! Put these chairs away and get to your rooms."
Yvonne: "We still got quarter of an hour yet."
Sylvia: "Not tonight you haven’t."
But Crystal tells her they wanna be back on open visits. "So if you want some peace, why don’t you back our petition and shut ‘em all up?"
Sylvia: "Lockup’s in five minutes! Put these away, now! Come on, move yourself. (mutters) “Kum-Ba-Flamin-Yah.”
Yvonne: "Remember, girls - guitars come under the heading, “In Cell Hobbies,” so keep practicing ‘til lights out!"
Monica's cell. Monica's conscious now, but still pretty wrecked. Julie S goes to make her hot coffee.
Monica: "I just want to sleep."
Julie J: "Yeah, but we gotta make sure you’re properly woke up before you can sleep. ‘Cause there’ll still be some stuff left in your system."
Nikki: "Listen, Monica, it’s gonna be lockup soon. You’re not gonna try anything else?"
Monica: "I haven’t got anything left."
Just then, Julie S comes back and says Helen's outside. They quickly force Monica to drink the hot coffee.
...and in comes Helen. "What's going on in here?"
Nikki: "Err...Monica, she’s been a bit unwell."
Julie S: "Yeah, I think it’s just a bit of pre-trial nerves."
Julie J: "Yeah, pre-trial nerves."
Nikki: "I think she’ll be fine now, won’t you, Monica?"
Helen: "Monica, you look terrible."
Julie S: "Oh, she looks a lot better than she did."
Julie J: "Oh, she does."
Julie S: "Now she’s been sick."
Julie J: "Sick."
Helen looks in the toilet. "Sick??!"
And gives Nikki a withering look.
Lock up. Dominick takes Yvonne to her cell where she asks what kind of motorcycles he likes. Apparently, he likes whatever he can afford.
Nikki's cell. Helen walks in.
Helen: "Did Monica take an overdose?"
Nikki: "Huh?"
Helen: "I want a straight answer, Nikki."
Nikki: "Straight?"
(ha)
Helen: "She could have died and you took that risk with her. I don’t understand you, how could you have been so irresponsible?"
Nikki: "Oh, Jesus."
Helen: "Look, what the hell were you thinking of?"
Nikki turns to Helen.
Nikki: "You."
Helen: "What?"
Nikki: "I did it to protect you."
I love this scene...it starts as typical Helen and Nikki, with one of them angry or confrontational. But in just a few seconds and with just a few words, Helen realizes how much Nikki would risk for her.
Yvonne's cell. She's banging on her guitar and yelling "Kumbayah" as loud as she can.
Sylvia marches over to the cell, and opens the tray slot.
"OK, where’s that petition?"
Helen's house. She comes home from work and Sean says they're going out. And he wants her to help pick out his wedding suit tomorrow.
Sean: "So did you beat anyone up today?"
Helen: "Just the one."
Sean: "Who, Fenner?"
Helen: "No. Nikki Wade."
Sean: "What? Your golden girl?"
Helen: "I think she thinks she’s in love with me."
Sean: "What?"
Helen: "Don’t sound so surprised."
Sean: "What happened?"
Helen: "She tried to drag me into her cell and kiss me."
Sean: "What? You mean she actually grabbed hold of you?"
Helen: "Yeah."
Sean: "Well that’s assault. Did anybody else see?"
Helen: "No."
But even as Helen spins this tale, she seems incredibly blasé and matter-of-fact about it.
Sean: "Well what are you gonna do about it?"
Helen: "Avoid being alone with her."
Sean: "Can’t you get her transferred to another prison?"
Helen: "She won’t try it again. (walks towards the door) Come on then, if we’re going."
G-Wing. Ready for court, Monica walks through the wing with her
Nikki waits for her.
Monica (sitting down): "Hello, Nikki."
Nikki: "How you feeling?"
Monica: "I’m sorry to have put you and the Julies to so much trouble."
"I don't know what to say."
Nikki: "Well, how about starting with, 'I feel bloody ashamed of myself?' Look around you, Monica. Look at all these women stuck in here, they’d give anything to be in your shoes today. Look at the Julies. Julie J - she’s lost her three kids to that bastard husband. Zandra - you’ve seen what hell she’s been through: beaten up, dumped by her fiancée. What a great start for a baby. Denny - she’s had her whole life wasted. She’ll be in and out of here forever.
"And me, Monica. Do you know what it feels like having to face another ten years of this? But we all struggle along, trying to make the best of things. And when someone like you says you’d rather be dead than free... I’m sorry - everyone who gets out of here gets out for all of us. Anyway, (hands her a card) the girls wanted to give you this - a good luck card."
Monica takes the card and starts to cry. "Oh, Nikki."
Helen comes over. "Monica, are you ready?" Monica nods and stands up.
Nikki: "Stay safe."
As Monica says goodbye to the other women, Helen turns to Nikki. "Nikki...look, don’t think that I condone what you did last night, but I am grateful."
Nikki: "Oh, don’t bother."
And she walks away.
As Monica walks off the wing for the last time, Denny bids her farewell: "Oi, posh bitch! Good luck, mate." Aww, I think that brought a tear to Monica's other eye!
Yvonne's on the phone. "No, it’s not the guitars this time, darlin’. No, it’s much bigger. And I need it today."
In Shell's cell, she's busy writing a letter. To one "Mrs. Fenner." And copies Fenner's address from the magazine cover that Dawn pinched.
Then she meets Denny on the stairs and asks her to smuggle the letter out for her.
Servery. Shell finds Fenner and wants to apologize for threatening him.
Shell: "I only said it ‘cause of what you threatened me. Don’t think I meant it, do ya?"
Fenner: "You better not have, Shell. ‘Cause there’s only one way we’re gonna get along. That’s my way. You got it?"
Shell: "Can I show you I’m really, really sorry."
Fenner: "I think you know how."
Back on the wing, Nikki's watching the tv when the newscast comes on.
Nikki (shouts): "Julies! Shh, everyone, this is it!"
Everyone rushes to the tv.
Monica's won her appeal and is free. All the women cheer. Then she steps in front of the cameras:
"I’d like to make a brief statement. Before I went to prison, I imagined that criminal women were monsters or lunatics. I was wrong. Most of the women I met, and without whom, I could not have survived, are warm, intelligent, funny."
"Many will have been separated from their children. Some, like me, will lose them forever."
"Many are drug addicts, who need rehabilitation."
"Many women are the victims of abusive men; they need love and support, not strip-searching and bullying. In my opinion, prison, as punishment, only makes bad situations worse. Thank you."
Monica hugs Helen while the inmates cheer and hug each other. Even Nikki’s all choked up.
The celebration of Monica’s release brings the tragic “I Will Survive” dance scene. Which I could’ve survived without. And ok, I’ll say it: it looks like happy hour on the muppet wing:
Helen goes to meet what's-his-name at the tailor's. He asks if she likes the suit he's wearing but Helen wants to go somewhere to talk.
Helen: "Look, can we leave this and go get a drink?"
Sean: "Well, I’ll just buy the suit if you like it."
Helen: "No, I need to talk to you. Can we just go?"
But Sean won't budge and just gets all stroppy and bitchy.
Sean: "Listen, tell me, what is the matter? Come on, I said tell me, Helen."
Helen: "I can’t marry you. I’m really sorry."
Sean: "What are you talking about?"
Helen: "Look, can we get out of here?"
Helen turns but Sean grabs her.
Sean: "What do you mean, you can’t marry me? Why not?"
Helen: "'Cause I don’t love you. I’m sorry."
Helen walks out of the store in tears.
Back in Larkhall, there's a delivery for Dominick - a brand new Harley with a card that reads, "Happy Birthday Biker Boy."
Just then, Sean pulls up in his truck and tells the guard, "you'll never guess what she's got me doing now."
The guard lets him through and says he'll ring Helen.
In Helen's office, she plays with her engagement ring then dials the phone. When Sean's voice comes on the answering machine, she hangs up.
In the garden, and in full view of the G3 windows, Sean hammers a wooden post into the ground.
The guard rings Helen and says Sean's in the garden. She goes running out of the office.
Back on the wing, Dominick approaches Yvonne. "What do you think you’re playing at?"
Yvonne: "Sorry, sir?"
Dominick: "The Harley outside. It’s from you, isn’t it?"
Yvonne: "I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir."
As he starts to walk away, Yvonne says, "anyway, did you like it - 'Birthday Boy'?"
Amidst all the dancing and singing on the wing, Sylvia catches the goings on outside. "Look at this," she tells Fenner, "isn’t that Miss Stewart’s fiancée? What’s he doing?"
The inmates, noticing the commotion, gather at the window...
...as Sean hangs his wedding suit on the post. He drenches it with petrol just as Helen walks up. And with all the cons and screws watching, Sean torches his suit in the middle of the garden.
God, I hate a fucking drama queen. Hey Sean, remember the time Nikki phoned and you answered? Well, look up at the window. That's right - it's for Helen and it's "some woman" so step off, you bloody wanker!
He throws his keys at Helen and storms off. She looks up at the window.
As Helen walks back to her office, Nikki runs to her cell, calling down from her window: "Helen!"
Helen stops and looks up. And stands there for a long moment before walking away.
Finally, night falls on Larkhall. As Helen makes her way to her car, she takes another glance up at Nikki's cell.
And the nightcalls begin:
Zandra: "Oi, Julies! Know any good busting up with your boyfriend songs?"
Julies: "You kidding? You name it, we know it, we've lived it!"
Yvonne: "Yeah, but do you know the chords?"
Nikki sits in her cell smoking, all gorgeous and gloaty. Alone in the dark, she smiles...
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