Dominick goes into the Wing Gov's office where Helen's late returning from her holiday. No one's heard from her and after Sean's hissy fit/suit immolation last episode, everyone assumes she quit.
But who should be sitting at her desk? Why, it's Fenner, that big fucking ape.
And I don't know if it’s the hair or the cheap suit, but he looks extra smarmy today.
Simple Simon Stubberfield comes in to talk about Helen. "Obviously all your staff know she is overdue back from sick leave. Frankly, I think she’s gone AWOL. No message from her, no reply from her home."
Jim feigns concern. "It’s a shame, I feel sorry for her. This job’s tough enough without problems on the home front."
Simon promises to get Jim in front of the promotion board ASAP.
Fenner calls his wife - he wants to celebrate his promotion. But she's occupied with a letter that came in the mail.
In the dorm, Zandra's going into labor. Denny looks on, puffing on a fag and blowing smoke in her face.
Denny: "She can't be having it yet!"
Crystal: "Do yer breathing!"
Screws Lounge. Sylvia sees the alarm for the dorm going off, but she just can't be bothered. "Forget it, then. I’m not going running for some silly kids."
Dominick: "One of them is pregnant. We don’t want another miscarriage do we?"
Sylvia....You. Stupid. Lazy. Cow.
In the dorm they learn that Zan's water just broke. Dominick tells Sylvia to call a cab.
Dom (to Zandra): "Don't worry, we’ll get you to the hospital straight off. (to Denny and Crystal) Can you help her get some things packed, ey?"
Fenner strolls through the wing with Shell, surveying his new empire. Shell wants back on Enhanced.
Fenner: "It’s on my list. Just be patient till I’m in the job for good, ey?"
Shell: "Yeah, alright."
Fenner: "Then who knows? We could be having late night sessions in my office. Maybe even a little bottle of wine, ey?"
Shell: "Oh, please."
Fenner: "If you don’t rock the boat."
Nikki comes down the stairs and bumps right into Shell.
Nikki: "Watch where you’re going, Dockley."
Shell: "Aw, still got the glums cuz your little guvvie’s gone, have ya? Shame she ain’t comin back, innit?"
Damn you, Dockley, damn you to hell!
Outside the gates, Dom helps Zandra to the cab. He wants Sylvia to put a coat on over her uniform so they don't look so obvious.
Sylvia: "Why? It’s her own fault she’s a prisoner."
Zandra: "I want Robin to be here with me, Will you find him?"
Sylvia: "Zandra, the sad fact is that if your boyfriend was remotely interested in this baby he wouldn’t have married somebody else, would he? Now just get in the car. And keep your legs together."
Zandra: "I’m scared."
Dominick: "Don’t worry, you’ll soon be safe in Hospital."
In the hospital, Zan struggles to get in bed.
Doctor (to Sylvia): "Do you think we could take those off her now?" (nods at handcuffs).
Sylvia holds up her arm (she's actually cuffed to Zandra). "Oh I’m sorry, this one’s a security risk. She can’t be trusted."
Is Bodybag gonna stay cuffed to Zandra all through her labor and delivery??
Both the doctor and Dom want the cuffs taken off. Sylvia does so begrudgingly, warning Zandra, "just one move..."
The doctor helps Zandra into bed. Zan tells her she really wants Robin there for the birth, can she try and track him down?
Doctor: "I’ll see what I can do. But Zandra, I’ve got to ask you one thing. I notice you have needle marks on your arm - are you using drugs?"
Sylvia: "She better not be anymore!"
Zandra: "They’re old marks."
Larkhall. Back in the Wing Gov's office, Jim's finishing up for the day. He opens a drawer and finds a lipstick.
And unceremoniously dumps it in the trash.
Grrrr...... I'm gonna get you, Fenner (and your little dog, Sylvia, too).
Simple Simon's Office. He's meeting with the sexy Karen Betts. A job interview, apparently.
Karen: “So. You want to lure me away from men?”
Yep, Karen, that's the plan. Right now, we're luring Helen away from men, but you're next on the list!
Simon: "I want to help you up the ladder, Karen. I won’t deny it though, female inmates aren’t as easy to manage and we’ve had some serious problems on this particular unit. But I know you like a challenge."
He's invited Fenner to meet her, but as it turns out Karen already knows him. Seems they met at a conference a few years ago.
So, they all sit down to smoke and drink scotch. Wow, I like the way they conduct job interviews there! I need to get my ass to the other side of the pond.
Back at hospital, Zandra's in pain and begs the doctor for a painkiller. Poor Zan - always begging someone, anyone, for dope.
The doctor offers her “pethidine,” which sent me, natch, to the google. Turns out it’s Demerol – a particularly pleasant painkiller. Enjoy it while you can, Zan!
Fenner Manor. Jim goes home where his wife, Marilyn, shows him the letter:
"Dear Mrs Fenner, Your husband is still shagging that killer bitch Shell Dockley. Don’t you care? Yours truely, A friend."
Turns out it's the second letter Marilyn's received.
Back at hospital, Zandra's in labor. And sweet screaming jesus, her birth coach is Bodybag! "Come on, push!" she urges Zandra.
Robin, the boy wonder, arrives as the baby literally slides out of Zandra.
Fenner Manor, next morning. Jim's leaving for work but Marilyn's worried about the letter.
Jim: "Just leave it with me, we’re exposed to this sort of thing all the time. Prisoners telling lies about us. Don’t you worry about it."
Marilyn: "Well, I am worried, Jim! I mean, who is this Shell Dockley?"
Jim: (yells): "Oh, for christ's sake, Marilyn, don’t you trust me?!"
Marilyn: "Course I trust you."
Fenner (leans over her): "Well, you better had or you’ll be a total idiot!"
Fenner: "Listen, I’m gonna nail the vicious little bitch behind this. And when I do, I’ll have her ghosted out of Larkhall that quick, alright?"
Way to play it cool, Jim. Nothing suspicious going on here, no sirree.
Hospital. Robin comes with flowers for Zandra, who's cuffed to the gurney.
Robin tells Zan he didn't marry that other chick, he'll tell his parents about the baby, and they're buying him a business. They name the kid "Robbie."
Jim strolls into 'his' office and finds papers all over the place. And Helen's lipstick is back on his desk.
Fenner: "What the hell...."
ba-BAM!
Helen: "Morning, Jim."
The scrumptious Scot has returned to Larkhall, radiant and ready for work!
Fenner: "Obviously, I didn’t expect to find you here."
Helen: "Obviously."
Fenner: "We were beginning to wonder if you’d had enough of us."
Helen: "On the contrary, my flight back was cancelled."
Fenner: "Only we didn’t know what to think, seeing as you didn’t phone in."
Helen: "It wasn’t easy parked on the runway for 5 hours. You must have already been home when I got through to Simon."
She's basically like, 'get out of my office. And tell all the officers we're having a meeting.'
But as he's leaving, she stops him. "Oh, Jim?" She opens the desk drawer and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "I take it these are yours?"
She looks him up and down, and with a yummy teeth-suck/tongue tease, utters those immortal words, "Nice soooot."
Rawwwrrrr..... Hospital. Seems they have to keep Little Robbie.
Zandra: "But I’ve gotta go back to prison today!"
Doctor: "I’m sorry Zandra but he’s withdrawing from the drugs you’ve been using."
Zandra: "What?"
Dontcha just hate when that happens?
Doctor: "He’s acting a bit jittery and unsettled. We need to keep a close eye on him."
Robin: "He’s withdrawing from drugs?"
Zandra: "No, no he can’t be!"
Back on G-Wing, and back in uniform, Jim makes his rounds. Then Julie S calls out, "hey, look - it's Miss Stewart!"
They all look up as Helen struts across the wing (at superhuman speed):
Shell throws her fork. "Bleedin' hell!"
Fenner just glares.
And Nikki gets whiplash.
Yvonne calls out appreciatively, “who needs men, eh Miss?”
Well, not Miss Stewart as it turns out! (and you may not be a lady lover, Yvonne, but deep down inside, you’ve got the heart of a dyke. I’m voting you in as honorary lesbian).
Helen: "Good morning, everyone. I have some good news. I had a message from the hospital that last night, Zandra Plackett had a baby boy."
The women clap and cheer.
Helen starts to leave but Nikki runs after her.
Nikki: "Miss Stewart?"
Helen: "Not now."
Nikki: "I need to talk to you, miss."
Helen: "When I’m ready."
Even that can't dampen Nikki's enthusiasm - she walks back to her table grinning like a fool, and oozing loads of... well, let’s just call it ‘glee.’
Shell goes up to Fenner. "Oi, What’s goin on? You told me she weren’t coming back."
Fenner: "Yeah, well I was...misinformed, weren’t I?"
Shell: "So much for you and your big promises."
They go into the screws lounge.
Fenner: "Some shit has been sending letters to my wife, telling her about us."
Shell (feigns surprise): "Ey?"
Fenner says they're written on prison issue paper, so must be someone from Larkhall.
Shell (nervous): "But who? Who’d do that Jim?"
Fenner: "What you really can’t think? It’s obvious isn’t it? Wade!"
Shell: "The evil lezzie bitch!"
Hee! I don’t know why that makes me laugh so - I only know it does.
Simple Simon's Office. He's meeting with Helen, basically giving her a bunch of shit.
Simon: "I need to be reassured that you can take control again, Helen."
Helen: "I’ve already been down onto the wing, and I’ve arranged a unit meeting for later. As far as my personal life is concerned, I’ve dealt with that matter."
Simon: "Well, I want you to take this as an official warning. I shall note it on your record."
Wait, what's the official warning for? Having a bitch ass boyfriend who burned his suit in the garden?
Now that I think about it, the warning OBVIOUSLY means "stay away from men." Take heed, Helen!
To add insult to injury, Simple Simon says Jim will be at the same grade as Helen, even though he's back in uniform. And he's bringing in Karen Betts as new principal officer.
Helen: "But I thought we just needed a replacement for Lorna Rose."
Simon: "What I need Helen, is to know that you’ve got a strong team behind you."
Especially since you've got such a weak, spineless team above you, Helen.
Hospital. Little Robbie's in an incubator but he's going to be fine.
Robin: "I can’t believe you’ve done this to him, Zan."
Zandra: "I didn’t know, did I?"
Robin: "Look at him!"
Zandra swears off drugs for good. Again. Once more.
Zan, I’m totally
Sylvia tells her it's time to go.
Zandra: "Bye-bye little Robbie. (to Robin) They’ll put us on Mother and Baby unit as soon as he can join me. It’s a drugs free zone in there. I’ll have my own room and he’ll have a cot. And there are plenty of nurses around so he’ll be really well looked after."
Oh, Zandra - you break my fucking heart....
Finally, FINALLY, Helen calls Nikki to her office. Nikki still can't stop grinning. She's completely besotted.
But Helen's all business today.
Helen: "I thought we'd better have a talk."
Nikki: "I can’t believe you’re back here. I was really beginning to think you’d walked. "You must've been though hell."
Helen: "I’m where I want to be now. "
Nikki: "Meaning not back with Sean."
Helen: "Hardly!"
Nikki: "Couldn’t believe him turning up here like that. Had to mean you chucked him though."
Helen: "Nikki, I don’t want to talk about Sean."
Nikki: "Sure. But I’m not wrong about why you couldn’t marry him, am I?"
Helen: "Look, Sean and I were never gonna work out."
Nikki: "Oh."
Helen: "I knew that as soon as he moved in with me."
Nikki: "So, nothing to do with what you felt for me? Why can’t you tell me I mean something to you?"
Helen (looks away): "Of course you mean something."
Nikki (demands): "Say that again!"
Yeah, say that again! But of course Helen won’t, so I rewind that part and make her say it. Again and again.
And damn, Nikki - your voice is SO sexy, all cigarette and whiskey-smoked. How is it that Helen hasn’t thrown you across that desk yet and completely defiled you? And speaking of defile, here's Helen’s bewitching tongue. It’s like she can’t help herself, all that tucking, teasing, and flashing:
But while her tongue says ‘yes,’ her mouth says ‘no’ - they can’t have a relationship, it’s against the rules:
Helen: "It doesn't matter what the hell I feel, Nikki. You're a prisoner in my charge. I can't take advantage of you."
Nikki: "You wouldn't be!"
Helen: "Look, while it's my job to lock you up, there's no way we can be equal, Nikki."
Nikki: "Look, wait, I'm not saying any of it's going to be easy, but it's not impossible is it? Not if we both want to try."
Helen: "But that's what I'm trying to say to you. I don't want to try and pretend that these aren't the facts. Look, how can I do my job when I'm breaking my own rules? I'm sorry Nikki, but there's no way."
It's not long before Nikki gets angry (less a minute, which actually IS long for Nikki):
Nikki: "Right, you obviously care more about your bloody career than you do about me. I must be mad. 'Course I’m not worth risking your precious job for, not when you could nip down the garden centre and pick up another boyfriend, cuz that’s what you’d rather have, isn’t it Helen? Then you won’t be breaking any rules."
Helen: "I nearly didn’t come back to this. Look, my back is up against the wall. This is my last chance to do some good. I want you to help me Nikki."
But Nikki’s all, “pffft, talk to the hand.”
Helen: "Ok. Go."
Zandra returns to G-Wing. Crystal asks about the baby and Zan explains he's still in hospital.
Zandra: "He’s detoxing, so you can blame me, Crystal."
When Little Robbie's released, Zan will go on the Mothers and Babies Unit with him. And tells the girls that she and Robin are back together.
The Julies are happy for her but Zan finally says, "you just gonna stand there like you got a bad smell under your nose, Crystal?"
Crystal gives her a big hug.
Lunchroom. Shell and Denny are eating, but Shell's still thinking about Marilyn and Jim.
Shell: "Soppy wife letting him off so easy. I mean what else do I have to tell the stupid cow, what his dick looks like?"
Denny: "Why, is there something funny about it?"
Shell: "Nah, bleedin bog standard."
Denny suggests taking a pic of it to send as proof to Marilyn. That gives Shell an idea.
Mums 'n Bums Unit. Zandra has Little Robbie back and talks with another woman there. Who just happens to be a dealer. Dealer Chick's getting a visit later, so ya know, if Zan needs a little summ summ'n...
But Zandra says she's clean now.
G-Wing. Shell's on the phone. She wants something sent in.
Visiting Room. Robin's come to see Zandra and the baby. Blah blah - the baby, Robin's parents... Zandra looks over to see Dealer Chick get hit off with drugs from her boyfriend.
Robin: "You still staying off the stuff ok?"
Zandra: "Course I am. I promised you didn’t I?"
Robin's worried about the baby staying in prison and thinks he'd be better off at home with him.
As Zandra goes back to Mums 'n Bums, Sylvia stops her.
Sylvia: "Just a minute, I want to have a look inside that nappy."
Zandra: "What?"
Sylvia: "Put him on here and take it off."
Zandra: "You want to have a good sniff and all, don’t ya?"
Sylvia: "Don’t blame me we can’t trust you, Plackett."
In the yard, it's 'Mission Not-So-Impossible.' Denny sets up a diversion - a couple of inmates stage a fight, the screws run to break it up, and.... yep, Shell's package comes flying over the wall. God, I LOVE how they smuggle shit into Larkhall!
In Shell's cell, she opens the package. Turns out it's a phone.
Back on MBU, Zandra can't get Robbie to stop crying. She's looking mighty fucking stressed.
She finally gives in and goes to Dealer Chick, trading a phone card for some dope.
Later, she's still trying to put the baby down, but here comes Dealer Chick.
DC: "That phone card was half used up."
Zandra: "I must have given you the wrong one."
She says she'll just give her back the dope, she doesn't want it anymore. But there's a strict no-return policy for drugs, and the dealer wants her phone card NOW.
Zandra's all "get the fuck offa me!" and shoves Dealer Chick. Right into a screw who goes down, tea goes flying, and in the uproar, mothers grab their babies.
Zan jumps on DC and just starts wailing, until the screws drag her away.
Also, how fucking depraved do you have to be to sling dope on a babies unit??
Zandra's brought to Helen's office. Robin's already there.
Helen: "What you have to understand Zandra, is that a place on the mother and baby unit is a privilege not a right."
Robin wants to know why she was fighting.
Helen: "The other women said they were fighting about drugs. When a search was conducted in Zandra’s cell, we found a small supply of heroin."
Robin: "What??"
Zandra (starts to cry): "But I’ve said, I didn’t use it. I didn’t want it, Robin. I was piss tested clean wasn’t I?!"
Helen: "You broke the rules! The other mothers in the unit are up in arms about this. We’d have to segregate Zandra anyway for her own protection. Now the problem is the law won’t allow us to lock a baby into a cell."
Robin's upset she's using again.
Zandra: "I didn’t want to, she pushed them on me! (to Helen) Why don’t you tell him miss, that it wasn’t my fault?"
Helen: "Look, there’ll be a case conference now. You might have to hand your baby out, Zandra."
Robin says he'll take the baby home with him.
Zandra (crying): "But I’m his mother! I want to look after him!"
Robin: "You’ve got nothing to give him, Zandra. You can’t even breastfeed him."
Zandra (sobbing): "That’s their fault! If they’d let me stay with him in hospital, my milk wouldn’t have dried up!"
Wah! Once again, Zan, you manage to wring tears from my jaded eyes.
Robin (to Helen): "There’s no point in arguing about this. She’ll never be a fit mother."
Zandra: "You’re not taking him, Robin! You weren’t there with me the whole time I was carrying him, so you can piss off now!"
The screws escort Zandra out of the office. Robin tells Helen he's started legal proceedings - he wants full custody of Little Robbie.
Back on the MBU, Zan packs up the baby. And begins her Journey to the Edge of the
She schemes to get a set of keys, which she promptly drops down the stairwell. So she goes all Xena on the door instead and just busts it open.
With. Her. Bare. Hands.
Outside Larkhall, Karen drives up for a meeting with Simple Simon. And the women head to the yard for free time.
Just then. "Crystal!"
Zandra: "They're trying to steal my baby!"
Fenner heads for the roof, Dom heads for Helen, and Sylvia....just whines.
Rooftop. Jim tries out his crisis management skills on Zan, but fails miserably. Then the fair Miss Stewart arrives.
Helen: "Jim, I think it’s me Zandra’s angry with, isn’t that right Zandra? You think I’m on Robin’s side, don’t you?"
Zandra: "You want him to take Robbie away from me, don’t you?"
Helen: "Ok, I’m gonna put myself on the line too, Zandra."
Literally. By crawling out on the ledge towards Zandra.
Helen: "I'll tell you what I think about your Robin. I think he’s very like my ex-fiancé to be honest. He’s weak, Zandra - he’s weak but he’s totally sure of himself. Now he’ll use every single advantage that he has to try and get custody of your baby. But he’ll only win if you give up the fight."
Zandra: "Why do you think I’m up here?"
Helen: "Because you think you’ve already lost! You haven’t! You’ll be out of her next year Zandra, and I promise you I’ll give you all the help I can to protect your rights as Robbie’s mother. But first you’ve got to respect his rights. Now I’m going to stand up. And I want you to hand him to me. Please!"
After a moment, Zan hands Helen the baby. But doesn't see Dominick coming up behind her.
Once Robbie's safe in Helen's arms, Zan goes for the high dive, "I don't wanna live without him!"
Dominick grabs her just in time.
Zandra sobs, the women cheer, Helen just looks relieved.
Later that night, Nikki – well and truly smitten now – stalks the halls of G-Wing for her beloved. Her glorificient self is draped across the bars as she watches Helen leave the office.
Nikki: "Helen?"
Helen (walks over): "What are you doing here?"
Nikki: "I thought you were absolutely fantastic up on that roof and I'm sorry, Helen, I've got to tell you - you're gorgeous. I'm totally in love with you."
Helen (sighs): "Nikki."
Nikki (smiles): "There's nothing I can do about it."
Helen: "Well, I can."
With that, she walks away, leaving Nikki clinging to the bars like a lovesick teenager. I love this scene – the high! the low! It gets me every time.
Will Helen turn her back on Nikki or will she turn Nikki on her back? Will Helen’s tongue finally find Nikki’s or will it get its own spin-off series? Stay tuned, gentle readers...
1 comment:
Yes, Helen is fair, even glamorous - but Karen's in her first show! Whooo! She's certainly the most gorgeous woman in the show. Claire - if you ever want a toyboy, I'm only too willing!
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